The last three posts really touched me - they show so much grace and honesty.
Reconnection - I am starting to see how it is different from the touch and goes. I also understand [I think] why some have shorter and shorter cycles, and others have longer and longer ones, in their touch and goes.
They have to feel safe: they have caused such terrible damage that they can't fully contemplate it; they have never felt unconditionally loved. I believe that is at the bottom of all MLC. Somehow their parenting was defective, and although we did love them, they didn't feel worthy. That is why an external crisis so often seems to provoke MLC. It brings to the foreground a whole lot of things they stuffed away.
Unconditional love is testing - we have to become Christlike to practise this, and we cannot do it on our own. We simply can't.
So I would say - do not worry about how you would feel if your spouse wants to come home - give it to God, and He wil give you the strength and grace to do it.
Detaching makes us less hurt by their behaviour, so that we respond and don't react. They have been reacted to all of their lives, and not responded to. I realise that in my marriage, though from my perspective very happy, I was concerned about having my own needs met, rather than meeting my h's needs. It is difficult in any case to every be 'good enough' for the MLCer, even before they plunge into the crisis, and I think that many us experience that, perhaps without fully recognising it, and so we focus on making the marriage work for us. And the MLCer comes along for the ride.
This is not to say we should be doormats, but have anough strength and confidence to be able to respond appropriately to the other person.
