Trixi movin' on up...

[Trixi]

Hey all.
H moved my (his) bed, couches and other stuff into my new house last night. I feel like a hopeless case, to a degree, and "guilty" towards all the people who have been kind enough to help me thru this transition. Like I somehow 'owe' it to everyone to kick him to the curb. I don't think I need to explain *why* I feel guilty, right?

(When my mom figured out what happened, she said she was going to "go cry" after we hung up. And she meant that literally.)

I asked him what his deal was last night and he said that sometimes he thinks he knows what he wants and other times he is confused. He feels like we have been leading up to "this" for awhile and should go ahead and have the experience; that there are some lessons that we need to learn. I asked what exactly those lessons were and he laughed and said "if I knew *that* we wouldn't be going thru this." He said "am I supposed to feel bad because I love you, and I care about you, you're my best friend, I'm attracted to you?" and I said "of course not! BUT, given the situation, it is very confusing for me. We have the foundation!" He also feels like we have progressed so far down this path (me in a house) that we must continue to walk it. I can see his point, to a degree. He said that he just wants to take things slow/one day at a time; he doesn't know how he feels. I did NOT ask if he still plans to fast track things to get a divorce.

I still have a few things left at the other house; I don't really feel like going back there for awhile, though. The things that are there aren't critical for the immediate future. I have been living "between" houses for awhile now and am looking forward to not having to dig through boxes to find stuff.

One part of me is disappointed that the first night I spent in my house, I spent with him. The other part is glad that he was with me so that tonight won't be as weird and "new".

I am sure as I settle in, I will start to get my strength; find who I am. Maybe it's time for me to have my own mid-life crisis, cuz he sure talks like someone who is having one of their own.

Dom, I like what you said and if I felt that way (completely) I would say it. But I know of people that did re-marry after divorcing and I also know myself well enough to know that if I said those things *at this moment* it would be a lie. I also know that I might decide down the road that he isn't ever going to be "safe" and once divorced, always divorced. Who knows what some time out on my own will do?