Frank, I am so sorry that you are suffering. I have dealt with anxiety/panic previously but not to the extent that you are describing. I have used/abused alcohol. I have engaged in talk therapy and I have used prescriptive remedies. Nothing really interrupted the pattern except "mindfulness" as described in the Buddhist tradition.
It is not religion. It is a sort of scientific practice that interrupts the adrenalin flow and gradually changes your mind set. It is the wisdom of the ages, applied to our modern struggles. "The Art of Happiness" written by a therapist with the Dalai Lama helped me repair my instant over-reactions to stress and fear about what might happen. It helped with the grief of loss, too. Jon Kat-Zinn has written usefully on this topic. If you feel as terrible as it seems, please consider this avenue.
In any event, please consider that you are well loved and appreciated in this context and I am certain otherwise as well. You have been generous beyond belief to desperate people who come to this forum for reassurance and distractions. I have always appreciated your candor about drinking and your perspective on AA. Really, relax and be kind to yourself.
Get a bad dog and take long walks. That is helpful meditation as well. Physical exhaustion interferes with anxious habits. I know you will be okay. I really do think so.
