I don't know how to approach her and tell her that I want to work on the marriage. I have gone dark on relationship talks - I never initiate them. So I'm not going to walk up and say, "Hey let's work on this marriage. Why don't you cancel plans to go have sex with another man?"
I don't know it is so hard. While one approach works for someone maybe it won't work for the other. For me I just let it all out. I approached him and just spoke from my heart. I figured I could show him all I wanted to through actions. But words are way stronger then actions in my opinion. At that point I didn't give a rats behind if I was pursuing. It was a last resort to trying to save my marriage. I also had to swallow a lot of hurt when I did it. Because I expected him to be coming to me begging for me to take him back. He betrayed me. From my perspective sometimes the walk away spouse see's the positive changes as us moving on without them. Or trying to create a life without them. We have to let them into our hearts to know how we are feeling once in awhile. Not to tell them we want or should stay together for the kid's. But if we do indeed love them then tell them that.
But from your recent posts it sounds like you are just done. I know you have this information about what she is planning. But I mean you yourself from my take on it it sounds like you are just done and ready to move on. I can't say I blame you as you have been through He**. But it sounds like on the way out you want to let everyone know the truth you know to be real. Kind of like stabbing her in the back. Using the kid's tactic and the parent aspect. That is how she will feel about it I am sure in her deranged mind. While I agree with you because it is what I would want to do, is shout it from the roof tops. That my spouse destroyed this marriage. However you need to think about one thing. This is the woman you will have to co-parent with. What happens if this starts an all out war with her as divorce proceedings may be taking place?
New Horizons,
Yeah Her speakers may be shut off. Or so he thinks. But believe if the person you married and vowed to love is standing before you asking for a little time to talk. I believe they will listen. They have to listen if you are speaking. Whether it changes anything you can't be certain. But if you love someone and want to stay together then they will never know if you don't say anything.
I agree with Tryingtoholdon that communication is the most important part of a marriage. She started the cold war, but you have continued it. It's not easy to break down the walls. I guarantee you that in Retrouvaille you will get beyond the walls. I'd say go back to where you started, offer to go to Retrouvaille and work on the marriage. I know FIL will back you up.
You could open communication with a heartfelt non-condemning letter. But the distance between the two of you is enormous. It will take an entire weekend of focus to open the doors. So I would say try a little communication on your own, but go to the professionals to do the bulk of the work. Marriage repair is not a do-it-youself project.
But the distance between the two of you is enormous. It will take an entire weekend of focus to open the doors
I agree. And with them growing farther apart, I believe anger and resentment is getting in the middle there.
She is stubborn, he is stubborn. (yes you are Mark, don't argue with me! ). There is just so much information Mark has received in the last couple days, I think he needs to sit back, breathe, and figure out what his plan is...
I agree with Sara and Trying - somehow you need to communicate with your wife and tell her how you feel. This is one thing that I think DBusters don't do enough. I know they say don't initiate R talks etc - it's pursuing. BUT they also say if something doesn't work then do a 180. In your sitch that would strike me as opening up to your wife and letting her see how hurt you are.
My H didn't come back to me until I did that - he thought I didn't care anymore.
Take care.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks for the input. Without getting into a lot of detail, I have rethought my relationship with the in laws. I need to back away from them for a while. I do intend to share with them what I know of my wife's plans, though.
Regarding the R talk. It's time for the last resort. I will lay it out and tell her how I feel, and I have no doubt it will get me nowhere. She is deeply, passionately in love with a person that will break her heart and leave her twisting in the wind. Of course, I will not say this... what I will say is that, for the sake of the kids, let's get to work on us.
It will be a wasted effort, though. She wants none of me and all of him.
There's the Mark I know!!! Meeting it head on. Good idea about the talk. If anything, it will bring some peace in a house full of tension. When are you going to talk with her?
Mark I think that is great you are going to talk to her. ((((HUGS))))) Believe me I know how hard it can be. But for me once I started the words just came. During this talk my husband got to see my hurt and my love. For us it did change things around.
). There is just so much information Mark has received in the last couple days, I think he needs to sit back, breathe, and figure out what his plan is...