Insight from a LBS - almost four years after

[NYsurvivor]

Turns out, this is how it turns out.

Last time I posted was one year and four months ago!

I thought I'd come back because over the last year I think I've gotten a lot of insight into these situations, and wanted to share what I wish I would've known back when I was in your shoes as the LBS. You may not want to hear it though.

My ex, the WAW, had contacted me back early last year about how much she missed me. So much, she said, that it hurt! She was still living with the OM, since spring '04. But I didn't pay any heed to her. Over time, you see, I was paying no attention to her contacting me because continued contact with a WAS slows down your healing process and can cause the renewed pain of relapses in your progress.

A couple of months after that, I got an apology for her betrayal! Sounded like she had regrets over her past choices now. Curiosity got the better of me, I admit, and I returned her call. On the phone, happy to hear from me, she started going down memory lane and reminding me of what good times we had and wanted to visit with me, spend a day together.

Many of you would probably say at this point, "Bravo!" and look at me with envy or joy, wishing your walk-aways would make such overtures. But I have to tell you, that would be a mistake.

Yes. At the very moment that I realized what I was hearing could very well have been the turning around of my WAS, the beginning of her coming back, something which you all would love to attain, something clicked in my head as she spoke. "Why", I asked myself, "would she be interested in me when she's been with this other guy for three years? And what kind of woman calls her ex husband to tell him she 'misses him so much that it hurts', while she's living with her man?"

It came to me that she was maybe now setting me up to be the eventual OM.

It's not about realizing that she really loved me, or realizing she really had feelings for me. That's self-delusional thinking, for when are those feelings fostered? She wanted away from me a few years ago! Then, in the arms of her new man all this time, she's growing feelings for me? I doubt it!

I'd say it's more like, it turned out that the grass isn't greener; she's not happy there; wants to bail; looking where to land. Just like when she wasn't happy here; looking to bail; wanted to find a place to land.

You see, a person who cheats is a person of low integrity. She did it to me, now she was doing something like that to him.

That leopard didn't change her spots any.

There's no way you want a person like that back in your life. You can't make it really work again and that's because it's beyond DBing.

DB are strategies to use when your relationship starts to fade, to correct its course, not to revive it after it's way gone, as in the case of an affair.

Once that trust is broken, you can never trust that person again. Oh, you may think you can, and your pastor may say you can, and so may your marriage counselor, but if you think you can, it's only by fooling yourself.

The day the moment comes when the ex-WAS is late coming home from work, or the phone rings and some one hangs up when you answer, or they're taking just a little bit too long with their trip out to the grocery store, or they say something out of the ordinary that makes you go "huh?" or any little out of place thing that registers in your gut, what do you think is going to flood your mind? How are you going to feel? It may be innocent, but what happens if it's another A? And when I used to read the reconciliation threads, that's what I'd see much of: repeat offenders.

The odds of reconciliation working out... You wonder why you don't hear of many success stories, it's because there aren't many. The few that there are, they have to learn to live with the fault line always there, the giant elephant in the room that can't be mentioned. That is not the greatest relationship to have. Do you really want to live that way, just to have back the person that could care so less about you that they betrayed you? When the WASs come back, those few that do, is it because they truly love you, or is it because they got shafted in their pursuit of happiness elsewhere? Is it really better to be with a person like that than to be alone?

Better and easier to start with a clean slate, make better choices in partners, and conduct yourself better in the relationship, not repeating mistakes - and don't give up everything you are to someone else.

This is why I decided to come back and tell you these things, from one who has been where you are.

[kaycie]

WOW I don't know how I feel after reading your post because it sound like very common sense, but I am sure you remember years back when you felt like it could be better regardless what had happened. I am happy to see your strength and I hope that I find peace on either side of the road... together or apart as it seems that you have found. it must be nice to feel peace and know what is best for you. I wish I knew what was best for me and my 4 kids... I guess at least from reading your post that ONE DAY I WILL know...

[Michael Mc C]

NYS - I appreciate your insight, you've been down this road longer and have gone farther than me. I believe that if my wife turned around and wanted to work things out between us that this would be where the full extent of the trauma would be realized. At this point my focus is the preservation of my family and the hope that my wife will "come to her senses" before she crosses any lines that I would find nearly impossible to forgive. I want to stop the bleeding, not heal the wounds.

I do not share the same outlook that you have but that may simply be due to my newness to this (4 months yesterday). I believe that trust can be restored over time. I know it would take a lot of work and my wife would possibly need to jump through hoops over the next couple of years just to prove her integrity.

I know this woman. Regardless of what has happened I know who she is at her core. This is not her. I won't simplify it by saying she is an alien but I will say that the dynamics of a marriage can be very trying. Throw in some kids, outside pressures (school, work, finances) and things become volatile. We do not all share the same traits and beliefs. I am one to fight for what I believe is right. Sadly my wife runs from adversity.

Her fleeing nature is something that would need to change. I know that I cannot change this instinctual response in my wife but hopefully with love and support she will see that standing up and facing your fears, your feelings of inadequacy and doubts is far more rewarding than burying them and attempting to move on.

I am not naive. I do not expect that the moment my wife shows a change of heart all will be well again. Do I think that she can do this to me again? Yes I do. I have learned, however, through the stories of others and through my own evaluation of self how to better identify and manage marital issues.

Will I be able to keep things from going bad again? No, not on my own. I am hopeful that through my efforts and through my understanding that I will be able to guide my wife (Lord knows I can't force it down her throat) to better communication and to the better handling of issues that may arise.

There is no part of me that feels that I will succeed in preserving my marriage and building a stronger relationship. I do, however, believe without a doubt that this is a possibility.

[fooled again]

NYS,

Oh I shouldn't have read your post today. Today I am feeling disillusioned. Today I am feeling as though I am still the same fool I was 3 mos ago, 5 mos ago, 1.5 yrs ago. Today my "spider senses" are tingling.

But what do you do when you have embarked on DBing? I ask myself this question nearly daily: what do I do if he is still seeing OW? Am I still willing to fight, or will I give up THIS TIME. But then, when I think more, I realize that DBing gets us to a place where we are okay w/ ourselves, stronger, more self-confident, better able to look at our sitch and evaluate it, make sure it is working for us. And if our Ss don't come back ever, we have nevertheless come a long way personally. You really can't lose by DBing.

It's the difference between HOPING that things will get better in our M's and MAKING things better in our lives. I believe that I can get to where if I find out he's at it again, I will dust myself off, and truly move on with my life knowing I did everything could.

Thank you for your thoughts and I hope that you have been able to get to that place these past few years.

FA

[SweetRedd]

NYS,

Funny, a couple of weeks ago I thought of you and wondered if you'd finally moved on from your X. Now I have an answer. Sounds like you had a couple of hills left on the roller coaster Im glad the time and space allowed you to see your X for who she is and you maintained your senses. I remember you predicting she'd open that door someday.

I thought your post had some good insight for DBers who don't understand how long the road can be and how the WAS mind works sometimes. I'll say though that all WAS are not like your X and all situations don't/won't turn out as your did. Mine didn't.

I don't pace when H isn't home on time and I don't worry about him straying again. It's not that I don't think it could never happen, it's more that I'm sure it could happen - to anyone and I refuse to live my life in fear of that future. I can happen with me, him, or in any R at any given time. There are no guarantees.

I also have to say that someone who cheats is not doomed to repeat that mistake. Sure, they might be someone who gets unhappy and looks for greener pasture, but that doesn't have to be a continuing cycle for anyone. It's very possible for someone to confront their unhappiness and the problems in the M and change.

You say we don't hear a lot of success stories, but I guess that depends on what you count as success. If you mean people who have DB'd and saved their M, then there are quite a few. If you mean couples who are reconciled and problem free, then you'd most likely be correct. After three years of DBing I'd say that H and I are a success. Do we stil have issues? Sure we do. I've learned that marriages and the men and women in them are works in progress. We never reach perfect. I'm sure that H and I will experience hurt and disappointment with each other in the future. I'm also sure that we're prepared to deal with it together. If we had NOT had DB in our life and simply moved on, I honestly don't know if either of us would have learned the skills we need to have a healthy R with anyone. And that's what it really takes to have a good R - skills. Most people married the person they thought was their perfect match, and most were faithful. You can start over and hope you pick better sure, but it will still take maintaining a sense of self, communication, and doing what words to make the R work.

My advice (having been here and successfully pieced) would be for new DBers to learn as much as they can about themselves and having a healthy R. Work on themselves and examine their M to gain insight on what went wrong/what works for as long as they want to stick with it. When/if they decide to move on they'll be much better off because of DB and they'll also understand a lot more about Rs before they get into another one. If the WAS recommits then it's going to take both people piecing and working on the M for it to be a success in the long run. If not, then the cycle could repeat, especially if the WAS isn't willing to do some soul searching regarding their infidelity. All Ms take two people who are committed to working on the R and understanding that problems have to be dealt with. A WAS that doesn't become part of the self improvement and reconciliation process at some point could very well walk again.

Good to hear from you NYS. Hope life is being good to you

Sheila