respond or stay still?

[heartbreak2]

I was outside working in my yard today and looked around and said... "darn for the last 18 months I have let so many things go it is going to take forever to get this place the way I want it"

then a while later while taking laundry off the line which is ironic for that is where I use to have these flashes of ..."this could all be gone in a moment".. like H was going to die this occurred for about 3-4 months before he left. I do think someone was trying to tell me something.

any way... I stood there taking down the clothes and thought ... now wait a minute what would I have done in the last 18 months that I did not do?? Was I really that happy? did I know who I was inside... ?

I have not let things go totally I decided that I had accomplished a lot not only in the house and yard but with in myself. I know who I am again. I have found me.. I am no longer just the wife and just the mom.. I am me.
I have an identity again.

So if we get D and things stay the way we discussed for the settlement I will be ok financially until I can get on my feet 100% and figure out where I want to go. For I do not think I want to stay here and be the ex wife. I want to be me.

but then I could stay here and be me and be successful and that would show him and me that I am a person who did not dessert him and stood a long time and never gave up.

I did not run away from my problems or blame someone else. I dealt with me and myself and found who I am.

you begin to think you are worthless when no one acknowledges you are there.

I know I can go to sleep at night and not feel guilt and to me that is important. For how can he live with himself is what I think of sometimes.