the financially dependent spouse in MLC

[forward]

I am interested in hearing how others are handling their financially dependent spouses. Especially when those spouses are becoming desperate.

I am in a somewhat unusual situation in that I am the W and WAH has been the one w/financial dependency issues. I had tried to interest him in financial matters but he didn't seem to be interested. I took care of most bills. H would charge credit card and I paid. H complained constantly basically implying I am cheap. Really it was that i supported H and had nothing left over (never again).

Now H may well be discovering that being the person who is responsible for all that stuff really sucks! My guess is that OW is fairly financially dependent on him (but not entirely).

H also has no clue what real child support will be. H pays but not the full amount that would likely be owed post-D.

Anyway, just wondering how others are handling the financially dependent spouse who is resentful of the responsible "parent" spouse......

What I find is that I do not want H to come back financially dependent. I want him to learn how to take care of himself.

[forward]

the other thing is that I worry that H has such a long way to go in financial sitch, he will never grow up. In a way I get why he is with a 22-year-old.

It seems that most men in MLC have at least established financial independence and learned to deal with money, even if irresponsibly.

H is resentful because he can't support himself in the lifestyle to which he became accustomed.

The other thing I worry about is that he will try to come back because it is easier.

[MidwesternGirl]

Well, I think I have been blessed since H moved out of the house 06/06!!

He has paid the bulk of the bills since that time and a year ago, we refinanced the house to get a lower interest rate.

Lately, he has been offering to pay for my auto repairs and when he visits on weekends, he will say, "Did you know you are almost out of such and such?" And I will thank him for telling and say that I will get more the following day. He always comes back with, "That's okay, I will go to the store and get it for you." He never asks me to pay him back either, and he has been filling my gas tank, too. And he never, ever complains about the finances either.

He does not contribute to OW and that place as all of his money comes our direction.

I used to be a stay at home mom, which I loved to do, and he has mentioned that he might want me to do that again even though I work part-time. I just love to be home and take care of the house and bake for my family.

This is how our financial situation has played out since he left.

[forward]

SF, you are due for a R conversation w/H. I sure hope he offers it to you.

[MidwesternGirl]

Well, he is still over there and sometimes I want to shake his bones and there are times when I have to be still.

He is so stubborn, to the point where if you ask or tell him something like when are you planning on moving home, he will say nobody determines that only he will and in his own time.

I cannot rush anything with this guy but the fact that he wants to take care of us is just fine with me.

Oh, yeah, he gave me some documents on some new insurance he got for all of us. It is pretty good and I asked him who was his beneficiary and he said I was. He just took the policy out a few months ago!!!

I will be okay but it is very difficult sometimes.

[Tipper]

Breton,
Hey, your WAH sounds a lot like mine (Financially). I have paid our bills on time for years now and saved $ in CD's, savings accounts, 401k, TSA's, and in my teacher retirement fund. My H on the other hand has bought about 15 different vehicles, 2 boats, a brand new tractor, a jet ski, 2 houses, new furnature, ect...all while knowing he was going to go bankrupt. He has never saved a single penny in his life. I have been the one to cover the down payment & closing costs on the last two of our three homes we have lived in in the last 7 yrs. He has barely a 1000$ in his retirement account, no credit, no bank accounts, and is now going to start up a brand new business. YEAH-THIS WILL BE INTERESTING.
He has $2100 a month he owes in rent alone for his shop and apartment, & that is not to mention that he needs to pay regular bills, buy new equiptment for the shop,$ to eat(now, he only orders out-no kitchen in his new apart.), $ to drink excessively as he does, and $ for gas. I am very afraid that he will blow through what ever he did have stashed away, when he left this 2nd time in a heartbeat.
Last summer when he left me, he did the same thing. He had a big stash of $ that he blew through in about 2 months(and that was his busy season for work). He even had to borrow money from his mother in June just to get by. He said even though he was down to his last 5 $'s, he somehow knew he would get by. And that is when he really started to talk to his family more again, cuz he was in need.
This is why I think he truely slipped into mlc. Him and I are and always have been the complete opposites when it comes to $. We never even shared accounts or credit while we were married since he & I knew he was a total spender and agreed to keep money seperate while spliting the bills/expenses in half every month. It was our system and it was o.k. with me, and now I am really glad that I went with my gut instincts due to his bankruptcy, otherwise I would be broke now too.
His way of dealing with financials is just outrageous.
WOW, I could go on for ever when it comes to this topic, I am worried for him and his future-but i cannot dwell on it. I am just so greatful for for being able to support myself.
TIPPER

[MidwesternGirl]

I forgot to add to my post that H did not go out and buy extravagant items, not even for OW. The most he ever did was take her to a nice hotel summer of '06 and that was it.

I know, I have a very strange MLCer!!!!!!!!!!

[a new 2moro]

H still doesnt get that i refused to help with finances while he was with ow and support the affair...

[MidwesternGirl]

AN2M:

How are you doing? Last I heard H moved the rest of his stuff out of there?????

[forward]

My H hasn't been bad with finances when he lived here (never spent like Tipper's H). I just felt irked because he took my earnings for granted while refusing to do things like learn new skills that would get him the next job that would help him pay for what he wanted. His take seemed to be that I should be responsible so he didn't have to be.

Now he can't live the same way with the OW and he doesn't like it. Running up debts but refusing to cut spending. His contract will end in a few months and he is likely to spend the summer without earnings, unless he gets a summer job (which he will do at last resort, and which would likely eat into the precious time that he so values).