On the level of specifics, your sitch and mine are very different. On the level of how to DB and what you feel like - we are sisters!
I am coming up on one year of separation, and I keep thinking that I should be adjusted to all of this stuff - being able to have a life, letting H go, detaching, being strong, etc. This past week, though, I found myself doing absolutely everything wrong - it was as if H had just left. I was pleading, talking R, pursuing, wanting answers - absolutely everything that DB says NOT to do. And my H informed me that I was, in fact, pushing him out the door more (although he's been living elsewhere for a year...). He even got mad the other night and in the midst of an angry exchange told me to go dark and give him space! Nothing like getting DB advice from my WAH!
So, why am I answering your post? Because I can hear in your words what I have felt, and I am here to tell you - if you believe in the power of DB, you must work on doing everything that is counter to what you feel. It is true that doing what doesn't work won't make him come back.
You ask how to have an affect when your WAH doesn't respond to you -- the point is to get your focus off of him and instead to DB for your own sanity. A great post that has helped me - even when I have "fallen off the wagon" and am giving into my inner feelings by doing things counter it - is from JamesJohn: JamesJohn's wisdom on LRT. I have it printed out, and once more I am going to go dark and try to LRT. In the end, you must find your own strength and work on what you need to be independent. I am doing IC and trying to work on my insecurities; I know that I can only help myself be a better person. I hate letting go of control, of accepting that there is NOTHING I can do in terms of arguing or convincing that will bring my H back - only he can decide that. My determination now is that if we D or not, I am going to make sure I never repeat what happened between us; I am NOT going to go through this again. My hope is that we can rebuild our marriage with a new relationship, but I have to just give over my future to a Higher Power and work on what I know right now - that is to make me a stronger person who can find wholeness within.
I don't know if any of this helps - I know I sound a bit like the blind person leading the blind - but maybe knowing that what others have said is true: to have any of the DB work, you have to get to the point of practicing what Michele preaches.
I will keep you in my thoughts during these days. I have been and often am still there. The beauty of these online forums is how many people with experience you can find. The difficulty is being able to act on what you know is necessary.
