The New Adventures of Supermom...Part 3

[lizzy]

Wow, Jenny. Sorry H is being a jerk yet again. I agree w/ you about him making the choices. It is amazing how he respected you wanting to wait until after the holidays and BANG let me drop the bomb again. I'm sure I am biased as I too am the victim of a WAS, but your's has really shown qualities of the lowest of low lifes.

I think it is great how well Brit and W coparent, but they are what I think probably not the norm. Each sitch really needs to be looked at seperately. I do agree w/ your H that you need to do what is best for the kids. I however don't think that is spending so much time w/ your H and his winner of an OW. She has already shown that she can't provide stability. I wonder if she is as interested in spending as much time w/ your kids has your H is. I am guessing this may place some strain on their lovelife.

[blindsided1]

Just checking in to see how you're doing. Hope you're well.

I hear you on this Brit. But I am having a REALLY hard time accepting that I am going to lose this much time with my children when he is the one who started an A a month before he got me pregnant and then left me at 8 months. He was not thinking of the kids best interest when he made all of these decisions...and I believe he is only thinking of his own best interest now. He SHOULD feel that he has less time than with them than me because this is solely his choice.

I think it'll become pretty clear, even with defined custody who is most involved in their kids lives. I'm lucky - My R with W is good, and we're probably going to end up living within a mile of each other eventually.

The consequenses of his actions include less time and in turn less of a bond with his kids. Why should I have to face losing and not building those relationships with my kids when this is his wrongdoing? Again, I may feel differently if he'd actually given us the chance to work on the R...but he left his family without trying. As I said, then it would feel more mutual. He gave up our family's chance of togetherness on his own.

I agree - It is one thing leaving us; it's something else entirely leaving the family. I wouldn't think of it as you losing time with your kids. You DO need time to yourself, and it's important that you have a life outside of your children. I find my time with D is spent far more effectively when I know I'll have a period of time without her - Not because I don't want her around, but because I need to be able to do things on my own.

Please don't think I'm coming back at your comments negatively. I appreciate them a lot because it is helping me work through my thoughts. He will bring up these points when we talk tomorrow and I want to feel justified in my responses.
Thanks for the input Brit.

As Lizzy said, my own experience of parenting with my WAS is more than likely the exception, rather than the norm. My advice is probably close to worthless

[lizzy]

As Lizzy said, my own experience of parenting with my WAS is more than likely the exception, rather than the norm. My advice is probably close to worthless

Let it hereby be known that Brit's advice is very valuable.

[JennyF]

First of all...Lizzy I second that regarding Brit's advice!

As Lizzy said, my own experience of parenting with my WAS is more than likely the exception, rather than the norm. My advice is probably close to worthless

Brit...not even close. You always give me something to think about and the male opinion is always helpful too. I am so grateful for your thoughts.

I agree - It is one thing leaving us; it's something else entirely leaving the family.

In the middle of our custody conversation yesterday H actually said to me, "I left YOU, I didn't leave them [kids]". He does not perceive that he left his family because he doesn't see himself as abandoning his kids. His perception of himself and what he's done is SO distorted.

I wouldn't think of it as you losing time with your kids. You DO need time to yourself, and it's important that you have a life outside of your children.

This is good advice Brit and you're right. I still have "the just gave birth a few months ago" attachment thing going. I feel a real strong motherly instinct to hold them close to me and not let them go. Especially my S because of the circumstances under which he not only got me pregnant, but the way he treated me through my whole pregnancy. He wasn't concerned for S then....and I'm just supposed to hand him over to Daddy dearest? Feels so unnatural.
Having said that I do not want to keep my kids from their Dad. Not at all. And I do need time to myself. But it's accepting the reality of that time truly being alone. I know I know...GAL. I'm working on it.

Thanks again Brit!
J~

[JennyF]

OK....so here is what happened yesterday.

H came by to discuss the weeks arrangements with the kids and we both knew this was going to lead to "custody" talks.
We have an odd sitch because of the newborn. There is kind of short term plans, long short term...and then long term plans needed. Not that we're trying to come up with it all at once...let's just say we're in negotiations.

So he starts with how he sees the schedule going for this week. It has him taking D overnight at his Mom's for 2 nights.
It my sincere opinion that children should not be bounced back and forth between houses during the week. I believe routine is absolutely necessary and that consistency is extremely important especially given that D is only 3 (well...in a month she is).
That is first and foremost my greatest concern. Secondary to that is that I don't deserve given the circumstances to have my children away from me that much of the time. I didn't have a choice in this at all.
He does not agree. Not one bit. He believes the routine is what exists between us and it doesn't matter where they are or who they're with.

So long story short we could not come to an agreement. So he starts throwing the legal crap at me. "My lawyer this and my lawyer that". He was going on and on about all that he is doing. Funny thing is...when I asked exactly what is he was doing all he could come up with was that he shovels my snow. That's it. B@$!ARD can't even take my garbage out anymore.
Then he tried to tell me that he's going over and above what he has to do financially (according to the lawyer). I'm on Mat leave making 1/3 of my salary and he thinks he deserves a medal for this?
His perception of himself is so distorted. He doesn't even see how badly he's treated over the last year. Really, he looked surprised when I mentioned it!!

Now I was good. Better I thought I would be. I stood my ground. I listened to him...really well. I validated. Possibly for the first time I really did validate.
I think what I did by standing my ground was doing a 180 for me. I usually given in or find a middle ground, but not this time. And he is mad. And I don't care. YEAH! I don't care!!!

There was a lot that was said and I won't go on and on.
But I have to say that I truly believe that I am a point where I let go. I mean really let go. It is so over in his eyes there is absolutely nothing I can do or say right now. If there is a chance for us...it is a long long way away. Truth is, I don't want anything to do with the guy he is right now and I'm just ashamed he's the father of my kids. I don't want this to get dirty and THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD TO ME IS MY KIDS! So I am not budging on what I believe is right for them. NO WAY. He has not shown himself to be capable of making appropriate decisions up until this point, what makes me think he is going to be thinking straight about this one?

I've read all I can on MLC and the 6 stages. H has been SO scripted up to this point it is truly scary. He is in replay and is so deep in the tunnel it's going take an earth quake to awaken him. I still feel deep in my heart that the real H is in there somewhere and that he will surface in time. I've always believed that my heart is God's way of talking to me...so that is what gives me hope.
Truly letting go right now is liberating and sad at the same time. And I know I will have my ups and downs (it is a rollercoaster). But I suppose my question is....is it possible that some people truly do permanently change this way forever? Could he stay in the tunnel forever?? I ask this not only for the sake of marriage...but mostly for the sake of my kids. I don't want to believe that this is there father for the rest of their life. He is a good man and a good father and I want them to know that. Not some day have to learn what he's done and that he never looked within himself to correct it. That will be so sad.
I'm not saying I will wait forever...I won't. I'm not a 'stander' that way. But I've got a year left in me at least...depending on how much worse he gets.


ANYWAY...I digress!
So when H left he was pretty ticked off. He's taking her tonight overnight, but not the other night he wanted.
He barked a schedule at me for the rest of the week and I said ok. He said he was taking D out for dinner on Thurs. Then I asked when he would come to see S? He said "I don't know, I'll figure it out". So I said, "Fine, you can bring D here for dinner on Wed. I'll leave for a couple hours and you have them both here at the house." He said ok.
I'm dying to see how he manages with both of them.
I'm sad to leave my S...but I have to take these baby steps. He'll be fine, I'll feed him right before I leave.

So I feel ok about it. Not from a DB'ing perspective, I know this has angered him and pushed him away further. But let's face it...in his eyes right, it is so over he couldn't get any further away.
I think I'm at the Last Last Resort Technique!
Thanks to all who stayed to read this long babble!
J~

[kml]

Now - make SURE on that night that when he comes over, you are dressed up as if for a date - perfume, hair, etc. As soon as he gets there, kiss the kids and scoot out the door - be mysterious about where you're going ("meeting a friend").

And when you come home, be happy and "up" as if you'd been out having a blast.

As for the custody stuff - try not to let it turn into a huge fight. Don't be a doormat but try to minimize conflicts. He's looking for fights to pick with you to justify his bad behavior ("see how unreasonable she is?"). Don't give him the ammo.

Oh - and if he has an attorney, you need to see one too. At least find out what your rights are.

Ellie

[lizzy]

Ellie's idea about dressing up is a great one. I didn't let H know my plans yesterday and although he didn't say anything, I think it got him thinking.

As for the legal stuff...I know you have talked to a lawyer already. Sounds like it is time to retain one. From a legal standpoint, I would think that your H didn't only abandon you but also the kids. He can call it what he wants, but the law may see it differently. I think he gave up some power when he choose to move out.

I also agree w/ Ellie that you should create conflict. On the other hand, I'm very proud of you for standing up for yourself. I didn't notice you mention any tears. Great progress Supermom! Once again you rock!

In the middle of our custody conversation yesterday H actually said to me, "I left YOU, I didn't leave them [kids]". He does not perceive that he left his family because he doesn't see himself as abandoning his kids. His perception of himself and what he's done is SO distorted.

I agree - He *IS* trying to make some sort of effort with the kids, so at least give him some credit for that. It's not perfect, and it doesn't make everything else justified, but it is better than nothing.

This is good advice Brit and you're right. I still have "the just gave birth a few months ago" attachment thing going. I feel a real strong motherly instinct to hold them close to me and not let them go.

That all makes sense - My own opinion is that you're clinging to your kids because you're afraid. I know that sounds harsh, but you can't replace your spouse with your kids - It's not fair on them. A lot of my W's problems stem from her Mom pushing so much onto her when she was a kid because her dad worked away so much.

But it's accepting the reality of that time truly being alone.

Sounds like you agree with me.

[blindsided1]

Just checking in on you. You've been MIA for the last couple days. Hope all is well. Just wondering how the week has been going. Is H still angry, how did that pan out? Just wanted to make sure you were okay.