NYS,

Funny, a couple of weeks ago I thought of you and wondered if you'd finally moved on from your X. Now I have an answer. Sounds like you had a couple of hills left on the roller coaster \:\) Im glad the time and space allowed you to see your X for who she is and you maintained your senses. I remember you predicting she'd open that door someday.

I thought your post had some good insight for DBers who don't understand how long the road can be and how the WAS mind works sometimes. I'll say though that all WAS are not like your X and all situations don't/won't turn out as your did. Mine didn't.

I don't pace when H isn't home on time and I don't worry about him straying again. It's not that I don't think it could never happen, it's more that I'm sure it could happen - to anyone and I refuse to live my life in fear of that future. I can happen with me, him, or in any R at any given time. There are no guarantees.

I also have to say that someone who cheats is not doomed to repeat that mistake. Sure, they might be someone who gets unhappy and looks for greener pasture, but that doesn't have to be a continuing cycle for anyone. It's very possible for someone to confront their unhappiness and the problems in the M and change.

You say we don't hear a lot of success stories, but I guess that depends on what you count as success. If you mean people who have DB'd and saved their M, then there are quite a few. If you mean couples who are reconciled and problem free, then you'd most likely be correct. After three years of DBing I'd say that H and I are a success. Do we stil have issues? Sure we do. I've learned that marriages and the men and women in them are works in progress. We never reach perfect. I'm sure that H and I will experience hurt and disappointment with each other in the future. I'm also sure that we're prepared to deal with it together. If we had NOT had DB in our life and simply moved on, I honestly don't know if either of us would have learned the skills we need to have a healthy R with anyone. And that's what it really takes to have a good R - skills. Most people married the person they thought was their perfect match, and most were faithful. You can start over and hope you pick better sure, but it will still take maintaining a sense of self, communication, and doing what words to make the R work.

My advice (having been here and successfully pieced) would be for new DBers to learn as much as they can about themselves and having a healthy R. Work on themselves and examine their M to gain insight on what went wrong/what works for as long as they want to stick with it. When/if they decide to move on they'll be much better off because of DB and they'll also understand a lot more about Rs before they get into another one. If the WAS recommits then it's going to take both people piecing and working on the M for it to be a success in the long run. If not, then the cycle could repeat, especially if the WAS isn't willing to do some soul searching regarding their infidelity. All Ms take two people who are committed to working on the R and understanding that problems have to be dealt with. A WAS that doesn't become part of the self improvement and reconciliation process at some point could very well walk again.

Good to hear from you NYS. Hope life is being good to you \:\)

Sheila