i think that's a common answer/excuse among most working women (i hope that i am wrong.)
but here is another situation:
my wife says that she doesn't want to fool around most of the time because sex gets her adrenaline pumping, and then she is awake for most of night being unable to settle down and fall asleep--unlike me. she gets completely bent out of shape seeing me fall fast asleep, while she lies there wanting to go to sleep, but unable to. so she stops herself from wanting sex, because sleep is more important, especially during the work week. sex sun.-fri. never occurs. it's impossible to have sex during the week!
is this a common problem, or am i the only one whose wife feels this way? this is just another obstacle placed in the bed. she won't even entertain any suggestions--whether it's lets start earlier, or take an ambien before we have sex! it's just another reason why we can't have sex.
sex in the morning before work? that's unheard of!! that doesn't exist! that's not a feasible idea. too many things to do, thinking about work not sex, have to get dressed, dress kids, have coffee, etc.
mornings during the weeekends are out because kids are up, afraid kids will burst in (even though we have a lock on the bedroom door) and she just doesn't want to--still too tired, not in the mood, etc.
that's on the weekends-- forget about during the week! not even when we are both off from work--too many things to do so we have to get up and be off doing them!
we use to have sex in the morning frequently, but after 15 years of marriage, she gets very upset that i am waking her and bothering her and that all she wants to do is try to keep sleeping or just lie there and relax, or she'll get so annoyed with my persistance that she jumps out of bed and that's that!
forget about trying to get it during the night. most times i'll wake up at 2,3 am and i also know that she's awake as well, but i won't even try to have sex because she just gets annoyed saying what am i crazy? and pushes me away no matter how persistant i am.
it's like the stars and the planets have to be aligned perfectly for sex to spontaneously happen.
Well cozy, we have proven on this bulletin board over and over again that it is we, the posters who have it wrong. Sex is only supposed to happen at prescribed times when everything is perfect and is the first thing to be scrapped for issues both small and large and is without a doubt too superficial to even merit discussion most of the time.
That being said - what have you read on the subject, what counseling have you or she had, any affairs on either person's part, any physical issues with either of you etc...... More information might help.
The men on the board have said over and over again that No More Mr. Nice Guy and The Way of the Superior Man helped a lot. You will NOT get any more sex than you are having by placating your W. You won't get any sex by doing a bunch of things for her hoping for some. You won't get any sex by apologizing for who you are. What kind of guy are you? What do you like to do? Are you showing that guy? Are you doing the things you like to do?? Do you appreciate and compliment your W independent of trying to get some? Read some of hairdog and Lou's threads to get the idea.
Posts by Stigmata, Blackfoot, Burgbud, Corri are pretty helpful to see what is happening in a more dispassionate way. Don't overanalyze but learn to see your interactions with your W for what they are - part of a mating dance- a single misstep is ok, repeated missteps and well, the mating is over.
semen in the morning is not the problem: getting her started is!!
here's an sample of this morning: i let her sleep until 8:40; rolled over to her and when i put my arm around her, she quickly told me to move away, because she was all hot and sweaty, and had to go to the bathroom. i could already see where this was going. kids were already up and downstairs (9 and 11 year olds). when she got out of the bathroom and saw that i was still in bed, she came over, sat on her side of the bed (i stayed in the same position she left me in), and said that she was going down to have coffee. i said, "why don't you lock the door and come back into bed?"
"no, i want to get up and going. i already slept later than usual and the kids are up," she said.
"so, that's it? you don't even want to try to get started," i replied.
"no, i am not in the mood. i want to get up and about."
"so, you're not in the mood, and don't want to try, right?"
"yeah, pretty much," she said as she walked out of the bedroom making me feel so alone, frustrated, angry, sad, unloved, uncared for, not being able to acknowledge her selfishness, etc.
downstairs, she acts as if there is nothing wrong, that what occurred 10 mins. before never happened, talking to me as if i never even approached her about sex!
i tell her how annoyed and frustrated i am, and all she said was, "yeah, i know," and went about the morning as if i never said anything!
but she was in the mood to go to the gym when her friend called, not in the mood to have sex with me!!
i could've opened dialog once again at that moment, but i am waiting, because i am in the process of finding a therapist, and don't want to start anything again for the millionth time in my marriage until i have all of the facts straigtened out. in other words, i want to talk to a professional to make sure that it's not me and that i am not asking for so much in my life. i also want to show her that i am not playing games anymore, that i am seeking help to either get myself straightened out ( maybe i want too much sex!), but rather, that she is the one who has the problem, and she needs to address it.
did she not want to have sex because we had it last week on new year's eve, when she wanted to have it because it was already a month that passed when we last had it?
is it because last week's romp meant that she made her quota for the month, and now she doesn't have to do it for another month?
i am just really tired of this nonsense, not being able to treat her like a lover, to always walk around with a long face, like a kid who is pouting over not getting the toy he really wanted, never knowing when sex is going to happpen, never having sex spontaneously even when i try.
i am just really tired of this nonsense, not being able to treat her like a lover, to always walk around with a long face, like a kid who is pouting over not getting the toy he really wanted, never knowing when sex is going to happpen, never having sex spontaneously even when i try.
I could have written this. I can tell you for sure that long face, pouty behavior is guaranteed to turn her off. When I manage to avoid that attitude my results are usually much better. I remember a quite a while ago (I have a post on this board about it) where I decided to try stopping the resentment and when she turned me down I just smiled and said: "Your loss babe. I was planning on being fantastic tonight." and rolled over to go to sleep. Two minutes later, I hear her clothes hit the floor and the action was pretty hot.
I can't always cut through my emotions to keep this attitude going but it does work. Resentment is about you giving up control of how you feel and letting her control your emotional state. You may be able to use resentment to get "duty sex" but you will never be able to use it to get true desire. Resentment is weak. Weakness is a turn-off.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
so what is there to do? forget about it and try not to be so hurt, resentful, right? but the problem is that now she knows she has "won", and stays in control. i have tried it a thousand times, and it just doesn't feel right. then i get all these mixed signals from her: she calls me honey,and is affectionate but there is no end result. do i expect it all of the time? not at all. there just isn't enough sex in my life to just shrug her refusal away and just say, ok no problem. and telling her that i was going to be great won't do anything.
i am just tired of feeling rejected and watching her not even feel how i feel and not even trying anything to change it. she knows that sex will be good and that she will orgasm. the frustration is her not even trying to get started, not even saying ok i'll try and then before you know it, she's saying i don't know why i never want to do this. she has said this 1,000 times after she is satisified.
