All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Dis,

Good discussion on this thread. Umm, first though, I NEVER said not to be sympathetic to your h. I Said stop pursuing and to have no expectations. Also I believe I told you to "Listen like a lover" when he calls, to hide ALL your anger from him, and to counter any negative images he has of the home life (any nagging, fighting, silent treatments, begging, etc) with positive images that are the opposite. Like being light hearted, having some laughter, affection with the kids at least, being playful, etc. Make the home a refuge but lighten up big time, b/c you ARE obsessing and that helps NO ONE, including the kids. This was advice I got from my DB coach and it is NOT easy.

As for wooing, that's an interesting question. Your h gave you the ILYBINILWY speech so I don't see exactly how that applies. BUT it might. I did fly up to see my h at one point early on, and told him that he was the love of my life and I didn't want things to end...but that I also had some dealbreakers/boundaries he had to respect and he did NOT do so immediately and that still hurts me. But yes, I did make a grand gesture and he responded. Much later when I felt that we were about done, I could tell in his voice he was starting to get frantic. He'd ask me every time we'd talk, when I was going to join him, if ever. He was alone in Alaska & I could tell he was wondering wth he had done. He was lonely and it showed. I surprised him for his birthday, and it felt fine b/c I was choosing to do it without feeling manipulated, etc. It was definitely a surprise and when he saw me, He cried. It was a "moment" and I think things began to turn when he saw that I really did/do love him a lot, and that he almost lost something more valuable than ANY job.

I hope I'm right. I cross my fingers and hope this is all true. At least I know I"ve done all I could do, including the strong "make it on my own and be happy if I have to" part, which was the scariest part in many ways.

From where I sit, your sitch is a bit different. I still think your h needs lots of space and I am SURE you need to stop analyzing. Please. Don't worry about every text you send and stop worrying about what he might think/say/feel. HE HIMSELF admits he's a lousy communicator. Don't enable him to stay that way. Take what he says at face value until he learns to speak up better or more clearly. That includes his silence. At most ask for one clarification and then treat him like the adult he needs to be.

Some of this is simply the consequence of his choosing to leave. I don't mean for you to gloat at all. But this is life. When a man leaves, it hurts....everyone he left, and sometimes him too. That IS LIFE --and that's why those choices should not be made without care, thought, and prayer. He needs time.

As I've said so many times here, you can blow things by rushing and pushing and obsessing. But I have NEVER seen someone (LBSer) "blow it' by taking things slowly and giving someone the space they need. No more obsessing. If he's testing you somehow, (like a 16 y/o....) then you need somehow to show how loving and affectionate you are as a PERSON/mom/sister/friend, etc and not pursue. IMHO.
(( j ))