So I have been posting in the seperated forum because that is what happened. Quick summary - H does the i dont love you speech in mid Oct then needs space. Leaves 2 days later. No fighting before this or major issues, h never once said he wanted to leave or that there was a problem. He leaves when our d is 8 and a half months old. I go through the crying, begging and of course confronting.... I find out about lies and when i confronted him he left. Said he needed head space to think, he was confused did not know what to do. Silly me, so involved with baby and trusting that h would never betray me did not take too much notice of ow that h was carrying on about. He did not shut up about her. He even defended her if i said something bad. He told me she bought great shoes from a shop and i should go get a pair. She loved his new shirt (which i bought), her car broke down and he was so concerned...how will she get to work? I noticed the cell phone messages always being deleted and him being unusally possessive over his phone. When I checked his cell phone bill - 30 to 40 texts a day...and she is his assisstant at work! Working early and late hours.I said nothing to him about this until 2 months later in MC and after that he said he wanted to D. While i was begging for help he was chatting away. ME=STUPID and BLIND. I confronted him about affair and he said she is just his best friend...he finally found someone who is just like him. He is a musician, she is a musician. She just listens.
Hint of MLc- this is not the way life was suppossed to be - trapped. now new woman, new band (of course she understands being a muso herself). When asked was our marriage bad he replies no it was ok, good at times but i dont want to do this anymore!
OK so now he moves out. He stays at friend down the road for rest of OCt. Then things get fishy...I dont know where he is now staying but he lied for a while before he said oh at another male friend. His car broke down and he said that guy from work let him use his car - i saw ow give him car keys. Told me guy was giving him a lift - I drove past and saw ow waiting outside his moms house. When i called him he said oh with guy from work... Silly me gave ultimatum - come home or it is over and he said fine we are over but if you want me to tihnk about it i will. I cave in and say ok think about it.
Now I love my h and i want him to come home but this ow has got him hooked! He does not text me or phone me. He has told me he wants a D but when i asked him if he would think about it he said ok - so he is still thinking cos he has had no time. No contact christmas or new year. He has now been transferred to a new office and as far as i know ow has not. he only knew her for a few months and it happened so fast.
Now i would love to confront her but that may do more harm then good as h told me to stay away from his friends. He used to be very angry, now he is calm. but my question is how do i get my h's attention? how can dbing work if he never sees me or talks to me, it has been nearly 3 months. Only see each other when he visits d for an hour once or twice a week. We were going to counselling but stopped over december, starting next week but nothing is achieved cos he wants out and i want in....help!one other question i feel like dbing is almost trapping me in a denial phase as i did not see this coming and i still feel like there is a bit of hope??? is this wishful thinking?? i have read DBing but not the divorce remedy - would it help even though h went running a while ago and seems to be headstrong about a decision he made before he walked out the door???
M-31 H- 34 d- 11 months T- 16 years M- 5 and half years S - oct 07 said wanted a D - dec 07
please help!!!! friend just phoned me to tell me she saw h outside work holding hands and having a smoke break with ow. i want to phone him and tell him i have proof, i want to phone her and tell her to back off, he is my H and she is ruining my family!
Hi sideswiped. I am so sorry you are here. I have been there, my friend, the phone glued to H's hip, the denials, the "she understands...she cares" crap about OW. H finally confessed to me about his A, but it wasn't until later on in the summer I realized just how *attached* they were. Its all devastating.
I am going to throw out some advice. Things that might help you...
1) For now, don't contact OW. Don't go near her. She probably won't care (knows he is married, does this stop her? NO). You won't get any satisfaction from it. You want to appear strong and confident around her and H. Even if you aren't!! You can always confront her at another time. Tuck it in your pocket for now.
2) No need to confront H. You have proof, he knows you know. He is lying to you and will probably lie even more if you confront him. He isn't contacting you, which might only change if you change yourself. He is expecting begging and crying when he contacts you, so he avoids it. Appear strong, put together, and confident when you sees you.
3) Next time you have a moment with H, tell him that you love him, still care about him, and want him happy. But you cannot sit back and watch him have an affair. Tell him that for now, he is free to do what he wants, that you don't condone it, but you realize you cannot control it. Tell him that he is welcome to visit his daughter anytime. That's sad he doesn't see her more than a couple hours a week. Then, after that talk, no more relationship talk. If he spews things at you (justifying his A), then just nod and agree, telling him you are sorry he feels that way. Defending yourself (which all of us want to do!) won't do any good at this point.
4) No more asking about OW or his crazy life that he is leading. You have to remove yourself from his mess. You can't help him fix it.
5) Have you read DB/DR? They are great resources. Other good books are Not Just Friends and Love Must Be Tough. Post here, keep us updated, support others (then others will come find your thread and try to help), but don't relationship talk with H. Pick one or two close friends in real life and talk with them. Hold off on telling the world. Some on here suggest you shout it to the world. Everyone's situation is different so you will have to decide what you think will work for you.
Thanks lwb. This is such a nightmare. Just a few months ago we were a "happy" couple with our new baby and now I am a single mom with a WAS who is with OW. Weird how this happened cos I was always sure that D would never happen to us and then life happens!!! If H said there was a problem or atleast wanted to work on things in the beginning that would have been easier but he just blew me away. He gave me no chance. Amazing for someone who cried when he said his wedding speech, who wrote me beautiful poetry and was always concerned that I would someday leave him....
Thanks for great advice. I want to confront her but I wont. It feels like the natural thing to do, the final resort. What hurts is that given the opportunity my H is choosing the other woman. That hurts and is a huge blow to my ego.he is rejecting me. He wont even touch my hand and if i lean towards him he jumps back and says'dont touchme!' WHY?. This alienation is what hurts. Of course they walk away and you are still in love because you did not see it coming!
I am starting work in a week as I have been at home with our baby for a year and I am looking for an apartment. So there is the beginning of getting a life. I have read DB and trying to get a copy of DR. problem is when you are already seperated it is hard to implement things.
Today he thanked me for respecting his privacy by not texting him or phoning him.
What hurts is that given the opportunity my H is choosing the other woman. That hurts and is a huge blow to my ego.he is rejecting me
Oh I know. I truly know. Its very devastating.
And yes, I wish H would have grabbed me by the shoulders and yelled in my face "We need help! We are in trouble!", but no, he kept quiet about his unhappiness and then did this. And yes, I thought we were 'exempt' from affairs, H actually frowned upon it in the past. Amazing what changes.
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Of course they walk away and you are still in love because you did not see it coming!
Yep, that's why its called a bomb. I swear I didn't see it coming at all. H even said 2 weeks ago how awful he felt, he had time to get used to us being apart (if he ever leaves!), but I have had NO time to get used to it, still in shock.
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Today he thanked me for respecting his privacy by not texting him or phoning him.
This is good. By the way, I shocked my H when I said "I just want you to know, I will love you always, in one way or another. I want you happy. I wish it were with me, but I will accept it if you choose another path. Because you being happy means that you will be an even better parent." He didn't believe that I wanted him happy, up until I mentioned the kids.
so true ... my H used to judge our friends saying this one is going to cheat and that one is not devoted to his wife and wow look who became the cheater!
I have told him that I love him but never said the leaving part. guess i am worried he will believe it and take it as permission. He has always treated me as the parent and seems to be wanting permission in some twisted way. He says he wants the D and his mind is made up and in the mext breath says but you asked me to think about it and I will. Someone said I should shock him and say fine if you want the D then go for it and see if that shocks him. problem is is that it may push him!
sideswiped~ hello, I just wanted to offer some support. I am pretty new here myself but I am 1 year into my seperation. I just wanted to suggest that you take the advice of these people here with wisdom... I thought my situation is different there were so many positive signs that I never really committed with both feet to letting go and letting H find himself. I wish I had given him the opportunity early on and I would know now where I stand. I am now apply the LRT, because well frankly it IS THE LR... I wish I wasn't at the stage were there ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS and so far into this pit. I just say while it is still early on read and DB your but off and hopefully it won't be so drawn out... and congrats on your new job.... are you leaving the family home? is he gonna stay there???
me:29, H 33 Bomb- 11/06/2006 I came home from work to find that he had moved out into an apartment. next day he says he wants to work on our marriage but will not return until he feels right. kids-4 m-10 years T- 13 years another Bomb-Sept '07 OW confirmed...
Thanks kaycie. We were in the process of buying a house so we were staying with my parents. He is living with a male friend (aka OW) and I will be moving into an apartment and obviously no new house will be bought!!!
I feel like everyone else on this site has been given a spouse that is more engaged even though they may be having an A. My H just walked out and is treating me like i never existed ie. NO contact. I almost believe that the OW is his soul mate and I am strarting to believe his lies about us never being right for each other....Anyway my h believes he is Johnny Cash at the moment!
Was wondering if i should ask h in mc to tell me the truth about his r with ow??? Everyone has seen him yet he just wont tell me!!!
You want him to fess up to the OW or do you want him to tell you about the dynamics of their R? I would say yeah it is better to just learn to accept in when atleast they fess up, but I don't like knowing too much about the dynamics of the R. so far my H tells me that OW is less stress to deal with than me... well hello he has to deal with me about 4 kids, mortgage, my medical condition (brain tumor) etc etc etc, bill, bills, and did I mention bills.... so of course it is less tension when he is at her freakin house he just has to be there...
I am sorry about the change in plans to buy the house, but with things unstable it is probably best that you wait for that for when things are made right. That is one hard thing for me right now... we bought or house 10 years ago when I was 19, so leaving the equity and stuff plus the fact that he doesn't want to move the kids into anything smaller, so I am so darn dependent on him to pay the expenses here even though I work full time he has to shell out an awful lot of money to keep us in the house and that again lead to the notion that OW is so much less stress to be there. I think she is on housing assistance and has no rent or if she does it is probably 1/4 of what we have to pay here.... blah blah blah...
Like the Bible says her (the OW) lips will drip honey in the beginning but in the end she will be bitter and her tongue will be sharper than a 2 edge sword.....
me:29, H 33 Bomb- 11/06/2006 I came home from work to find that he had moved out into an apartment. next day he says he wants to work on our marriage but will not return until he feels right. kids-4 m-10 years T- 13 years another Bomb-Sept '07 OW confirmed...
