She's ready to move on

[Michael Mc C]

Wow drz, ever think about writing? Just kidding, I've been reading your sitch...

I agree with you lwb, there was a time a few weeks ago that she would NEVER have thought about sleeping in that bed, with or without me. I think it was a big step for her even though I'm sure she feels I'm going to read a lot into it. My job now is to do exactly the opposite. No comments, no questions if she moves back to the couch, no worrying about what's on her mind.

The time with the kids is a big concern for me as well although they would end up spending a majority of their time here anyway. Still I don't look forward to ever having them staying somewhere else because it's not "my" day to have them.

I have decided that I am in no rush for any major decisions. There are certain things that I know I will simply not be able to tolerate while she's here. Unless those things occur, there is no need for me to force any movement.

A little journaling:

I have had such an upbeat attitude since the new year began. I'm not sure if it's because we made it through the holidays mostly unscathed or if it's my new focus on GAL. My mood has at times conflicted with hers and while I hate to see her miserable, I know that she hasn't been able to bring me down.

She has, unfortunately, become lazier than usual. She claims it's because she's on her feet all day at work but there is very little help with the house.

I, on the other hand, have been doing a bang-up job keeping up with the laundry (amazing what 3 kids can generate), keeping the kitchen 1 notch below immaculate and have successfully (finally) enlisted the kids to start pulling their own weight.

I want to say something to her about this. I understand that at times she's "not here" but come on, she still lives here and she has to take part in the chores just like I do AND just like the kids do.

I work from home, she does not. It's easy for me to keep up with the house during a quick break or during lunch. However, when I wasn't working at home and she was a SAHM, she would bitch me out (after it stewed for months) about not getting more help. I need to take the proper approach about this and tell her that I can't do it alone in a calm and confident way. I know I have held off saying much because things are 'calm' at the moment. It's time, however, to remove some of the comfort and shake it up a just a little bit.

Quick story about the last 'housework' discussion we had (New Year's Eve):

My kids and I busted our humps preparing for our party. My sister came over and spent an hour cleaning up the kids playroom. When my wife came home D11 said "are you going to come help us in the playroom?" W said "I just got home from work, I'm not cleaning anything."

I was livid. I looked at her and said "No cleaning at all?" She replied with "I've been on my feet all day, I want some coffee and I need to relax."

I let it go for about 20 minutes, calmed myself down and pulled her into the bedroom. I reminded her that when I was working out of the home that if I ever came home, especially on the night of a party when the rest of the family had been working their asses off, and said I wasn't going to pitch in, she would have ripped my throat out.

She reminded me that it was different since I work at a desk. Bah!

My response to this was "Okay, so come home and say that once you have your coffee you'd like to help out but your feet are really tired. 'Is there anything I can do to help while keeping off my feet?'"

She agreed that it was probably the better thing to do and apologized (the apology was that of a chastised child but I accepted it anyway).

Since she works in retail her weekend (this week) occurred on Wednesday and Thursday. She spent most of the days with D11 watching movies (D11 was sick). However NOTHING was done as far as dishes or laundry. She simply doesn't think like she used to. I need to take the same approach that I did on NYE and tell her that some help is expected.

Funny enough, she told friends and family back in December (when I was 'forcing' her out of the house if she went to meet OM) that I would never be able to handle it. Guess what honey, I'm handling the house, the pets, the finances, 3 kids and, apparently, a 37 year old teenager.