I suggest you go find another counselor. Go see them first and discuss what you think are issues. Including baby pressure, and even ow. Get a feel for this person's views of marriage and then take your husband. Make sure he's not going to feel attacked.
I was bummed about the Christmas present thing this year as well. Holidays suck!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Hi anyone out there. So I have a question...a lot of people are talking about there spouses contacting them and wanting to talk or even have sex. I have the opposite, I have a h that has 'gone dark' he never contacts me. He comes to see d but never texts or phones. How can dbing work when he has already detached????? If I try touch him he pulls away and says'DONT TOUCH ME? - anyone have any ideas what that is about?
Need help? friend just phoned me to say she saw h outside his aork with ow. holding hands while having a smoke break!!! i want to phone him and say finally real proof and i know, I want to phone ow to tell her to back off this is MY h and my family she is ruining!!!!!
On the level of specifics, your sitch and mine are very different. On the level of how to DB and what you feel like - we are sisters!
I am coming up on one year of separation, and I keep thinking that I should be adjusted to all of this stuff - being able to have a life, letting H go, detaching, being strong, etc. This past week, though, I found myself doing absolutely everything wrong - it was as if H had just left. I was pleading, talking R, pursuing, wanting answers - absolutely everything that DB says NOT to do. And my H informed me that I was, in fact, pushing him out the door more (although he's been living elsewhere for a year...). He even got mad the other night and in the midst of an angry exchange told me to go dark and give him space! Nothing like getting DB advice from my WAH!
So, why am I answering your post? Because I can hear in your words what I have felt, and I am here to tell you - if you believe in the power of DB, you must work on doing everything that is counter to what you feel. It is true that doing what doesn't work won't make him come back.
You ask how to have an affect when your WAH doesn't respond to you -- the point is to get your focus off of him and instead to DB for your own sanity. A great post that has helped me - even when I have "fallen off the wagon" and am giving into my inner feelings by doing things counter it - is from JamesJohn: JamesJohn's wisdom on LRT. I have it printed out, and once more I am going to go dark and try to LRT. In the end, you must find your own strength and work on what you need to be independent. I am doing IC and trying to work on my insecurities; I know that I can only help myself be a better person. I hate letting go of control, of accepting that there is NOTHING I can do in terms of arguing or convincing that will bring my H back - only he can decide that. My determination now is that if we D or not, I am going to make sure I never repeat what happened between us; I am NOT going to go through this again. My hope is that we can rebuild our marriage with a new relationship, but I have to just give over my future to a Higher Power and work on what I know right now - that is to make me a stronger person who can find wholeness within.
I don't know if any of this helps - I know I sound a bit like the blind person leading the blind - but maybe knowing that what others have said is true: to have any of the DB work, you have to get to the point of practicing what Michele preaches.
I will keep you in my thoughts during these days. I have been and often am still there. The beauty of these online forums is how many people with experience you can find. The difficulty is being able to act on what you know is necessary.
longer we wait for them the longer it takes for our lives to truely move on
That is true. On the other hand, if you follow the philosophy of DBing, giving your marriage a few months or years to get back onto track is worth it.
I haven't decided for myself what I think. I know that I am not standing still - I am working on getting a career really underway, but I teach at the college level and it takes a LONG time to get any kind of full-time position (I'm in the process of working on getting something by the fall of 2009!). H&me also, at present, aren't in any kind of financial position to divorce w/o throwing the whole family into a tailspin, and so far, my H is willing to wait. Still, we are sitting here looking at one year down and potentially 18 months to go (since my H has said he would "consider" waiting to file any D papers until I had a full-time job) - and sometimes the limbo can be really tiring. In the end, though, I think that my own inability to detach well hasn't helped me to find a peace; if that happens - me finding my own peace - I think I can wait for a long time... or maybe I'll be the one filing.
I know, though, that many on this forum have waited for years, and for many of them, that wait has been beneficial. If you think that your H is in MLC, many here will tell you it is able to be survived, but then the wait is almost always years. I think in the end, it is whatever you determine YOU need to find a balance - and IMO that can take any form (D or standing or whatever). I do know that with time, I have found the idea of divorce a lot less threatening, so maybe that ability to stomach the possibility is something to consider as making things easier.
My W and I separated in May for 1 week. We got back together and things were fantastic for 3 months. In month 4 alot of the same BS started to surface and we separated again.
I did the divorce busting ... I'd give myself a "c." Too much R talk. There was hope for us, but after a Thanksgiving weekend away, my W went full blast with the divorce. Since then, my life has been a nightmare.
Big bills, my job is a nightmare, living with a bud, distance from my child, anxiety.... ugggh.
In counselling today my h admitted to relationship with ow getting more serious. I asked him to make a choice to try make us work or to continue with her. He would not agree to ending it with her. He feels that she is what is getting him through this. The MC then agrees with him and says he must not give up ow!!!!!can anyoune explain this?
He basically chose her and is using c to get through his issues before he is strong enough to D.
