Still hopeful for some pleasant surprises

[Kimmie Lee]

If I'm out of line here, please let me know.

But there is no way in hell that I would go to AM classes. That is just one more thing that could be held against you. Don't do it!

[SirPrizeMe]

Hi Kimmie, I thought about that.

I spoke to my attorney and I spoke to my individual counselor. Neither raised a red flag about this. NEither suggested it would be something that "legally" would count as a strike against me. My attorney thought that depending on the judge it could be viewed as positive. In other words I am open minded, I went to AM classes on my own.

I also reflected on this myself. My view is that W and I have different styles. I grew up the son of an Italian father, very passionate. W grew up with no father, and an alcoholic mother, who didn't care what she did. No boundaries.

When I set a boundary for the kids, it's a power struggle between W and I. I don't want my boys to have long moppy hair, but they do. So I strongly suggest that they wash their hair every day, and comb it so that they at least look neat. She resents this. There are 1000 examples just the same. This is the crux of it. This is the source of most our problems. She and I do not agree on the role of parents and spouses in a relationship. She's never seen a father. Doesn't know what one looks or acts like.

If I insist on the children putting away their toys before they move onto the next one, she says that I am controlling and overstrict. The result is we live in a mess of a house and the parents take too much labor on themselves, cleaning up after kids. It's freaked. Look, I am comfortable cleaning toilets and washing dishes, but do I have to pick up all the barbies too? a six year old can do that herself.

So in general I think I am being reasonable, and I think I have happily compromised in the course of our marriage many times.

But, I still am inclined to go to the classes. if I dig my heels in on this and say "NFW, No AM Classes for me! It's not MY FAULT." I would be justified, I think. On the other hand, would that be likely to indicate to her that I still want this marriage, that I am willing to change and work to get it?

What's the worst that could happen? Maybe I will learn some skills and gain better control of myself...? Could I stand it?

[SirPrizeMe]

I spoke with one of the counselors on the recommended list, I wanted to find out about the program. He told me "It's a one-year mandated program by law..."

What?!?!? Law Schmaw, there are no judgments against me!

These programs are set up to cater to the convicted batterer.

That ain't me. I wonder if they'll even know what to do with me.

[SirPrizeMe]

Had a GRRRRREAT time skiing with my boys yday.

D6 is mad at me, angry at me for being away from her mommy. She refused to go with me and the boys to the movie the other night.
I would be angry too. I can see her point. W sees this. She suggested family therapy to work through the transition. Ugh.

How 'bout we just skip the transition, AND the therapy to work through it? How 'bout we keep our marriage intact and show our kids how to redeem each other and reconcile?

Anyway, when I got back to the house, D9 was soooo happy to see me, big smiles and big hugs. She told me all about her day. W was right next to her when she ran to me.

This is me, the abuser. It was a very nice feeling.

I don't know why I write all this stuff; I guess it's just like a journal for me.

[SirPrizeMe]

I got a beautiful letter in the mail from D6 yesterday. It made me weep.

Dear Dad, hears a nyoospapr of a footbal tym. i hope you lyk it.

I have to write her back. I want to send her kisses and squeezes and silly faces in the mail, but I can't get them in the envelope.

I called the house last night to talk to the kids, W sent me an email an hour later saying she did not hear the phone, but that she'd take it with her upstairs at bathtime from now on.

D9 got some (baby) teeth pulled yday, in prep for orthodontics, and I didn't speak with her after. I know she was worried about it.

*sigh*

this is the shape of things to come - missing the little things that make up a life with my kids. Half of life is "showing up" they say, and you know what? I am no longer able to even "show up" because W has locked me out of my kids' lives.

[SirPrizeMe]

I had a pretty disturbing dream last night. I was out with friends and there were women; unspecific, sort of faceless women, who wanted me. I always have these vague dreams, there is a plot and action but it is pretty vague. Motivations and dialog don't figure too large. Anyway somehow this pretty thing and I connected. She was very small, petite, like a waif really, but she was a mature woman. Anyway we got together but "it didn't fit."

I am afraid of a relationship with a new person, I think. I still want to have a relationship with the mother of my kids. Really need to get off that, though.

repeat after me, Sir:
It's not happening. I have no control over it.
I have no control over it.
I have no control over it.

[SirPrizeMe]

Movie tonight with the kids. I'm looking forward to it. W mailed me and said

I need to know your exact plans/ times, etc.. I have plans for the evening and need to coordinate with a sitter to be here when you drop them off. Please let me know a.s.a.p. tonight or first thing tomorrow morning.

Right. Well. I don't have EXACT plans and times. The kids are picking the movie. Ask them.

It really seems to be inconvenient to her, for me to be in their lives at all. As if she imagines in a divorce I will be completely vaporized, and she won't have to consider me, consider my time with the kids, I won't be "in her life" any longer. It goes along with her complete indignation about not being able to stay in the house I am currently paying for.

That rattling sound you hear? oh, it's just me shaking my head.

[SirPrizeMe]

I spoke to my counselor about the AM thing - she asked me, in 10 years how will you feel if you don't go to classes? Will you feel like you somehow didn't give it everything you had? She said, that would be the only reason to go - to feel right for myself.

My answer: No way. I gave it everything. I gave it all I had.

It's clear she doesn't want me. (that's very true now, maybe forever). She is raising my anger as another obstacle to our staying together. If I remove that obstacle, she'll invent another one.

So I'm not going to AM classes. Maybe Tango lessons instead?

[Kimmie Lee]

Good for you.

I just got almost sick to my stomach when I saw that you were considering going to AM classes. I don't care what anyone tells you, they probably mean well, but that is a disaster waiting to happen. It could have backfired big time! Seriously, that was a ploy by your W to get another weapon in her arsenal against you. YIKES!!

[SirPrizeMe]

Weird. Kimmie, I love that you are looking out for me.
My pro advisers (counselor, marriage counselor, divorce attorney) all told me that it couldn't hurt to go to AM classes.

But I decided against it anyway.

Why would it be a disaster? The reason I declined to go is because the people I spoke with all have a built-in assumption that I am guilty, convicted even, and I am being compelled by a court to attend the classes. It just didn't feel like me.

ps: W didn't have any "plans for the evening" for Friday, as she said. That was her justification for needing to know "Exact times, etc." for our movie plans. She and the kids all stayed home on Friday night. Hmph. I guess she has a right to spending quiet time with the kids, too. But she wasn't honest about it at all. (Surprise)


WHATEVER!