Questions for DBing Men

[fooled again]

To all the men posting in Infidelity,

I read your posts regularly to try to learn more about how men think, b/c I realize that I wasn't able to read my H until it was too late and he started an A. And then for over a year after I found out, I still wasn't able to read him and allowed myself to believe the A was over when all the signs were there telling me it wasn't. Thank you guys, for being able pour out your hearts to each other (in a way I feel like I'm evesdropping when you men are all posting to each other) - I'm learning much.

It's helping me to stay hopeful that many of you are so dedicated to your families and so strong and willing to let your W's burn through the insanity that they have chosen & be there to pick up the pieces, if there are any left by then. Even those of you that say you have given up, I can still hear the tiny sound of hope that lives in your hearts, like Horton (i.e. Dr. Seuss).

I hope that in my H's heart is that same hope for us, that same dedication to me and our family. My suspicions have been raised and trust is a hard thing to regain, but I don't want to detach myself to the point that I don't want him anymore, which point it sounds like some of you have reached.

So, I'm looking to pick the minds of the men on this forum for answers and/or insights you men may have about:

1) How do I detach while having suspicions or knowledge of an ongoing A and still leave the door open to reconciliation? How do I detach while letting him know that I still love him and want to work on my M?

It's something I'm having trouble with. I'm working hard on GALing, not calling, not asking many questions, letting him know that I'm doing my thing. I engage in self talk to convince myself that it doesn't matter, but in doing so I can actually feel myself caring less and less whether my M can be saved. Lately I find myself seeing more and more negatives about him and have been asking myself if I really do want him back.

2) How should I interpret his flip flop behavior? Do I put more weight on the loving actions he shows, or the distant behavior?

Sometimes he acts very loving, demonstrative, doing nice things for me, calling often. Sometimes he acts distant, withdrawn. I sense that there is something there, below the surface, and I always go back to OW in my mind.

2) How should I react when he seems to trying to show me that he is bothered by something but denies there is anything bothering him when I ask? Sometimes he does tell me what's bothering him, which makes this even more confusing.

3) When I do catch him not being fully honest about something seemingly insignificant, is there some way to determine if that necessarily means that he is still seeing OW? Could there be any other explanation for him not telling me the truth about every single thing? Do you guys sometimes hold back info or not tell your W/GF the whole story - is this really "normal" guy behavior (that is when your Rs were not in trouble)?

My H turned out to be a first class liar, lying to everyone about everything (me, OW, his friends & coworkers).I am left wondering if this is just about the A or if he is a pathological liar (some of his lies have been mundane, but many have been spectacular). I read your posts and see that your W's are pretty open about their A's, compared to my H, and I'd like to say, and I know this may sound hollow, but at least you know what's going on. I have been living with the unknown for 2 yrs, and I just don't know how much longer I can do this.

4) Would you take your Ws back if they had a change of heard, even after they divorced you, or do you believe there is a point at which there is "no turning back"?

Thank you for your honesty and insight. You are wonderful men and deserve so much support for what you are trying to do. I wish you all good luck in your quests.

FA