Casey, really sorry it had to happen that way. The feeling of finding H at ows is a hard one to drown out. I was really thirsty so I went a few times on gut instinct and continued the drowning.
You don't sound ready to be done with this yet. You do sound still very angry. Get a hold of that and don't let it work against you. Any feelings of love that you may still have is drowned out in anger.
Can you go dark? I know you have D6 to coparent, but set up schedules in advance and if H doesn't show then make yourself unavailable with D6. Be proactice in how he moves his stuff out of the joint house. Do not set yourself up for more hurt or a reason to feel worse. Prepare yourself.
Have you gone out yet and volunteered or gone to the library? Do something to get your mind off of H, it will eat you up.
What can you smile about today?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Casey, really sorry it had to happen that way. The feeling of finding H at ows is a hard one to drown out. I was really thirsty so I went a few times on gut instinct and continued the drowning.
I did it all off my own bat. I figured it's time to stop being wishy washy. Just to make things clearer, h was at his own place, his g/f's car was at his place. Not happy that it appears that he has g/f staying over while he has d6 there as well. But...not my problem any more. If I want a divorce, I can't tell him how to control his romantic life. Weird thing is, he says he doesn't want a divorce and that he wants to be with me. He texted me last night (which is what prompted me to go to his place) and said: What I want is to be with you. If that means breaking up with [g/f] that is what I will do. I have told you repeatedly that I want to be with you. Time for you to decide once and for all what we are doing. h
Hmm...I would have thought if he wanted to be with me, that he wouldn't even be looking at another woman, let alone sleeping with them. Does there appear to be any logic in there or is he delusional? Please someone explain it to me.
Originally Posted By: WCW
You don't sound ready to be done with this yet. You do sound still very angry. Get a hold of that and don't let it work against you. Any feelings of love that you may still have is drowned out in anger.
Yep...I'm pretty angry, but it's a low simmering thing that is starting to erupt as I feel more aware that *I* matter and how I feel matters. It's like he wants me to validate and forgive him and forget it all but doesn't seem to be able to be empathetic about how I am feeling and what I need from him. I think we are square peg/round hole that have been trying to fit together for so long that the square peg (me) has had it's sides shaved off so that it sort of fits and is only just starting to realise (or at least wonder if) that "Hey...I am a square peg...and, hey!...that's a round hole (h). No wonder things are so hard. We don't fit together!" I do love him. He is beautiful. The loving of him has hurt too much. Time to look after my self and make me beautiful on the inside so that I can be a whole person on my own.
Originally Posted By: WCW
Can you go dark? I know you have D6 to coparent, but set up schedules in advance and if H doesn't show then make yourself unavailable with D6.
Yesterday morning was only partially successful with me trying to nut out a parenting plan with him. He wasn't very cooperative and seemed bent on pointing out what wouldn't work and what parts were crap instead of telling me what he wanted and what options he had. He won't commit to making a mediation appointment of his own so this was my next option (my own parenting plan). Short of sending him a 'this is how it's going to be letter' regarding him spending time with d6 which will just create fireworks, I can't think of a way to do this cooperatively.
Originally Posted By: WCW
Be proactice in how he moves his stuff out of the joint house. Do not set yourself up for more hurt or a reason to feel worse. Prepare yourself. .
This is good advice. The list I gave him yesterday of the things he owns is 'apparently' not complete (yes I know that but I'm not fully aware of what other things he believes are his and he hasn't/won't tell me what they are). I had my list of things I wanted to keep, one of which was the bedroom suite and he said I wasn't getting all of it. Sheesh...there's like a bed, a tallboy and a bedside chest of drawers and that's it.
What are some ways I can be more proactive about him getting his stuff? Gotta go...he's here....
Be proactice in how he moves his stuff out of the joint house. Do not set yourself up for more hurt or a reason to feel worse. Prepare yourself. .
This is good advice. The list I gave him yesterday of the things he owns is 'apparently' not complete (yes I know that but I'm not fully aware of what other things he believes are his and he hasn't/won't tell me what they are). I had my list of things I wanted to keep, one of which was the bedroom suite and he said I wasn't getting all of it. Sheesh...there's like a bed, a tallboy and a bedside chest of drawers and that's it.
What are some ways I can be more proactive about him getting his stuff? [/quote]
Hi again guys....hoping to get some ideas about how I can be more proactive about him getting his stuff without being vindictive (like getting movers to just take all his stuff and dump it on his doorstep)
Hi Casey Have all his things assembled in one place protected of course and photogenic evidence they are not damaged. Send him a copy nicely letting him know the items are to be picked up.
A second option would be to put all this things in a location and keep them there if they are not in the way. Is there a location where you could do that without his items being inside his house.
Usually this is done after legal proceedings or a mutual agreement in the US.
When he is getting his things it is an emotionally charged time. Do not be alone then.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
NoHill has good advice. It's a good idea to be on the right side of the law. Here I had remained in the "marital home" so I was able to stay here and my ex-wife (and later, her mother) took stuff to another residence. Do you know what the usual practice is in Oz?
Even better advice, don't be alone when he comes to get his things, when this begins to "feel real" to him.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
yep...I have written a draft email of how I want him to come get his stuff and make a list of other things he wants to take etc. I have emailed it to my sister to get an objective opinion and will also show my counsellor on Tuesday before I send it to him.
I dont' really have somewhere outside of the house that I can put his stuff. I have got a fair bit of his stuff stacked up in the spare room which he can take at any time (just dont want d6 to see) but there's other stuff around the house that he will want and I want to have time to prepare for that (emotionally mostly)
I have emailed it to my sister to get an objective opinion and will also show my counsellor on Tuesday before I send it to him.
Getting objective opinions is good. Beware the tendency of people to start taking your side, though, if you are still unsure that you want to do this. It's in Divorce Remedy. People want to see the pain stop and they believe that advising someone to divorce and do so as quickly as possible will help to end the pain. As you have probably noticed on the boards, divorce doesn't end pain quickly.
Is your counsellor the legal professional? If so, wouldn't it be up to them to pass it to your H? I know there are different terms here and over there for the same kinds of jobs.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I see her by myself. She has never seen h. She has indirectly seen his behaviour though as our joint counsellor and her work in the same building and she saw fall out from the session that h and I had two weeks after he shoved me and threatened me.
I'm very much aware of this taking sides thing that you are talking about. I would like to talk to a friend of h's but h would (and has before) seen this as betrayal/jealousy/me turning friend against him. I don't know how else I can get objective opinions other than seeing my therapist (who hasn't heard his side of the story).
I feel very much like the WAS now and wish that h would find this forum and get his hands on DR and go "aah...that's what I need to do. Not pursue, not get in her face, respect her space, no R talks, act 'as if', be friendly and positive, be faithful and show changes". I think however, if I went and got the book and gave it to him it would be a) pursuing and b) reversion to behaviours of pursuing that I have tried not to do as it has always resulted in him backing away in the past.
