BTW, do you you know anyone who can do the Vulcan Mind-Meld? I have some ideas I'd like to share.... Oh, well, just one really... Love.
No...but I have tried... Didnt work :P I just got some really funny looks.
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
This has crossed my ming many times before. Where I run in to problems is answering the question "Why" without maing my W sound like a raving lunatic. Changing sexual orientation to fit in with your friends is pretty out there. It would be interesting to understand the rational that goes through her mind in this.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Because wouldn't tell me why she wanted to leave. (The explanation that I got was basically "I'm miserable but you are good to me and a good husband and I tell all my friend what a good father you are") I've had to spend a lot of time reflecting on this and trying to figure out what is really going on.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Because wouldn't tell me why she wanted to leave. (The explanation that I got was basically "I'm miserable but you are good to me and a good husband and I tell all my friend what a good father you are") I've had to spend a lot of time reflecting on this and trying to figure out what is really going on.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
(The explanation that I got was basically "I'm miserable but you are good to me and a good husband and I tell all my friend what a good father you are")
Sexual orientation aside, I have heard this EXACT thing. Also, "all my friends think I'm crazy to leave you, you're such a good husband."
REALLY?
I am 3/4 of the way through "love must be tough" by James Dobson, and his examples of excuses for spouses leaving for OM/OW, are WORD for WORD what my W has said to me.
I don't mean to be tripe, but my W wanted a breast enhancement, tattoo, dramatically different wardrobe, new body (compliments of YMCA, good for her,) Sports car, less child responsibility, etc.
ANyway, my roundabout point was (now that I'm done griping about my W,) that this truly is NOT about your percieved shortcomings.
Sure, you probably weren't perfect, (even if you do have an igloo and a pet moose,) but really, this is truly about their issues.
Yours chose the alternative lifestyle, possibly with some of the above items added in, but still, it seems that the whole escapism aspect is in effect.
Both chose the OP route.
It will never be enough to escape, to recapture whatever.
BTW, I'm not much af a "sew the red A on her dress" kind of guy, but this This fiend would have you believe that she is very religious however she cheats on her boy friends, claims that W was right to leave because "you have to go where your heart is" and "Life is too short to be unhappy"
sends me over the top. What a bunch of immature self serving crap.
Actually, as one of my friends just came down with her second bout with breast cancer, I'd like to say "life is too short to waste it fooling around when you have children to love."
I'm sorry that you are still here man, but your strength is an inspiration to the rest of us.
I've had to spend a lot of time reflecting on this and trying to figure out what is really going on.
Sorry my man, but I just don't think that you are at fault here. Based on what she has said, you could have been perfect, and this would still have happened. I'm totally not criticizing, if I spent 1/100th as much time doing something constructive as I do wondering where I went wrong, I could have built a pyramid by now. It's natural for us, but it's also just what they are doing, not what we did.
Heck, anyone with an igloo and a pet Moose is pretty near perfect.
Stay strong.
These are my friends now!
But someday baby... You ain't worry my life anymore
Take away, take away what I don't need, save the good part please. Fade away, fade away.
Punk, I know exactly what you are saying, but if helps to stay focused when you are reminded now and them.
Realizing that this is not about you is one of the most important things to understand in this. It makes unconditional love and stnading easier as well as helping with our self respect.
However, knowing this should not be at the expense of taking the time to better ourselves. I have learned so much about Rs since I have been here. I have read about 25 books on the subject. (although, I have not read Love Must Be Tough, so I'll have to pick that up) I become physically healthier and financially stronger (although losing the second income and having to pay for the igloo by myself really hurts the wallet). Without this period in my live I don't know if I would have learned these things. When my W wakes up and returns I am better equiped to be a better husband and father. I guess the simplest way to say it is that I have matured in the last year and I have learned a lot about responsibility.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Imageer, However, knowing this should not be at the expense of taking the time to better ourselves.
You're very right about that. I, (many of us,) had a hand in getting here... There is no better time to learn about ourselves, and what went on / wrong.
I have learned so much about Rs since I have been here. I have read about 25 books on the subject.
I'm only at 9, although I have learned much about me, and some about her. What I have learned about me is very helpful, what I have learned about her, not a lot I can do about. I know that I am in position where I have a lot of growing to do in myself.
I know one thing from these readings, I am very tired of the late situation. It is not good for me. It will change with the D, so I am not in a hurry to push things, but this is getting harder to deal with for me.
although losing the second income and having to pay for the igloo by myself really hurts the wallet
This part of my sitch has my utmost attention. I am very nervous about this part.
Anyway, Dobson's book "love must be tough," is a very good book, and for me it is especially important b/c he outlines their rationalizations / excuses, and my W hit each one VERBATIM. (Yes, I am NOT crazy.)
THe reason that this is important to me is that on a daily basis, I waffle between understanding that this is a personality conflict for HER to deal with, and thinking that I am at fault for the marital failure. (why can't our minds deal with "shared responsibility", and not her fault / my fault?)
Anyway, I am nearly through the book, and so far I recommend it strongly. It is not as easy to read as DB/DR, but it makes a lot of sense.
Stay strong my man, and put another coat of ice on that igloo, things are about to melt here. (of course it'll be just in time to screw up my hunting this weekend.)
These are my friends now!
But someday baby... You ain't worry my life anymore
Take away, take away what I don't need, save the good part please. Fade away, fade away.
I like Dobson's book and don't disagree with it completely but parts of it. While I think it is important to draw the line at some point, it gives no room for really allowing the spouse to come back if they are prone to being too proud or embarassed to admit they were wrong.
I actually used a modification of the letter, letting her go.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
MMF, I too like most of the book, but I am not sure about the "ultimatum" part of it as it would apply to my sitch now. I think that in clear cut stereotypical cases it might be what the Dr ordered, (pun intended,) but not necessarily for my sitch, now that I have let things go this long....
What I really liked about the book was the idea of mutual respect, and that a line should be drawn for that. In this vein, I liked the idea of creating an atmosphere of self respect, regardless of the spouse. This is what I failed to do for a long time, letting her issues drive the marriage.
That has been missing from my marriage since the first time that the IDLYA / OM sitch was announced. At this point, I don't know that "drawing a line" would be productive, but I think that if I had read and internalized this book 3 years ago, I could have made a better impact.
I wish that I had read this book 3 years ago.
Last edited by Punktmann; 01/06/0805:57 AM.
These are my friends now!
But someday baby... You ain't worry my life anymore
Take away, take away what I don't need, save the good part please. Fade away, fade away.
I like Dobson's book and don't disagree with it completely but parts of it. While I think it is important to draw the line at some point, it gives no room for really allowing the spouse to come back if they are prone to being too proud or embarassed to admit they were wrong.
I agree with your comments about "Love Must Be Tough". This was one of the first books I read. I didn't apply the techniques in my case because there was no OW in my case and I am pretty sure that giving my H an ultimatum would have only brought on a D and very quickly.
