I had the affair and now my marriage appears Over

[25yearsmlc]

Dear LH,

We'll work on brainstorming about new screen names later.. For now, I want to tell you how some of what you wrote struck me, although FA and others may disagree with me, so get their feedback too.

For me, SOME of what you wrote smacked of neediness, what YOU want and need, and wish for, etc. You're feeling desparate b/c these needs and wants may well not be met due to your A and the related fall out. I'm not sure how much of a 180' that looks like to your wife b/c, what if ALL YOUR NEEDS are not met? Isn't that something she could fear? I mean, no one can fill all your needs and in your case, your wife may well fear what it means when you don't feel all your needs are being met.

I mean, if you have a "list" of all that you want and need from your wife, and that list isn't always fulfilled, (which it won't be) will she feel fearful of another A?
I apologize for being harsh, but do you see how this seems to be all about you? Not her and not the child. What you offer her is your presence and companionship but what about specifics that you can offer her withIN that? What do you bring to the table as a friend? hobbies/interests/listening skills? As far as how much you love her, "unconditionally" etc, well, if I'm not mistaken you justified the A earlier b/c YOUR NEEDS were not met and so, it'll be awhile before she can hear about how "safe" and unfailing your love for her is. Make sense?

You were wondering about how your wife can see some 180's in this sitch. Well, what are you doing about the geographical separation? Even if you do end up divorced, you'd want to be close to your daughter, right? Can you DO something about that? Doesn't one of you HAVE to move in order for you to live together as a family anyhow? And again, even if you do D, won't one of you need to move in order for your daughter to have both parents near?

I see lots of positives in your sitch, but wanted to post another viewpoint for your consideration. Just stuff to think about.

Hope it helps and hope you stick with this DBing with MUCH more patience. Your time line has to change. As I told you, my h did some crappy things to me, over a period of time although to my knowledge it did Not include an A. STILL, it took him 2 years to come out of the MLC enough for us to live under the same roof and even with that, I have trust issues with him and I have to do A LOT of work on forgiving him for putting us into such a stupid position financially, so much time away from the kids, and other things.

So you know, here's another perspective of mine about moving on with my H and our re-newed M. I love him and want things to work out and have faith that they will.

On the other hand, When my h gets impatient with me for not "forgetting" (my word, not his) the pain of our troubles fast enough, I remind him as firmly but lovingly as I can, that he is NOT in a position to make those types of demands. And Just between us, I feel that my h is damn lucky I'm talking to him, let alone living with him. He is needy and wants almost constant "family time" which means no private time for me and lately, over the holidays, the kids have had very little time without h fluttering around them.

I have so little emotional reserves inside for any hassles from h, and I have a hard time sounding calm and loving when he gets irritable or skims over problems he created. He complains a lot about money but it was HIS unilateral choices that worsened our sitch, so it's hard for me to bite my tongue then. I'm venting now but I think maybe a little of this could relate to your sitch or your wife's feelings, at least by analogy.

Hang in there, relax. You have a lot to chew on and think about. At least the changes you make will be easier to see when you're with your wife b/c it's harder to notice change when you see each other every day. Make those moments count, and let them reflect the new you.
(( j- ))