Mopsey, People suffering from major depression can be frozen for a long period of time. It's going to take medication and many visits to the therapist before changes will be seen. Medication generally has to be taken regularly and takes about a number of weeks to really start kicking in.
I suspect that blood work is being done to check various things w/him, i.e. thyroid, sugar, and hormonal balance, etc. They are trying to locate the problem and it's going to take some time to find the right balance in meds, etc.
Patience is definitely the Rx for you right now. That's why it's important that you keep the focus on you and your children. As for your son and your h not speaking, etc., it's something they will have to work out. It sounds like you h has a lot of guilt and shame that's keeping him from wanting to be there when your son is there. He knows that your son is watching and judging him, even though he may not say it.
I do hope that the holidays were enjoyable for you despite your drop-in being there every so often. Here's hoping that you find some inner peace and can find a way to detach further from his drama in the coming months.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am not quite sure if H is taking his meds right now or not. He hasn't mentinoed them and I really didn't want to ask. He was by for a bit today and I thought to myself that his visits are different now.
He is quiet for the most part. He falls asleep whenever he is here. He used to joke around with me and always make a point to "accidently" brush up against me...not happening right now. Not sure if this is the depression or what.
I did ask him to help fix my vacuum and he did. I was very greatful. He just doesn't seem himself, but part of me doesn't know if it is just around me or what.
Funny thing. Last night when he called me after work he said my friend was in the restaurant. I ask who and once again he said you know you sent her to check on me. When he told me i had to laugh. A friend from work who doesn't know anything about H or the situation but saw the same pic of the kids behind the bar that I have behing my desk. I guess he is thinking or hoping i am checking up on him. Not.
Anyway, I did enjoy the holidays. I have to say I didn't dwell on H or the situation I just stayed in the moment. I just don't know how much more of this I can handle. I don't know if he is biding his time with the D because of the house and being on my insurance or is he is trying to straighten things out. I do know that he has been keeping his weekly counseling appointments and looks forward to them. I just wish I knew if he wanted to come home.
Not sure what's going on with H, but he is acting very strange. He called me thursday at work and we had a brief but nice conversation and he ended it by telling me that he had to go to counseling and he would stop to see d12 but be late. Not problem.
Fast forward to yesterday, H calls me and he sounds very down. When i asked if all was ok he said he was stressed about everything. I asked if there is anything I could do and he said no.
Today he was at the house when I got back from the grocery store. He still was very withdrawn and quiet. At times he looked as though he was going to cry. I asked how his night was and he made a point to say he was home by 11:30 (right after work).
He did take the tree out and vacumed and I thanked him as I have a bad chest cold and was tired from doing just the regular household chores this morning.
He left to go to work, barely saying goodbye.
So, ever since his C appt on thursday, he is even more down than before. Not sure if something happened there or what. Whatever.
Now, here is what I am wondering, should I just leave him be or should I maybe send him a tm after he gets out of work just to see if he is ok. I don't know where his head or heart is but i see such pain in his eyes.
Mopsey, He's down because he's had to start facing some of his issues. The therapist is working with him and may be helping him to figure things out. Depression is still at work here and you have to remember, you can't fix him.
I'm sure you'll be getting a tm sometime in the wee hours of morning. His pattern hasn't changed, so let him be for now. When he does contact you, then ask how he's doing. He's got a lot of work to do on himself before he grows up.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Went to d12's swim meet today. H came. He sat with me. Not many words were spoken. It was as if I wasn't there at times. He did his crossword puzzle and kept to himself.
I know i shouldn't read anything into his behavior but it seems as if he has convinced himself that we will never be together. Like we are seperate and that is how it will be. He is just so distant. There have been no tm's or calls in the middle of the night lately and I feel him pulling away further.
I know I can't fix him but I also don't know if he will ever be "fixed" enough to want to come home. This summer I thought it was possible that he longed for home...now I am not sure.
mopsey, just stopping by to say hello and tell you I know how you feel, again. It's very hard. Just keep focusing on what the future holds for your life, and stay steady with that. It's all we can do.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
You are right this is so hard. Saw H for about 5 minutes tonight. He brought d12 back from orthodontist appt. and then left for counseling. He still seemed distant but not too down.
I have to wonder if it is the C who told him to distance himself from me. Whatever. I know it seems like I am obsessing over this but after months of him trying to get close he is pulling away. I just pray he finds his way.
Mopsey, Distancing is part of the depression. I seriously doubt the therapist would tell him to do so unless he wants to make sure that your h can really step out of your life for good. However, I seriously that he would tell him to do it.
Mopsey, the drawing close and then pulling away is very typical behavior for these guys. Your h is just really getting into the deep depression and that's what happens--they distance themselves for just about everything and everyone that is near and dear to them. They go into hibernation and then one day, they have some sane moments and they poke their heads out of the cave to see what's happening. After a while, they go back into hibernation all over again until they've worked through the depression. That's why it is very important not to over analyze what they say or do. It's never the same way in 10 minutes.
So, let the man go to his cave and one day soon, he'll contact you again for a little while. All I ask is that you live your life to the fullest and be there for your children. Your h will be just fine for the man upstairs is watching over him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Haven't been on much this week. Been keeping busy with the kids. Between swimming, softball, cooking, cleaning and running with them....I am so angry that I am doing it all. H is no help.
I asked God on thursday night before bed to give me a sign to keep standing, and H sent me a TM that night. You were right Snodderly, it was only a matter of time before he poked his head out again. He tm'd on thurs and friday night. Around 11. When I don't immediately answer, he calls. He was stressing about his car and down. Didn't hear from him last night....probably out with MOW.
Today he was disappointed that d12 and I would not be home. He didn't call until after 1 and she was at softball and then we were headed to the library to work on a project. He was off to a work party (or so he says).
Bumped into one of d12's old softball coaches today and mentioned it to her. I told her he lost a lot of weight and looks great. She gave me a funny look and said "even though dad is dating, I don't want you to." I told her the thought never crossed my mind. H must still with the MOW then....whatever.
I wish my H would just hit rock bottom right now....but since he is still in replay ....I guess he has a ways to go. I don't think he is still taking his medication. Intuition i guess...but my gut is usually right. He is supposed to have counseling tomorrow. Whatever.
I have to say that not seeing him this weekend has been good. It was so good to just be with my kids and not dealing with him. I shouldn't speak to soon...he is like to show up to see d12 tonight.
Snodderly, this summer he seemed like he missed home so much and wanted to be a part of things....but now, I just don't know. He never speaks of the D, the listing of the house has expired (not going to jinx that one...as he may spring that on me soon) and he keeps apologizing for not being here when I need help (i.e....garage door broke again this week...and my neighbor had to help me again.).......so why isn't he making a turn towards home.
Is he keeping both of his options open or is he just in lala land and not realizing that this limbo is so hard on all...especially the kids? Part of me feels so used...while he is out with MOW...then calling me....then with her....It is so hard. I felt this morning like h never loved me. If it was so easy to leave and so hard to come home....than was it all a lie for all of these years?
Mopsey, Your patience tank is running on empty. Step back and refuel yourself. You are trying to analyze your situation and believe it or not, he's in depression. He's got to find himself and a way out of it. It all takes time.
If you remember, you can look at the stages, but no two people are alike in crisis. Each will do different things and yet have similiar behaviors as well. Some move at a faster speed and others poke along. The individual in crisis and the demons he/she is dealing with will determine the length of time they are lost/confused. We can't rush them along. We are now on their time clocks. Life seems to be buzzing along quickly for us, but to them, it's creeping.
I think your h has been moving along at a very slow pace. However, I would rather see a slow pace than a faster one. He's been a tough one to crack and he's fought it along the way, but w/the help of a therapist, he may begin to see some light. You just have to be patient. I know you hate that word, but I will continue to remind you to dig deep for it. You may have an empty tank right now, but it will fill up again very soon.
Was your life w/him a lie? I seriously do not think so. Look around you. You have two beautiful children, a home, a pet and the time you spent w/your h before the switch was flipped was comfortable and meaningful. Never doubt that you have a nice life together. Yes, we all tend to doubt ourselves periodically, but step back and look at all of the things that you two accomplished together. Your answers will lie there.
You must have patience, hope and faith in order to continue on your journey. If you don't feel that you have these three keys, then you need to step back and detach even more from your situation and put the focus back on to you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
