Many of us were on the same Roller Coaster Ride from Hell as you and for a long, long time. I never slept for about 2 years. There is not much you can do but try to get through it the best you can. Try reading something other than R books when you can't sleep or do your day work (I HAD to do that since I was a mess by day). Remember "This too shall pass". The torment that comes along with the MLC torture is difficult to handle for anyone, but we all know it. Keep the faith - it will turn out fine for you in time if you stay true to yourself. But the truth is - no matter what - you can't avoid all this - you can't go around it - you have to go through it all to get to the other side. Go read the posts on "Surviving the Big D". Everyone there has walked a mile in your shoes and come out of it stronger and finally at peace for the most part.
As for the children - don't consider yourself a babysitter. You are a father. I know it seems like she is using you, but think of it, instead, as a gift. Some dads have custody. Since you don't - take them every chance you can and show them the best dad you can be. Document all extra visitaion in case there is ever a custody issue - this will help you. But DO NOT do it for that reason. Do it because you love your kids and even if your ex is Mother Theresa - this whole scene is VERY hard on the kids. Don't ever let them be aware that they're in a tug of war.
That's the best advice I can give you. When it comes to the welfare of the kids - you know what is best. Don't ask anyone else.
My D would love your name. Her favorite two things are Brats and Barbies. I think she has close to 100, they're all at my apt. The only regret she had yesterday about going to W's was that she would not get to go to flea mkt. with me today to look for more. Any question as to where she considers home? It's sad in a way, but touches my heart at the same time.
Just left W a message suggesting a compromise to our now screwed up child care schedule. I offered to split the week with her, me taking them the last half of week, her the first as I have things I must do immediately and she works late the last days of the week. She has seemed diferent of late possibly moving out of anger her response will be interesting. Just to be safe, I think I'll put on my helment and move to the fallout shelter to await her response.
That's the part I really hate about this. It's like being in a car accident. I can see it coming, like it's in slow motion, but I can do nothing to stop it. It's that feeling of helplessness, total loss of control.
I have never been a control freak, but I hate no win situations. Of course this seems like the ultimate no win situation for all of us; our spouses, our children. Maybe I need to change the way I look at this.
Last edited by sleeper; 01/06/0806:59 PM.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
W brought kids over last night. She took them to church yesterday. Hasn't done that in OVER A YEAR! Is something happening here?
I'm starting to feel guilty about not taking the kids more this weeek to help her out. I've been used before so I'm wary of that (did anyone hear that little girl cry wolf?). Maybe she really does need help this time. Should I be pulling away or helping her more? Any opinions?
Yesterday she had to stretch to find something to be angy at me. Basically she said I was backsliding and not helping fix things at the house. We're seperated which makes that a little more difficult as ther are distance and communication problems as to what needs to be done, when and how. Oh yea, and she has changed the locks and I don't even have a key to get in. I did say a few weeks ago I was going to fix the fence, tried to but we had cordination problems and I assumed she had someone else do it....wrong. So I'm supposed to be super fix it husband man, even though we're seperated and she has a boyfriend.
How is she supposed to miss me if I'm expected to be doing everything I did before (but better).
Should I do more and feel used, like I'm enabling her to have her cake and eat it too, or do I do less and prove to her I haven't changed and am unworthy?
She's noticed my 180's and even mentioned to a friend if I had "been like this a couple of years ago" she wouldn't have left me. She more recently commented to me (out of the clear blue) "you think just because you've changed you can just come back to the marriage." Is it time to cut her off and go dark?
Such is the stuff of which insanity is made.
Last edited by sleeper; 01/07/0812:00 PM.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
(non)Sleeper, I may actually be in a position to repay some of the kindness and support you've given me.
First, I'm so sorry that your little kids are in the middle of this. I am truly fortunate that mine are grown. I don't know how I'd manage my mess with kids involved. You're one strong guy.
I met my W on the rebound from her first marriage. She had custody of two boys, ages 4 and 6. They are now 27 and 29 and are both fine young men now, married, with a kid each.
I had a ringside seat to all the custody scuffles and could watch without being emotionally involved. The kids will eventually be able to tell which parent has their act together, and they will look to that parent as they grow older.
They will figure it out, and you will be rewarded with their love and respect. It just takes time. My stepsons look to me as their "real" father because I rose above all the BS and focused on being a good example.
Keep doing what you're doing good buddy...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Thanks Bombardier, You're right and I have already sensed this.
One day they will look back and remember mommy had a boyfriend, daddy didn't have a girlfriend. They have both referred to my apartment as "home." Made me sad and proud at the same time. There's been blessings within this curse as my children and I have bonded like never before.
Thanks for the encouragement.
You hang tough. The stage you're in now (shortly post bomb) is the worst. It will get easier for you. Keep that in mind. Think of all the other rough times you went through in your life that seemed unbearable at the time but are now faded memories.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
I've sensed this too. Although I try not to talk to them much about what is going on, they know that this is their mothers doing. W also shoots them down when ever they try to talk to her about their feeling and desires related to this where as I tell them that you never know what the futre hold and that they should always talk about what is bothering them. W is clueless to the long term damage caused by her actions but I suppose it goes with the territory.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
My W showed major concern for the kids just before Christmas, first time since this crisis began. Also showed guilt to the extent of tears. I believe its a major breakthrough for her and evidence that she is progressing through, but not out of, this crisis. Early on if the children complained to her she responded,"you are a child, those are decisions for adults".
Once my counselor who knows her well told me, "it's going to be alright, she has a conscience". I never asked him to expound on his comment, but can only believe conscience can be a motivating factor to do the right thing and find theirway back home. Mine was very close and protective of her children before the breakdown.
Lets hope our W's maternal instincts will prevail over the alien.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
