Engagement

[SolidMechanic]

It's been so long since I did a thread, I'm not going to bother linking back to one of my old ones, so I'm just going to rehash everything here. Please bear with me. I write really slowly, so this will probably come out in dribs and drabs over time.

I'm 47, W 48, married 23 years, two daughters aged 15 and almost 10. I work full time, wife is a SAHM. We met in college, dated off and on for ~6 years before we married.

Our sex life was never quite what you would call prolific, although for a while, before we were married, we both enjoyed it, and it was really a lot of fun. It started grinding down, though before we got married, and stopped altogether soon afterward. We both were/are inexperienced at sex, and relationships for that matter. I tended to internalize my shame and resentment. I used to blame myself for making her lose interest, because at the time we got married, I was a totally irresponsible person. I was a pot addict (please, no snickering), had flunked out of college twice, couldn't hold down a decent job. I even lied to my wife about graduating from college. She found out I hadn't gotten my degree from a co-worker at a Xmas party two years after we got married.

I was never the most confident person in the world either, with women especially. I was shy and ill at ease with people (one of the main reasons I got hooked on pot), and never felt like I was physically attractive. I don't have what you would call classic good looks, although I do have some nice traits (Kirk Douglas would envy my chin). I didn't really have a clue as to the kind of personality traits that are important, and that I was actually strong in some of these areas. I was instantly attracted to my wife - lust at first site - and she was attracted to me too. But I could never figure out what attracted her to me. I didn't really feel worthy of her in the first place, so when sex dried up I wasn't too surprised.

So, early in our marriage I really felt like I didn't deserve the sex and affection that I craved. I handled rejection poorly. I would get mad, then withdraw, then take care of my own needs with porn and masturbation. Rejection was very consistent, so I stopped asking.

In the meantime, I started getting my act together. I finally landed a good job, finished my degree part time, was able to support myself and my wife so we could start planning a family, and became the kind of competent guy who could take care of business and be proud of his accomplishments. This had no effect on our sex life. The only sex we have had is to conceive our two children. The weird thing is, when we had conception sex, it was really quite good. We would get busy 4-5 times per month and it was usually enjoyable for both of us. So, it's really weird. My wife doesn't "get horny", and she has come to believe that she shouldn't bother to have sex if she doesn't feel aroused first. Yet she doesn't feel close enough to me physically to want to engage in any physically affectionate behavior that might lead to arousal. She also seems to have a strong aversion to the idea of having sex. Some of that is personal, some relational. More on that later.

I think I've learned a lot since those bad old days and have grown personally. These have not translated into growth of the marriage, though. I will write another post later to fill in more details.

SM