Strangely enough, I'm not bored at all. I'm absolutely loving the feeling of reclaiming my house and my space. My bf and I talk on the phone once or twice a day just to check in, but I don't ask when he's coming out here or when we're going to get together or even say that I miss him (because I don't), which I was doing only a few weeks ago. I don't know if he thinks this is temporary or figures I'm just being nice and taking the pressure off him or what. Frankly, I don't care. As long as we keep it at the caring friend level, we've always been fine. It's when I expect him to act like a lover/boyfriend that we head for the rocks. He DOESN'T behave like one, and I just get my feelings hurt.
Looking back, I can see that he has always made time for what he wanted to do without much thought toward me. I've come along and gone along and been welcome, but he's not focused on me, even for short periods of time. For example, that birthday scenario that IC came up with-- he would never think of something like that. He has cooked meals for me-- that is one thing he can/will do.
I'm not mad at him for being the way he is. I'm not even disappointed anymore. I just feel so free.
A few years ago I bought some pretty new sheets for my bed-- they're those heavy, soft hotel sheets that you find at Marshall's and TJMaxx in the back of the store. They're pale pink. That was back when I thought that every time we headed out to my house for the weekend, there would be a sexfest. I remember when I figured out that that was not going to happen... oh God I was so sad. I would stand beside the bed straightening it in the morning and cry, my heart breaking, because of what had NOT happened. How many times have we actually ML on those pretty sheets since I bought them? Maybe three or four times.
So. Out with the old, in with the new. Just like I traded in my car, I traded in my sheets. (I only have one set of sheets at a time. I just wash them and put them back on the bed.) I got some beautiful, ivory-colored sheets from Bed, Bath & Beyond (BIG sale there right now), and I'm changing the bedspread and moving the pillows around and making it MY bed again.
Lately I've been doing something really neat that is making me love to crawl into my bed again. First thing in the morning, after I let the doggies out, I sit up and write poetry. Don't worry-- I will NEVER post any of it here! I have a window right behind the bed that faces due east, and I can lean on the headboard with my notebook and see the sun come up. The view out my window is the garden, some mesquite trees (very short trees), and a great view of the sky. Those of you who live where there are tall trees-- we don't have them in south Texas. We have a few, but not forests of them. This is very open brush country where I live. I can see just about ALL of the sky, ALL of the time.
I'm also changing the look of my living room with some new throws in different colors. Nothing major... just reclaiming. I'm playing my guitar again... strangely, I haven't forgotten everything I knew. I'm eating less and happily have lost 15 lbs since being confined to the wheelchair.
Last night I was sitting on the sofa with an adoring dog on each side of me, and two cats asleep on the back of the sofa, positively euphoric with optimism and a sense of coming back to life.
Since it's Saturday, BF will probably come out to his place next door to me and we'll check in with each other. Dogs will happily run back and forth. I'm loving it a lot!
