Question about MLC and MLC'ers desire to help

[mymonkeybug]

OK after being here for a couple weeks now and getting one of Michelle's books and reading my ars off I have come to the realization that my WAS is doing the MLC and probably a bit of depression also.

Now my questions are as follows:

He wants to still be called whenever I need something for instance an oil change or hauling of fire wood or fixing things around the house, even when I need him to talk to the kids when I am having trouble handling their breakdowns over him leaving(S8 and D5). He also wants to be involved still in parent teacher conferences and field trips and all that happy family stuff like wrestling tournaments-he suggested we ride to them together and wants to come here every night to put the kids to bed. The kids going to bed I told him I simply couldn't allow because I felt it would be giving them false hope and that I couldn't handle feeling my heart break in rewind every night when he leaves out the door again. And since I haven't let him come to put them to bed, he has developed more of a social life so did it backfire on me? Did I wind up giving him the freedom he needed to get OW or whatever he may or may not be doing? So do I allow him to still be this involved and do all these things and call him for everything he wants me to although he choose to walk out on us and swears he is happier being away and ILYBNILWY?

Also, should we write up a parenting agreement? He has agreed to doing it and swears he will still pay ALL bills as he has with his income since I just now went back to work part time a couple months ago now that both kids are in school all day. I worry that he may at any point go back on his word and wipe out the bank account or cancel my card, etc...then how do I pay the mortgage and the electricity, and the other household expenses. Family keeps telling me to hire an attorney and file for seperation but in my opinion that would be rocking the boat and I don't want to do that if things are fairly civil between us so far.

And how the hell do I stop myself from calling him and texting him to talk about this situation? All I want to do is talk to him about it as if I am trying to guilt him into coming home. I know wrong thing to do. I need to call someone else when the urge strikes me to call him...lol. It would probably work. I even sent him a text tonight asking him if we could sleep together just one last time and of course his reply was no. Talk about crushing, of course not any more so than anything else he has said and done these last couple weeks.

Thanks for your opinions!!!

[mishka422]

Monkeybug -

Your story is so eerily similar to mine it's scary! Stay strong! Do not call him, text him, don't cry in front of him unless he is spilling his guts to you and wants you to do the same.....honestly.

I understand the pain of the WAH rejection. It's exquisite and enormous but you will get through this.

If your husband has vowed to keep up with paying the bills then do not freak out about it until he proves otherwise. I had the same panic attack and opened my own checking account (which really isn't a bad idea anyway) and got the joint credit card back from him (he actually voluntarily gave it up when I showed him the balance). He too said he would still help with everything I needed, taking my mom back and forth to dialysis, S13 to karate, oil changes, heavy lifting, you name it. Knowing my husband the way I do I had to tell him that was fine but know in my head that I wasn't going to ask him to do anything at all unless he contacted me first about it.

You have to let him make the first moves back toward you otherwise he will run for the hills and become more beligerent. When you see him, DO NOT HOVER around him even though that is your first instinct (I'm wrestling with this right now as MLCWAH just moved back in to the house and is a mopey, crying mess). I can tell you though, be careful in phone conversations with them. I found out today that my H thought I was being cold and aloof on the phone with him and decided in his warped little MLC mind that I had moved on and found someone else. Oh yeah, some else would want this weepy, pitiful, mess of a woman I have become.

When he is ready to break down and talk to you (with no prompting from you) he will pour out all sorts of things to you that you will think are complete rubbish but just listen, nod and agree. Then, if you have grievances in your M and you feel comfortable with his attitude at the moment, AIR THEM. My H was totally receptive to what I was saying I was dissatisfied with in our M and seemed genuinely mystified that I was not completely content.

We're struggling really hard right now. My H filed for D yesterday morning and came to pick up S13 last night to go to a movie. I asked for the garage door opener and keys back since he decided to leave and he broke down and let it all flow.....for 2 hours.....and so did I. He moved back in today (without me asking him, he did it on his own) and we have agreed to work really hard for 2 months and reevaluate. My H is NOT a reader and doesn't believe in any self-help books so getting him to read Michele's books is not an option. That's ok though.....USE THEM and use these boards. These people are complete Godsends. They are a wealth of knowledge and support. Don't ever take anything said here personally, take it for what it is....tough love.

Hugs to you monkeybug and to your kids. I'll be praying for your family.

[w8ing]

I'm sorry you are here. And I am so sorry that you and your children are in pain.

I don't necessarily have answers to your questions, but wanted to relay something to you based on my own experience.

My H was also going to take care of us. At the beginning, right after the speech, said I could have the home, our rental property, anything I wanted just so I wouldn't hate him.

I did nothing so I wouldn't rock the boat....thinking of course that H would take care of me and the kids. Our relationship is "friendly" - only one occassion of spewing.

That was six months ago. One month ago he handed me a proposed property settlement. It wasn't anywhere close to what he said at the beginning.

A friend of mine who is a divorce lawyer told me to settle the financial stuff quickly. She said that, as the guilt eases, so does the generosity. I regret not having him put his words on paper at the beginning. It will now be a fight.

Just because you take care of yourself financially doesn't mean that you need to stop standing, if that is what you are doing. It just means that you are protecting yourself and your children. The money side of this is the business side. It has to remain separate from DBing.

I would also keep the parental agreement separate from the financial stuff so it doesn't appear that the kids are being used as pawns for more money, etc. Do you think that custody will be an issue?

As far as trying to stop calling him and communicating with him...come here instead when you feel the need to talk to him. Or write him a letter and throw it away and don't mail it. But talking to him now will just push him away. It will do the exact opposite of what you want to happen.

Be still. Concentrate on your children now. Concentrate on you right now.

Take care! Hugs!

[2ndnoah]

I am thrilled your hubby moved home. Mine has been gone 3+ months. Tough day today.....hubby said he is never coming home. No progress made during this time. I have begged, reasoned, logic, explained, promised, etc. Didn't work. Doesn't work. Maybe I should try the tough love way. I have been the nicest, sweetest spouse during all this. Not a harsh word spoken. He is MLC (textbook) and has a girlfriend but denies it and will go to his grave before admitting it. He walked out 3+ months ago and has never turned back. Has not changed, is angry and sad. Wants to yell at me when he sees me which he only sees me maybe 1X a month. Just lately, a couple of times he has confronted our S19 as to why he will not talk to him and have nothing to do with him. S19 told him he has nothing to say to him, and that he is the one that left. S15 is getting the same attitude towards H. Sad! Should I file for D? and do this tough love thing??? he continues to deposit his check. I pay the bills, etc. only thing that has changed is he is not around. My boys were very close to him. We were a "beaver cleaver" family. Greatly involved in our boys lives, community, etc. He now is gone. I miss him and am so crushed as well as my boys.

[elocin777]

Monkeybug your story sounds almost identical to mine except. I am having such a hard time not calling or text and ended up w H lastnight. Only to look at his phone and notice OW whom he seems very interested in. Big mistake on my part- you don't want to sleep with him one last time it just makes things harder to let go. My H left in Sept. and I still can't let go. I agree it would be nice to pick up phone and call someone when urge is so intense. I've been posting alot-it definitely helps but this is the hardest thing I've had to go thru. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Good luck....

[elocin777]

I also agree with w8ing my husband also said he would take care of everything until I finish school -4 months later he is realizing he can't afford 2 separate households and now wants me to give me a limited income because he should not have to live his life this way. Be careful:)

[peacetoday]

M
I think every sitch is different
My H said he will take care of us and has dont that this past year
but I too wonder how much longer he will do it
I have seen a lawyer and the first time H doesnt follow thru i will go back
so if you can seek counseling by an attorney
you can get information without H knowing then if H doesnt pay you already have a plan of action
peace

[peacetoday]

I meant to say he has done that
peace

[darkestangel]

The day that my H dropped the bomb, after I cleared my head I went straight to the bank and opened a separate checking account. He transfers some money into my account every week, which helps. It's less than maybe 40% of what he makes, but since he's been skipping work to go play with OW, he hasn't been bringing in much money.

We balances transferred all of our credit cards down to 2- one in his name, one in my name. H is very irresponsible with money and paying bills, I took care of all the finances in our marriage. The car is in his name (I'm buying my own this week), and I know he missed last month's payment.

H goes back and forth between "I'll give you $$ and help you anyway I can", to "Why do I have to pay through my nose for you?" Just take care of your own business and let the WAS drown themselves w/ their teenage mentality

[MidwesternGirl]

When it involves kids, let him get involved because you do not want to turn him away from the kids and against you.

If he pays for things, that is wonderful.

I would not get into signing this and that unless you encounter a huge problem. Some men seem to look at contracts as someone who wants to control them.

My H is still paying and it has been almost two years since he has been gone and we are not legally separated or seeking a divorce.

Of course, I am talking as someone who has not had a problem with H paying the bills on time. He has always been very prompt with paying and even goes above and beyond.