My marriage is hopeless VI I

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Scott,

It has been a long time since I posted to you. I'm sorry to see your sitch has evolved this way. If I recall correctly, there is still OP somewhere around lurking...and he too, has an ex, and children. Lovely.

Just wanted to check in and remind you to two things you may not want to hear now, or ever again, but what the heck....here goes.

First, As I may have said, I've got two relatives who divorced, only to remarry their spouses later, and both said the 2nd time around was better, happier, more profound. How? I was pretty young back then, so I'm going by what they say now, and what I saw then.

Both M's had children, so there was reason for continuing contact, and the LBSers (my aunt was the WAS and my cousin was the LBS h) worked hard to contain their anger in front of the WAS. That didn't always work and I know my cousin said some crappy things to his wife, and God knows what my aunt told my uncle when she left him. After 5 years apart, they met at a family event, had a drink later, and my uncle asked her whether she was any happier and she said no. They resumed their R/M and years later when my uncle passed away, his wife and children were with him at his bedside. My aunt said the 2nd time around was better, less fighting, more loving, holding hands, etc.

My cousin's wife left him after 7-10 years. I know only that they both drank too much, fought too much, etc. They weren't on great terms right after the D, but they stayed in touch due to their kids. They became friends again, and kept it like that for some time. I know there were some OP b/c my cousin dated and I think his ex did as well. But they also stayed friends or "co-parents" and one thing led to another. This particular cousin has been one of the biggest supporters of DBing and believed in my H and I and our M, even when I didn't. Guess it's b/c he's been there, done that, etc.

So my first, not so briefly made point to you Scott, is that even divorces don't always end M's in the long run.

My second comment was 2 part. One, just wanted to express support for how apparently dignified you've been acting and how that is crucial for your daughters,
and your R with them....and who knows? Maybe it'll soften your wife's heart down the road... but it's the daughters and your R's with them that most counts now.
What I most want to say is this: You are modelling how to deal with setbacks and heartbreak and your daughters are watching. They will be deeply hurt someday too. Show them that it's survivable, and that though your pain is deep, it is not fatal and will not be eternal. Grace under fire...

I still believe that no woman is unmoved by loving interactions between her children and their father. It's touching, and melts the coldest hearts. In fact, if I were to date again, the SINGLE most important thing I'd look for in a man would be how he relates to the kids. For most women, it's a deal breaker or deal maker. The few times I met women (as clients) who told me they liked the new men in their lives "Except they [ie the new man] don't get along with the kids..." was ALWAYS a red flag to me and I'd interrupt them and say, "wth are you talking about? How can you possibly say he's a good guy BUT doesn't like your kids?" Etc etc. Most women and most men, get that. Even WAS's... If that isn't true, all I can say is good riddance.

But your wife isn't insane Scott. I remember some of the comments she made at the bomb time and her confusion, justifications, etc. Pretty typical "part MLC, part WAS" and "part unique to her" stuff. But she loves the kids, as you do. And for that, we can be grateful.

Finally, regarding the custody issues... the one thing that is ALWAYS true no matter what state you live in, is this: custody can ALWAYS be modified or changed...just depends on what's in the best interests of the child and if something in the circumstances change, then custody can also. Period. I'm not saying every issue is worth going to court, and you have to distinguish a change in circumstance from a change that YOU or your spouse wants...My brother got a promotion and thought that the increased salary should justify more custody...but he couldn't see that money alone wasn't a change in the KID"S lives, it was a change in HIS life....theoretically could mean a better home, better school, etc and THAT could have meant something for the kids....but the KIDS are the focus. Stability is huge and changes shouldn't be requested lightly. Courts KNOW this more than some parents. I'm amazed at how many WAS want to "move on and start fresh" as if the kids haven't been through enough already. But again, it's about what's best for the kids.

Since I know YOU get this, I want you to keep hope up. You may end up seeing them more than you expect to right now. And when they're older, they'll have much more say in where they go. Don't give up, even now Scott.

Sending you hugs and faith that no matter what, I just know YOU will be alright. You will laugh again, love again, hug again (for real) and you will be happy again. Sooner than you think. Keep in touch, you are not alone. ( BTW, I'm with my h, and I think we're gonna make it. It isn't all perfect or all smoothly worked out, but we are together and he says things I need to hear. Hopefully, I am doing the same for him. I'll post more on that later)
((( j- )))