Just bought a 1 way non-refundable ticket to Dtown

[LL44]

and told her I wouldnt listen to any words she told me regarding us and that I would only go off of her actions.

This was perfect.

Told her not to call me unless she was ready to SHOW through her ACTIONS that she was for real. She called back later in tears and said she would "do right by me." She was going to kick OM out.

Now let's wait and see. She is called to the floor, will she follow through? I hope so....

Keep us posted. You did a great job!

[SirPrizeMe]

Good job! I'm praying for you H4C.

[Hurtin4certain]

No word from W today. I wonder if my boundary setting pushed her into the arms of OM?

[NewHorizons]

H4C,

So, umm...aren't you supposed to be focusing on YOU? How are you today? Have anything planned?

NH

[Livin4ME]

Hi H4C, I just wanted to say, I am in the same exact boat as you!!! H started pulling the same thing around Christmas time. I told him the same thing, talk is cheap, I prefer actions. You're getting awesome advice here. I would like to tell you alittle bit about my sitch, if that's cool. I am on my way out the door, but I'll be back later on.

[Hurtin4certain]

Julz...I would like to chat.

Tonight I exchanged D with my SIL. W called and told me she was having the "talk" with OM. Apparently he will not be sleeping in her bed anymore. In addition, he is making arrangements to move back to Vegas.

Im really skeptical at this point and Im trying not to beleive anything unless I see it.

[Yoyowife]

H4C,
I've got my fingers crossed for you...

[LooseThread]

Gosh....I'm waiting with bated breath.

I hope she comes to the table for you. I really do.

I sense my h may well do the same thing as your wife once he realises that I will not take his 'keeping both options open' any longer. I have not been happy with his actions for quite some time now and he doesn't appear to have the strength to be on his own and work on himself. I'm not interested in being the bit on the side. I am the wife dammit. I will not be played any more. In fact, I don't know if I could give him another chance but your line about actions rings so true for me.

Words mean nothing...my h has lied about so much and then turned around and accused me of not giving him a chance.

Actions and PMA and acting 'as if' and being faithful and not being abusive (threatening and pushing as he has done on one single occasion which I have flashbacks about) and respecting my needs and space are just some of the things I need evidence of from him.

Ihave fingers crossed for you....your sitch resonates with me. I need to go back and read previous threads to see if that feeling continues.

cheers from Oz.

[Livin4ME]

Hi h4c, sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. So yeah, my H started the same thing right around Christmas. Before that I had detached alot. I left to spend the holidays with my family out of state. When he called to talk to the S, I would answer the phone and wouldn't say anything, just hand it to S and when they were done, I would hang up. When we did talk, it was always short and I was the first one to get off the phone. At one point, I told him not to bother with filing, I would do it when I got back into town. He had kept coming up with excuses not to file, money, keeping me on his insurance and such.
On Christmas, he started texting me about his depression. He had finally started coming to terms with it. I told him as his friend, I was really concerned for him, and I felt he really needed to talk to someone about it. After that we started talking more. I told him I would be his friend regardless, but he needed to define it as either friends working on our marriage or friends going through a divorce. He was saying the same things with 'I miss you.' 'Could you ever see us back together.' We would text and chat online and sometimes on the phone. He told me he was trying to make things right, but asked me not to ask questions, just know he was trying. I told him talk was cheap, if he was serious, I needed action. He finally told me him and the OW had talked about ending it. But he wanted her to do it, he was trying to make it where she didn't want to be with him anymore. I finally called his bluff and told him that the bs and games needed to stop. I didn't want to know about their relationship, it was none of my business. If he wanted advice, a shoulder to lean on, whatever, it was fine, but he needed to define it. If he wanted to be with me, do it. Either way, he was hurting both of us (me and the OW) by what he was doing. He told me that's the way he got the ball started, so I told him, my advice as his friend was to start a new ball.
That night was New Years Eve, he kept texting me. Sent me a pic of him kissing the phone at midnight and said Happy New Years and he called me. After a couple hours and I was in bed, he started texting me again. He wanted to talk about us. He said he had ended it with her and he was ready for us. So I again told him, show me.
Since then, we talk often, he's bought a oneway ticket to come visit us with the hope of me going back with him. I haven't given him an answer yet, I told him it depended on what he showed me. But honestly, it does go along with my initial plans of when I would be going back. He has been in contact with my therapists office to start seeing someone regarding his depression, he's waiting on the therapist to call him back to set up an appt. He's stopped doing his online thing (yes, I know this for a fact). He's spending more time with his family. His mom even said he's opening up more to her. Eating better and going to bed earlier. He says the sleeping thing is something he's trying to do because he won't be so tired during the day and it's healthier.
So, what I did to round things up, I detached ALOT! I wasn't rude to him, but I didn't initiate anything either. When he called me looking for a friend, he found it. But I made sure to put it out there about defining the friendship. I still am usually the first one off the phone. I give a little, then wait. I've set the boundaries and told him what I need, and told him I need action. Plain and simple. Each time he shows me something, I give alittle more. But he has to show me first. I wait for him to initiate talks about us. I did bring it up once and it went well, but not great, so I've learned to let him do it. I had some questions and he answered them, and that was it, we no longer talk about it. And I'm fine with that. He does most of the calling and texting, I will sometimes, but he does most of it. I've learned it's best to wait. When I put something out there, I wait for a response. If I don't get anything, I let it go. It's very hard to do that, but honestly, my faith has helped me with that. That's one of the things I've done since I've detached, is refound my faith and it has helped me tremendously!
I'm still having a hard time with not talking about the future. I've talked a little bit about when he gets down here for the visit. But just small tidbits, like S wants him to take him to such and such. My parents want to take us out to eat. But I keep thinking about other things I want to tell him and ask him, but I keep reminding myself, one day at a time. There's plenty of time for that later. I need to worry about the now, not the later. When I worry about the later is when I start slipping.
Keep up what you are doing. Let her initiate. If she is serious, she will contact you. But remember not to fall all over her when she does. Still keep her at a distance until she shows you. I would even go so far as to, if she misses a meeting, not bring it up right now. I, personally, think it's too early. And it will let her know you were upset that she didn't make it. Stay detached until she shows you. Then a little at a time. That's just my personal experience. And remember that we have to wait. With my sitch, I had a hard time with that. But now looking back, they're just as unsure as to what is going on. Just like we need the time to sort out our emotions and thoughts, they need the same. Just because you don't know she may be taking steps to end it, doesn't mean she isn't doing them. Does that make sense?
And remember, keep doing things for yourself!!! It makes it so much easier!!! I've had a hard time with that sometimes. I'll find myself getting caught back up in what's going on and I have to remind myself, it's ok, now go get your nails done! lol
I know this is long and I'm sorry for that! I would love to know if you have any thoughts on my sitch as well!!!

[SueS]

H4C-

Wow, I'd be a little nervous about all that's going on....just because you've been through so much.

However, sounds like your W is doing what she needs to do on her end to get things moving in the right direciton. I know time will tell, but maybe her not calling all the time is because she doesn't want to put much out there before it's actually done. Just a thought.

I truly hope all goes well for you.

SueS