The New Adventures of Supermom...Part 3

[JennyF]

OK....so here is what happened yesterday.

H came by to discuss the weeks arrangements with the kids and we both knew this was going to lead to "custody" talks.
We have an odd sitch because of the newborn. There is kind of short term plans, long short term...and then long term plans needed. Not that we're trying to come up with it all at once...let's just say we're in negotiations.

So he starts with how he sees the schedule going for this week. It has him taking D overnight at his Mom's for 2 nights.
It my sincere opinion that children should not be bounced back and forth between houses during the week. I believe routine is absolutely necessary and that consistency is extremely important especially given that D is only 3 (well...in a month she is).
That is first and foremost my greatest concern. Secondary to that is that I don't deserve given the circumstances to have my children away from me that much of the time. I didn't have a choice in this at all.
He does not agree. Not one bit. He believes the routine is what exists between us and it doesn't matter where they are or who they're with.

So long story short we could not come to an agreement. So he starts throwing the legal crap at me. "My lawyer this and my lawyer that". He was going on and on about all that he is doing. Funny thing is...when I asked exactly what is he was doing all he could come up with was that he shovels my snow. That's it. B@$!ARD can't even take my garbage out anymore.
Then he tried to tell me that he's going over and above what he has to do financially (according to the lawyer). I'm on Mat leave making 1/3 of my salary and he thinks he deserves a medal for this?
His perception of himself is so distorted. He doesn't even see how badly he's treated over the last year. Really, he looked surprised when I mentioned it!!

Now I was good. Better I thought I would be. I stood my ground. I listened to him...really well. I validated. Possibly for the first time I really did validate.
I think what I did by standing my ground was doing a 180 for me. I usually given in or find a middle ground, but not this time. And he is mad. And I don't care. YEAH! I don't care!!!

There was a lot that was said and I won't go on and on.
But I have to say that I truly believe that I am a point where I let go. I mean really let go. It is so over in his eyes there is absolutely nothing I can do or say right now. If there is a chance for us...it is a long long way away. Truth is, I don't want anything to do with the guy he is right now and I'm just ashamed he's the father of my kids. I don't want this to get dirty and THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD TO ME IS MY KIDS! So I am not budging on what I believe is right for them. NO WAY. He has not shown himself to be capable of making appropriate decisions up until this point, what makes me think he is going to be thinking straight about this one?

I've read all I can on MLC and the 6 stages. H has been SO scripted up to this point it is truly scary. He is in replay and is so deep in the tunnel it's going take an earth quake to awaken him. I still feel deep in my heart that the real H is in there somewhere and that he will surface in time. I've always believed that my heart is God's way of talking to me...so that is what gives me hope.
Truly letting go right now is liberating and sad at the same time. And I know I will have my ups and downs (it is a rollercoaster). But I suppose my question is....is it possible that some people truly do permanently change this way forever? Could he stay in the tunnel forever?? I ask this not only for the sake of marriage...but mostly for the sake of my kids. I don't want to believe that this is there father for the rest of their life. He is a good man and a good father and I want them to know that. Not some day have to learn what he's done and that he never looked within himself to correct it. That will be so sad.
I'm not saying I will wait forever...I won't. I'm not a 'stander' that way. But I've got a year left in me at least...depending on how much worse he gets.


ANYWAY...I digress!
So when H left he was pretty ticked off. He's taking her tonight overnight, but not the other night he wanted.
He barked a schedule at me for the rest of the week and I said ok. He said he was taking D out for dinner on Thurs. Then I asked when he would come to see S? He said "I don't know, I'll figure it out". So I said, "Fine, you can bring D here for dinner on Wed. I'll leave for a couple hours and you have them both here at the house." He said ok.
I'm dying to see how he manages with both of them.
I'm sad to leave my S...but I have to take these baby steps. He'll be fine, I'll feed him right before I leave.

So I feel ok about it. Not from a DB'ing perspective, I know this has angered him and pushed him away further. But let's face it...in his eyes right, it is so over he couldn't get any further away.
I think I'm at the Last Last Resort Technique!
Thanks to all who stayed to read this long babble!
J~