time for honesty & truth for a new beginning pt 3

[phbear316]

morning all

No lwb, i am not mad. I am just hurting. I keep thinking about that statement of my h saying we just grew apart. No you grew away from me. I saw it, it was over the job. He became powerful, impatient, and had not time for me. I just stood there and am still standing here just waiting. I did not push or bring things up because i did not want to put anymore pressure on him. So i kept my mouth shut. And look where i am at for it.

I hear every word you are all saying to me, but i just cannot let go, i feel if i let go is will be like a speeding train away from me at full speed.

I know i cannot make him love me, make him have respect for me, i know all these things. Its just the thought of losing him totally, and being served with divorce papers just makes me sick. I know i cannot make him give me another chance but that is what i wish for. I want the field to be even, I want to control something. I want to try and if it does not work out, well i want to have an opinion about it, not have one made for me. Sorry rambling this am, just feeling so low.

Do i really want to take him out to dinner for his birthday, part of me is like no, part of me is yes, its still his birthday. I guess i am trying to show him at least I still respect him and i respect people in general. I am hoping that if i show him respect, he will be respectful to me. I know this is impossible, i know. Just rambling today like i said before.

I was wondering, i was thinking of leaving h a copy of the letting go statement, you all know the one. letting go does not mean i don't care about you.. Someone here sent it to me. I was thinking of leaving it for h to find when i go away. Still on the fence but getting a lot easier, now trust me. Stupid idea or what?

Oh last night i went and snooped in the suitcase, i found the paperwork from the wedding, so i took it and hid it away. Since we do not have a joint savings account, when i go tomorrow to open my own checking account i am going to take $218 out of the checking account and add it to my saved money since he used our joint american express card to pay for the room. I want him to confront me about it. I really do. It was one thing i did say to h yesterday about the christmas gift he may have bought her, i'm not happy with you spending my money on her. H claims he did not buy her anything, right i said don't believe you. H did say about the gym bag is what he thought i would like since i am going to the gym for me and doing something good for me i would like it. No i said i did not want something as an afterthought. H then says to me will if there was something you wanted why did you not tell me? WHAT? UGH

I did jab him when we were driving last night, we were talking about gps units like Tom toms, etc. H was being all bossy cause they use them at work, and i said well i don't know how they operate, so i am no expert, but i have always wanted one, but every time i would bring it up, like when i say one on qvc, you were never interested so i gave up hoping you would get us one.

I know the things i have to do, just so hurt right now scared. I will be pushing myself to do this. I need to do this, i know this. Its just going to take me some time.

((((hugs))) to all I will be back later going for a walk to clear my head and call my mom.

bear