Insight from a LBS - almost four years after

[Michael Mc C]

NYS - I appreciate your insight, you've been down this road longer and have gone farther than me. I believe that if my wife turned around and wanted to work things out between us that this would be where the full extent of the trauma would be realized. At this point my focus is the preservation of my family and the hope that my wife will "come to her senses" before she crosses any lines that I would find nearly impossible to forgive. I want to stop the bleeding, not heal the wounds.

I do not share the same outlook that you have but that may simply be due to my newness to this (4 months yesterday). I believe that trust can be restored over time. I know it would take a lot of work and my wife would possibly need to jump through hoops over the next couple of years just to prove her integrity.

I know this woman. Regardless of what has happened I know who she is at her core. This is not her. I won't simplify it by saying she is an alien but I will say that the dynamics of a marriage can be very trying. Throw in some kids, outside pressures (school, work, finances) and things become volatile. We do not all share the same traits and beliefs. I am one to fight for what I believe is right. Sadly my wife runs from adversity.

Her fleeing nature is something that would need to change. I know that I cannot change this instinctual response in my wife but hopefully with love and support she will see that standing up and facing your fears, your feelings of inadequacy and doubts is far more rewarding than burying them and attempting to move on.

I am not naive. I do not expect that the moment my wife shows a change of heart all will be well again. Do I think that she can do this to me again? Yes I do. I have learned, however, through the stories of others and through my own evaluation of self how to better identify and manage marital issues.

Will I be able to keep things from going bad again? No, not on my own. I am hopeful that through my efforts and through my understanding that I will be able to guide my wife (Lord knows I can't force it down her throat) to better communication and to the better handling of issues that may arise.

There is no part of me that feels that I will succeed in preserving my marriage and building a stronger relationship. I do, however, believe without a doubt that this is a possibility.