I Was Almost A WAW....Still (Next Thread)

[Dom R]

Years ago, I was about to go into a small cosmetic business and borrowed money to get it going. As soon as I deposited it into our checking account, the IRS grabbed it up b/c thay had placed a lean on our account and we didn't even know about it. That hurt me so badly. I had to pay back the money I had borrowed, plus the interest and the IRS plus late fees. So, I think I figured it to come out to almost 50% over what we borrowed that we had to pay back. And I resented him for distroying any chance of me having a start at that business.

...
I thought for a wile they were getting better, but now I think he was just borrowing money from the bank. So now we have everything we own hocked...

WOW.

that is really incredibly, unbelievably irresposible of your husband. both to let things get that bad... and also to not tell you things you needed to know then.

We were taught in our church that the H is to be the head of the home. Therefore it makes if very difficult for me to just over-ride him on major things like this. If he nearly had a stroke the day I took it upon myself to clean off his desk and throw out a lot of old papers (that was simply trash) then can you imagine what would happen if I stepped in and took over with all of this?

he is not fulfilling his role as your husband and head of the family.

I'd say this gives you some amount of extra leeway, even from a biblical perspective.

When all these books tells wives to accept their H's the way they are......do you think this is part of it? I have tried very, very hard to do that, but it is killing me.

There is a big difference between "accepting your husband the way he is", and "allowing your husband to destroy a positive life for you".

(there's also a big difference between "trying to change the way a person is", and "asking someone to change the way they treat you. but thats a separate discussion )

I think it is going to take a bomb to move him.

I agree.
So.. allow me to provide you with a ready-made one

It's a very very big one. Nuclear-sized, in fact.
But it will be very very effective. It will "solve" all of your money problems, either by him cleaning up his act when you bring it up... or at the practical level, if you follow through and "detonate" it.

-----

It sounds like your husband is chronically financially irresponsible.
It also sounds like your husband refuses to grow up, or even really acknowlege that there is a problem to you, in that area.
This is harmful, both to you, and to HIM.
So, in some ways, what I am going to suggest, is the most loving thing you can do.
It's just a very, very tough kind of "tough love".



The bomb:

confront him. tell him about the ways he has financially ruined you both. tell him that this is no longer acceptible to you.
Tell him that it hurts both of you.
Tell him that you would like it if he stopped hurting himself, but that you recognize that is his choice. However, you will no longer allow him to financially hurt you. (This is a cleanly stated "personal boundary", for boundary fans)

Tell him that you want him to fully disclose all financial things to you, and also tell you within [some number of days], a plan to dig yourselves out of the hole you are in.

See if he agrees to do that, without threats.
if he does not agree to it, then it will be time to tell him how you plan to protect yourself. Tell him that if he does not take steps to financially protect and take care of you, that you will then be forced to do so yourself. The way you will do that, willb e by filing legal separation.

This shows that you clearly do not want a divorce.. but you DO want financial stability for yourself.


If he decides to come clean with you, AND clean up his act... then great, you dont have to do that.

If he doesnt, then you can file the LS, and get that part time job, etc, etc. and start building a solid credit history for yourself.

The "interesting" thing, is that the LS could actually be a joint plan to get you out of the hole. You should consult a lawyer about this, but it might be feasible for him to assume the debt on the houses, as part of the "division of assets" (since debt is an "asset", in some sick legal definition)... and then once the LS is done, he could declare bankrupcy.


This almost sounds "too easy"; there's probably some legal/IRS issue with doing this. but it may be worth checking into.

[imLIN]

I am in that process now...LS...H filing for bankruptcy...and yes...the debt that is erased then becomes income in the eyes of the IRS and you owe taxes on that...my tax attorney suggested that who ever handles the B negotiate with the IRS to lower it to 10% of what is owed...as a settlement offer...for us that would still be about $4,000!!! But that is better then $40,000!

I just hope it goes as planned...

[Baltoman]

When "children" are all grown up though... sometimes, that's the worst possible thing to do. especially boys.

Yes, you want to avoid him suffering.
Sometimes, though, that's the only way people can "grow".
If you shield him from it, he will never be able to grow and become stronger.

That is where I'm at with S #3 who is 18. He needs to be cut loose a bit but it is an area of contention with W. We agree on what we want him to do. It is when I ask what about the "or else" that we have issues. I needed to be homeless and sleep in my car for 3 or 4 weeks at his age to be willing to change my ways. He seems to be a chip off the old block in this regard but I am having a difficult time convincing W that tough love is the only choice.