New to Piecing -- again

[RealJourney]

Hi PS, Thank you for stopping by. Wishing you all good things in 2008, RJ

[peaceful_spirit]

I am struggling today and I need some help before I open my mouth and act on my emotions.

I have negative thoughts coming into my head. I can't tell if H has been distant or if it's just normal every day life.

Not a day goes by that I don't wonder if today is the day he's going to contact OW or vise versa. The thought of him backsliding AGAIN (which happened many times for a while there) makes me sick to my stomach. And I don't want to initiate R talks all the time.

I guess I need some reassurance from him. But the problem is, I seem to always need that reassurance. I know i've asked this before, but I am asking it again.. will I ever feel safe again? Will I ever feel secure that my M will survive? Will I ever stop saying, "If I stay M"...

What can I do to feel better? Should I talk to H? I don't want to come across needy.

I'm in a sucky frame of mind right now.

[Michael Mc C]

Just a suggestion. When the bomb was first dropped and you looked into DB'ing, what were some of the things you realized you would have/could have done if you had known how he was feeling back then? Is there something you can do now to bring his attention back to you without seeming needy and without actually having a R talk?

[Concerned_Listener]

PS,
The first step in the path to tame fear and suffering is to understand what's going on in your head. You're too busy scanning the environment looking for something that will provide you "security." You're busy trying to interpret your H's words and behavior.

Ask yourself, what's going on here? What is it that I want? Is this something within my influence? Can I learn to let go of the pieces that are beyond my control? Can you loosen your grip on what you want so intensely so that it becomes a preference versus an intense desire?

Are you cultivating positives in your life? This is the final way to tame fear and suffering. By living your life, cultivating positive relationships, engaging in hobbies, having meaningful work, and enjoying recreation you are living your life in the present and increasing the positives.

Are you getting better at taming your fears and suffering? Are you posting less frequently on these issues? Do you get back on-track more quickly?

CL

[peaceful_spirit]

Michael and CL,
This is exactly what I was looking for. Sometimes I need reminders of how to channel my thoughts.

Michael,
You better believe I've been working on those things that were not right in our M pre-bomb. It's been almost two years of identifying those things and working on them one by one. I will admit that I was NOT meeting H's needs pre-bomb... certainly not his top needs, that's for sure. I have a new level of awareness now and have turned much of that around.

CL,
I love hearing from you because I know you'll force me to look inward and get at the root of what's going on within me. You're right... I look for external "things" for validation. I have always had a big problem with anticipating. I tend to ruin today worrying about tomorrow. I am working on this and have made great progress. However, at times this becomes a conscious effort.

I know that I do tend to calm down when I remember that I am okay by myself. I survuved without H for a year, I can do it again if need be. I know that I CAN find happiness within me. And it's when I start to worry about what H is doing that I start feeling that loss of control. I know I cannot control him, nor do I want to. I can only control me. I can not control H staying away from OW. And I guess that's what is causing some of my suffering.

This is good food for thought. Thank you.

[RealJourney]

PS, Are you feeling better today?

[peaceful_spirit]

Hey RJ,
Thinks are fine, I guess. I just find myself worrying all the time. I am trying to find some peace within myself.

H and I did end up talking the other night. I did ask him if he had spoken to OW recently. He said no, and asked when we're going to get past this. I guess I can't blame him, but he needs to see my point of view either.

He said, "is this ever going to end?". I said, "now you knwo how I felt for so long". He said, "True. Now, think about how angry that made you".

We left it at that. The next morning, I said, "sorry about last night".

I have checked his cell phone a bunch of times over the last day or so. i guess I'm falling off the wagon. I go through these periods where I feel insecure and feel the need for reassurance... either from H or from things like checking his phone. What is wrong with me?

Then I worry that I am driving him away. All I do is worry. I have worked so hard to not have this frame of mind, but it's overcoming me lately.

I am searching for that place of peace within me that I once had. It seems to be missing right now.

[RealJourney]

PS, You and your H are still in a transition period. To me, this is the hardest stage of all. He is still clearing, and you are still recovering from the trauma of it all. It is natural to seek out reassurance, but that kind of thing triggers the guilt and shame within H, and he doesn't really give you the kind of response you need. And then you become angry with yourself for upetting the apple cart, which leads to more anxiety that there will be setbacks. This is all par for the course.

The only thing I can tell you is to hang in there...you are really doing well. It is unrealistic to think that you should remain quiet and keep your fears to yourself. Your H is going to have to provide more support for you, as you work on your own anxiety ( which you are doing). For now, while he still is sorting through things, try your best not to bring up OW. He is trying, I am sure, to put her on a far shelf in the back of his mind, waaaaay far back. If you want reassurance, ask for support from him. Practice this: "H, I am feeling kind of off right now, can you give me a hug?" Ask him to bring dinner in, pour a glass of wine, make a bath, etc. Or, take the distraction/fun route, rather than the nurturing, by asking him to go for a walk with you, renting a movie, etc. The point is, get his help without bringing OW to light. Keep her in the dark where she belongs.

Oh and one more thing, Pleasepleaseplease do not go near the cell phone. It is trauma to the brain and can send you into a downward spiral. View it as the poison it is.

Luv, RJ

[peaceful_spirit]

RJ,
I love you! You always know just what to say.

I love your suggestion about asking for a hug when I feel off. What you said about how the anxiety builds is dead on. I feel like you're inside my head.

It is good to know this is par for the course. It helps me to take the pressure off myself.

Thanks.

[Aud31]

(((hugs))) Don't be too hard on yourself, we all stumble from time to time! I love the positive suggestions RJ gave you--now you have a battle plan!