I am so pleased that you are going to talk to her. Just an idea..... I know this is for the sake of the kids but isn't it also for both of you? When my H and I talked it was importnat to me we stayed together because there was something between us as well as the kids. I couldn't ML with someone JUST for the sake of my kids - I'd have to know they wanted to be with me for wanting me too.....as I say, just a thought.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
You say she wants all of him. Didn't his recent work issue open her eyes to his personal problems? Surely she can't overlook behavior that would get him fired from his job and alienate his current wife. Does she have no instinct for self-preservation?
Back from vacation, had a few minutes to catch up...
Here's my take on thw whole "No R Talks" rule. The reason for it is that R Talks are, 98% of the time, pursuing. They immediately jump to the LBS trying to talk the WAS out of the path they are on - not only does that not work, it pushes the WAS away further.
HOWEVER, I will agree with Trying that communication is important. When you say "It seems that my DBing may have backfired. My wife now thinks that I am finished with the marriage." - well, I assume that's because she sees your detaching from her Crazy Self and GALing as "moving on". In that case, I think it's a good idea to set the record straight.
It's just really critical to be aware of that fine line between communicating and pursuing - SO difficult not to cross it! In your case, I think communicating is a good idea - as long on you keep the message entirely focused on YOU. Here's what I mean:
DON'T SAY stuff like: - WE could work this out. - YOU need to stop seeing OM. - YOU should give us another chance.
DO SAY stuff like: - I will not give up hope. - I still love you, in spite of everything. - I believe saving our marriage is possible.
Maybe this is something that would work better in a letter - that way, the message is conveyed, but it lessens the chance of turning into a debate about the future of the M (a real lose/lose proposition at this point!)
Just remember, though - you're talking to a Crazy Person. What you say may not be believed, probably won't be acknowledged, and could still get repeated to other people with an unbelievable amount of nutso spoin applied. Don't get drawn into the craziness with her - stay detached and keep on with time, patience, and the DBer Duck Back.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
