Well its been awhile since I've last posted about me and my sitch. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1271802&page=0&fpart=1 I haven't had much to say after Thanksgiving because I found myself cycling into a deep depression and I had to fight my way out of it so I can continue to be a great parent to my two children. I decided to move to this forum because thats what W and I are right now. We've been separated for over 18 mos now and I don't see a future in sight. Every time I feel I am ready to move forward I stall. I just need more patience I guess.
Anyways, after getting back up from my depression, I kept driving back to see my kids, one weekend a month and its been great. I've noticed what a better father I've become, but more importantly my kids know it. So thats been a huge plus in my life. However, I feel like I've taken a huge backslide as far as detaching and GAL. Especially over the holidays.
W did not spend any of the big three with the kids (Thanksgiving, Xmas, New Years). She took this opportunity to spend it with her man in prison. Her A that everyone knows about but she still chooses to keep it a secret from me. Anyways hers actions this holiday season has been so hot and cold and so painful I'm beginning to question my want and desire to continue to stand. When I feel like I'm ready to move forward I can't.
I've found myself getting caught up in her madness and its driving me crazy. I try to be a friend and love her unconditionally but most of the time I want to slap some sense into her. She is always preaching about being a good parent yet she leaves her kids to be with a man on the three important family days of the year. Don't get me wrong I'm glad and thankful she left them with me, but who does that? During this time my kids have been telling me that she is taking them to the prison to see OM and that mom tells them to keep it a secret. What kind of crap is that. My eldest says that what mom is doing is ok because she decided she does not want to be with me anymore. She is just waiting to have enough money to get a lawyer. This is wrong. I want to confront her but I'm not sure what the point is given her current state of mind. W used to be a woman who put her kids first I don't understand her actions and its driving me crazy. Her parents noticed this too and had a long talk with her. I'm not sure what came of it but I'm sure they'll tell me. Its funny because all of our friends and family that know what shes doing has told me. So why can't she?
During my last visit she couldn't stop talking about what a good parent I am. And we were at times acting like a family and a couple. I tried so hard to take it for what it was but she kept telling me if she wasn't so scared to trust me she would work on our marriage. She says she keeps waiting for the real me to pop put. I told her this is the real me. Its unfortunate that you keep looking at me as I was and not as I am. She said nothing. After that we got real nice and comfortable again and I found myself practically throwing myself at her. I tried to back away but she followed and I did it again although this time she stomped on my heart. I'm not sure I can continue this hot and cold treatment from her. At the same time I also see her heading for a melt down. So what I continue to try to do, is be her friend. I decided to compete with her jail man and sent her a hand written letter basically introducing myself and what I am about. I did this before I thought about what she did to the kids over the holidays. So now I'm thinking it might be a mistake because I don't want to be friends with a person like that. But its already done so I'll see if she responds.
I want to detach. So thats my goal. I don't want to keep getting myself caught up in her madness. But right now I am still weak. I love her still. At this point I'm more confused than when I started DBing. I thought posting would help but its just getting me fired up again. Like I've said, I've done some serious backsliding. I guess I should re-read DR and refocus.
Sorry to hear about your situation. I too just moved over to Separated and feel like I am struggling with the same type of issues....whether to stand and keep fighting or just move on.
Hopefully we both can get some good advice over here. Just keep taking care of yourself and those kids as it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with them.
Thanks for the support. I lean on this place so much. Sometimes I don't know where would be without it. Right now, I think I will go dark while I compose myself again. Like you guys said, just focus on me and the kids.
I'm furious right now. I've had a little bit of time to take in the magnitude of what W did during the holidays and it pisses me off! As long as I've known her, she's always been about honesty and integrity. She has always placed the kids needs and happiness above all else. Even during our S. Why would you leave them to be with someone? How long has she been doing this? Why would you put them out there like that? Who is this person? Do I want an R with this person? So many new questions now. I'm getting caught up in her madness again. The kids are pretty much "whatever" with their mom right now so I guess they're ok. But its still not right.
I realize I am always there to take care of her weather she knows it or not. Thats why I have to detach. She is headed towards a path I won't follow anymore. Brave words I know...but I guess we'll see next time I visit them and I see her. I know this is what I have to do. But I want to help her. I want to be there for her especially when her fantasy world comes down, which to me looks like its starting. But who knows. I just need to detach.
NT you have to detach....really. You are being reactive to the things she is doing and its tearing you apart. We all have to realize that in our spouses world, they are the only ones that exist and the person you used to know no longer exists.
Going dark might be beneficial to you right now if you can manage it. Otherwise, keep meetings and conversations to a minimum. I know what it feels like to want to be there and help her but you have to let her fall if that is what is going to happen. Remember the 180's...you cannot be her crutch, punching bag, safety net....what-have-you. She has to do this on her own...you can't fix her.
While what she is doing is downright wrong, you cannot (openly) judge her. If/when she comes back and your sitch is a bit better, I'm sure she will see what she was doing and be just as appalled as you are now. But in the meantime....let her do her, and you do you.
Sorry...it sucks...but thats the way it is right now.
Thanks. Sometimes you just need to hear it even though you know what you need to do. I will be as dark as possible considering we have kids and I will love her from afar. I won't fight selfish with selfish. Anger with anger. I will continue to work on me and treat her with kindness dignity and respect without expecting anything in return. So I can just be me.
I try to think about interactions with H as episodes....like soap opera episodes. I watch it...laugh, cry, wonder WTH????...then the episode is over. Wait for the next show. Don't Tivo the episodes and don't look for the reruns...you'll get pissed all over again!
Thanks. Thats a great way to look at it! This way I can break each moment down and accept it for what it is. You know, keep it simple with no expectations.
I just realized how hard expectations can make an R. Its a lot of pressure especially if you try and mind read and act in a way you think the S wants instead of yourself. But communication is what stops that and prevents you from walking on eggshells. Its too bad I had to learn that the hard way.
Well, had my drama for the day. I decided to hook up my messenger and chat with people I haven't talked with in awhile. When I turned it on, I saw W screen name and it had a pic of her and OM. I lost it! I know that she is still trying to keep it a secret from me and I have not said anything to her in hopes she will come to me and say it but I don't know....I just lost it. I so tell her maybe you should have me blocked from this too (like she did with her myspace) at least you won't have to lie.
She then calls furious saying trying to downplay this. Saying things like you know I visit him and we are friends. I felt like I was starting to shrink as she attacked me, and I did a little bit. But for the most part I stood my ground (bend but don't break!) I go its kind of a cozy picture don't you think? She then gets even more angry and says don't you take pictures like that with your friends? I said no. She gets angry and keeps asking. I say no. So she tells me to take out old high school photos to see pics of me being cozy with girls. In my head, I'm like high school? Are you kidding me? You have to reach that deep to find some stuff on me. Wow!
She then proceeds about the letter I wrote. I wrote her a letter introducing myself with the intent of establishing a new friendship with her. This was before I sat and thought about what she did with the kids. I'm not so sure now.
Anyways, she got mad because I added a P.S. The p.s. went along the lines of I don't want charity from you. If you don't want to write me then don't but don't write me to be nice. If you seriously want to get to know me then write. She got mad at that and I said it is what it is. I would like you to take me seriously in a non threatening manner. But if you can't then don't write. She says if I did not want to write then I wouldn't. I said I just wanted to clarify myself because I want only the real you...not the nice you. We've gone that route before. I don't want that and I'm tired of that eggshell feeling. I don't ever want that feeling around me or someone to feel that way about me ever again. And thats my bottom line.
So afterwards the subject changed and we went back to small talk. She asked the next I was coming down I told her and asked why. She said just wondering. Which means that she will leave again to be with OM.
Why do I keep fighting? Because I want my family. I know I'm making progress too because she immediately changed her pic during our conversation and she still has not blocked me. That means something. Hopefully its positive.
