Sun, I'm sorry that this is such a mess. Well...I'm not surprised to hear that he's using the kids as the excuse for not leaving. That excuse is about the worse I've heard thus far. As for the loan, it's his problem.
Now that the child has enlightened you and the kids about himself, you will now need to go w/your life. Time to do for Sun. In other words, treat him as a roommate and nothing more. Sun, you can do this. Once he sees that you aren't worried about the way he's acting, he may very well change his tune. Be careful if he does that. He's a miserable person and he's not happy w/his life and he sure as hell doesn't want you and the kids to move on and enjoy life. He so reminds me of Scrooge.
Please take care of yourself. Sit down, chart out how you want to live your life w/o him in it for the time being and do it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This is just ridiculous. He talked to D18 for a few seconds this afternoon and then kept to himself the rest of the day. He didn't want to go to dinner with the two of us (we were relieved) and when we got home at 9:00 he was already in the bed and had left the apt door unlocked!
Hope,
You are right, he doesn't know how good he has it. He thinks he's being used by us all.
I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be here with him and lead a separate life that he is always disrupting. He says he's staying for the kids and will repair his R with them and yet won't have anything to do with me and thinks there is no way we could ever start over. He's delusional that this is going to work!
Honestly and truthfully it hurts to be loathed so. And honestly, I don't get it. He screwed up, not me. I don't get him hating me the way he does when he is the one that has destroyed everything. It would seem in a real world that he would feel remorse and at least be kind and want to at least not hurt me anymore, instead of continually looking for new ways to tell me how much he doesn't want me and can't stand me. Is everyone who does this do it this way? If I had hurt him in this way I'd crawl through glass to apologize. Does this just show how messed up he really is, or am I naive and this is how these things go?
I wish he'd just pack up and leave. I did tell him he will bring it up again sooner or later and he said no, he wouldn't. I'd bet on me being right.
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
What if... what if you took a deep breath and approached him gently and said that perhaps the two of you could agree to make the best of this situation, and you gave him a little smile, and waited for a response? Do you think he acts like he does because he expects that is how you view him and feel about him? Not saying you shouldn't!! He's earned it. But would it be totally out of the question to just try this? It doesn't sound like you have anything to lose, Sun. I'm just trying to think of anything that might help.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I suppose I could try, but everytime I attempt a "let's just start over from scratch and see what happens" conversation he points out how he wants nothing to do with me and then goes on to shred me to bits by pointing out everything he hates about me.
His idea of making the most of it is to stay as far away from each other as possible and pretend in front of the kids that things are fine so that he can fool them into thinking he's trying.
I know, I know. This sounds negative. You have no idea what it's like to live with such a man. I don't recognize him any longer. I used to be able to see the man I once knew in there, but no more.
He won't talk to me! He says that every conversation ends in an argument. D18 pointed out to me the other night that she had seen that no matter what I say he tries to claim I'm starting an argument and gets all worked up. It's not just me, the kid's see it to. I have begged him to sit down with me and have an adult conversation without all the shouting, and he simply cannot. I don't know if its guilt, or what, but he detests me right now. He also sees us as in a competition for the kids and I don't. I am just their mother, period, always have been. They are ashamed of him and don't by his bull anymore.
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, Until this man works through some of his issues, you aren't going to be able to start over from scratch. The best thing you can do is just live together and yet keep some distance between you, almost like roommmates.
He's drowning you out when you try to talk to him. Why? He's like a brat on a rebelling spree. They tune you out and think they know everything. So, if he wants to live there as ships passing in the night, I'd do it for a while and see just how long it takes him to start sniffing around you again. He continues to draw you into his web w/bait and then slam dunks you, so do the opposite, speak and keep moving along. Live your life as if you own him no explanation as to what you are doing, where you are going, etc. The old saying "be careful for what you ask for"...well, give it to him in double dose.
He's extremely jealous of the relationship you have w/the kids. That's his problem and most of them do go through this period too. Ignore his behavior as best you can and remember, you can't control him, but you sure can work around him to save yourself.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was just sitting here thinking about disappearing for the evening and not leaving him a note. When I got home he was headed out to run. It's so peaceful when he's not here.
You are right, of course. I know he ignores everything I say.
He sent me an email to work today with some more song lyrics at the end of it. It made no sense to me so I wrote him back and told him I didn't know what he was trying to tell me, that I didn't speak "song" and I guess it made him mad. He wrote back and said "never mind."
He's mad that I won't "fake it for the kids" or some such crap. I want peace and a real R with a real man. Not some 14 year old who explains all his thoughts with song lyrics. I like music as much as most, but come on.
I do believe he's jealous of my R with the kids, but he had many chances to choose to get to know them and their friends. As they got older he tuned them out for the most part. Not my fault. I know their friends and what is going on in their lives because I'm interested.
I do like the idea of not taking his bait anymore. I've heard his bull too many times and I KNOW he is no where near ready to really deal with any serious issues.
You know, I'm really, really tired. Really tired. This is so old and I just need a BREAK!!!!
Sorry, I would love to go out on the balcony and scream some profanity at the top of my lungs! Instead, I take the dog for a walk . . .
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, Your h may be trying to speak the the alien language by using lyrics from a song. Take a good look at the song...this may be the only way that he can talk to you right now. I know it sounds so stupid, but some of them do this. I got a number of musical calls early on. One of them was called "The Stand" quite interesting and it told a lot about the individual who was out to lunch.
Take a nice walk w/the dog and it's time to give him that much need silence for a while.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'll look it over. It was a song by Soundgarden called "The Day I Tried to Live." Another death reference, I think. Or something about how living only leads to death. Mundane.
Hugs for always being here for me. Wish I could do something for you.
Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, I was going to suggest to try to look over the song, too. I think your H is trying to reach out to you in the only way he knows how right now. Remember, he's definitely not the man you married right now, so don't expect him to act like it. To be honest, sending you song lyrics is exactly the type of thing I would expect from him. He's trying to talk to you... Have a great walk with your puppy.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
