Please don't ask me for help any more. I'm not in a place where I can help anybody. My life is a shambles, I'm financially beat, emotionally beat and I just have to regroup somehow.
Even though I do take medication to help me focus (Concerta) the real problem in my life is that I get these overwhelming anxiety attacks by the afternoon and I can't focus on anything.
I just don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. My hands are shaking and my head is dizzy. How sad that I have fallen so far.
So much damage has been done to my self esteem because I don't finish projects in a timely manner since I have very limited times where I can focus, the rest of the time is wasted. The partners I have had in various ventures (including in-laws) screwed up the businesses and when push came to shove they of course made sure They were provided for, and left me nowhere, or at least bad off while they are stable.
People don't really care or understand that when you put your trust in them they have an obligation to you. But then, I haven't been a very high performance partner, yet I know I can say that I've advanced their businesses and projects more than any other 3 software engineers could have. Even when I suck I'm still better than the 'average' s/w engineer.
I know it's all my fault, and I need to do something, but what? I don't know why I have anxiety all the time. I don't know how to stop it. During the 'DB' phase 2 years ago I was on Wellbutrin which messes up your intimacy but keeps you at a steady emotional state. I still couldn't focus and when we reconciled I had to get off it so I could 'feel' again.
That's probably how I got to where I am. I had to feel again, and I've felt EVERYTHING. The anxiety is so overwhelming, it's like having electricity in your whole body. One way to describe it is that feeling you get when you are 'surprised / scared' and your adrenaline has a burst. Except for me it lasts for hours.
I can't do this any more. I searched and searched and I found something that seems to describe the hopelessness and anxiety I feel in the afternoons. It's this thing called 'hypoglycemia' where your body messes up and makes adrenaline and other things in excess, which keeps you in the edgy 'fight or flight' mode, kind of the opposite of being a Diabetic.
I'm hoping that if I start being aware of my foods and take the right supplements I can stop this emotional rollercoaster.
It got so bad that for a while I started drinking in the evenings because of the pain and panic. That was a bad idea because in the end it amplifies the anxiety the next day. I had to stop that.
My wife has been 'waiting' for me to 'figure this out' since she does love me and that's her idea of support, to 'wait for me to figure it out'. She feels that she can't do anything to help 'fix me' because that is my responsibility. She will be 'supportive' (whatever that means - it seems to mean she won't get mad at me when I'm not functioning)
I guess I've reached a place of intense emotion. I saw AmyC's post the other day about how she was going to live to see the day her husband is healed, and I realized that my wife is not that kind of person - the kind that will 'take charge' and be my 'rock'.
I often find myself being really unhappy about that, because I keep thinking that she SHOULD do something, put some kind of energy into me. She does that for everyone else.
She's a massage therapist and has said to me that she can 'counsel' her clients about their personal issues because there is some disconnect between her and them. But she can't do the same with me because we're too close.
I guess I can understand that. I can give great advice to people on this board, but none for myself.
She is currently unhappy because everything was 'fixed' but then I slowly burned out and she is tired of waiting for that 'happy life' to show up and that it seems like I'm never going to be happy. The stress levels are too much for her. She wants to 'grow' and move on with life.
I don't blame her, she isn't getting any younger and why would anyone stay in a life that is full of financial stress and emotional stress with a man that she loves, but can't be happy with because he can't be happy?
She's not leaving, she has just said she's not happy and she wants to be happy and maybe we're just not going to be able to do that together. Maybe she's right.
DB'ing is not the thing to do right now. I told her that. I said that whatever she needs to do she should do, that I have to get into my deep sh1t and somehow find my way to the other side with or without her. I really want to start being happier, I just feel so overwhelmed.
This isn't the board to discuss these things. I just don't want to disappear without sharing my story.
So, the lesson here is that yes, I did all the right things to help my wife through her crisis, her affair, and her growth. But I sacrificed myself when I did all this. In the end there was nothing left for me, and I guess even though she went through a lot of growth, the bottom line is she isn't the woman who can handle my intensity. She NEEDS a 'rock'. That's who she is.
So, if we're to be together then I have to handle it myself, still alone. Like Jeff223 said "You will be [alone]".
So true. But as my old friend Spitfire said, "You are now, and have always been, a survivor."
Well, she's right. I'm just so tired of HAVING to be a survivor. Maybe this will be the last time.
It really hurts. I hope I haven't let anyone down. I'm trying to find a board where I can get some help to save 'me'. Not my marriage, me. I have to fix myself or die trying.
