If I thought landing on you like I did with LFL would help, I'd do it. But doggone it... this crap you are spewing...
It's just really beneath you, and you'd never, ever tolerate it out of me, were I doing the same thing. You are just way too dam intelligent for this hissy fit you are throwing. So, there must be some fear there, on your part, that keeps you from doing something different. Sorry, just don't buy the BTDT thing. You are on 2x marriage.
I suppose on the one hand I am throwing a hissy. I pulled back from H and my M since this pregnancies inception because H pulled back from me for the whole pregnancy itself, throughout the pregnancy I kept trying with H and finally we ml in feb. I don't remember how long that drought was but I talked with H & he agreed that he had been disconnected & he said he didn't know why. We went away, ML once & folks, that was IT until now. Sure it was my fault that I let it go and go and go until we got here. I have gone from anger to resignation to self loathing to ideas/plans & back again. During the anger part it looks a whole lot like a hissy. OTOH I think genuine confusion is a better and more accurate way to look at it.
My somewhat willful behavior of just leaving the proverbial ball on the ground is PART of why we are here but remember, he has responsibilities to our M too. Yes, I am married for the second time. I married H because I thought he loved me and wanted a life with me. Sometimes I think he only wanted to make and raise babies with me and that what he wanted sexually is a whole nother matter. I won't divorce H and I won't make our life together crappy (despite the hissies on the forum we get along well in real life and he would probably say we were "fine", just tired and stressed). What I have come to want is some honesty. If he wants to be married in name only maybe we can negotiate that. If he's got issues maybe we can work on them. If he wants to go I won't like it but I'll accept it. Somethings gotta give. Hence, my two paragraphs that Stig found to be finger pointing.
My genuine dilemma is that if those two paragraphs that were my attempt to be responsible for myself and myself only were shaming and finger pointing and we are so distant as to not even merit the usual pecks and if my gut tells me that H has some really icky things inside that are part of this equation how am I to approach it that doesn't qualify as a hissy?
Is your suggestion that I just whole hog join back in my marriage, kiss H, initiate with H and then when he gives me the "You again?" look point it out so I can really be a b*tch in his eyes? What do I say, "Gee H, seems like you aren't interested wanna tell my why?"? If I did that every time H acts that way it would be shaming because even in our early R this would happen a lot and me, in my deluded lust would think, "Oh, he's just inexperienced and needs lots of positive affirmations." So, I would giggle, jokingly cuff him and say, C'mon you know you wanna. Then praise the h@ll out of him no matter how half heartedly he joined in. So now, if I joined in this M the way I really want to live I would be calling him on lack of participation at least once/day if not more. Then what??
So, you see Stig and Corri I am really confused. My little "speech" was judged as finger pointing and just "do it" coupled with radical honesty (positive or negative as applies) will for sure be finger pointing when the feedback is negative. What am I missing? I am a terrific wife and mother who participates wholly in every aspect of our family life, I have made my sexual needs known throughout this M to no avail. I need to get H to tell me where he stands. To me, that is the missing piece of all of this. All he can ever tell me when we have these talks is that he "loves me" and that he is "tired, stressed and there is this event or that event that has something to do with it". It is BS but if I were to catalog the sum of the R and include all of the droughts and all of the excuses and tell him that the droughts are real and the excuses false I really would be throwing a hissy. It is a dilemma and I am stuck. I love him. I love him enough to stay with few deal breakers. I would prefer a real M, with sex. I will let him go if necessary.
Tell me how to get out of my stuckness. Do I re-format the talk or do I just go forward behaviorally as Stig suggested?
