Okay, I'll try to point out some things in the moments I have here. Yes, you can be complimentary and distant. For example, with someone you admire at work you can do this. I think being complimentary without expectations and allowing distance, can definitely earn you points. One important thing I tried to remember every day during my divorce was before I opened my mouth to speak, I needed to think about the words that were going to come out. Will these words make him want to be closer to me, or more distant?
Don't think about working on your marriage, think about the first little steps of developing a friendship with this person. That's the goal at this time. To get her to a point where she doesn't hate you. You have to be subtle and have no expectations of her. You also have to accept that this divorce can go through.... and accept that it will go through.... and the best you can do is make sure you become the kind of guy she will regret losing. Because there is always the slimmest chance she may possibly realize this before it's too late.
Now, what do you think OM "fed" her that she needed? Support, listening, compliments???? What do you think she was/is seeking in that relationship?
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
