As The Clash said... "Darling you gotta let me know Should I stay or should I go?"
This is a fascinating thread because it summarises my key issue over the last 15months of hell. Now that I'm more detached I've realised that I'd made two fatal mistakes which had really messed up my mind:
- I assumed my W was the same rational and loving person that I'd originally married - I could convince her to recommit to us by making changes
Our WASs are nuts and on a serious trip to Planet La La and beyond. No amount of planning/plotting will work because their responses are so irrational. In my opinion, whether they stay or go has limited impact in their delusional state. Therefore any changes you make should be for yourself and your kids. You should not make changes peeking from the corner of your eyes for the WAS's reaction. Detach fully and completely, and take the power out of their hands.
I've decided I can detach (only after 15months of micro-steps forwards followed by huge backslides) whilst living together. I don't need to rock my kids' world and also it gives us the possibility of reconciling. This has only dawned on me now, and I forced myself to face it as the clock struck twelve for 2008. I was all alone on New Years and I thought I need to take back my life.
My humble advice is please focus on yourselves and don't try and second-guess your WASs. Could you have guessed they would do this to your lives? No, then you can't guess how they'll react to any decisions you make now. Each one of has different levels of tolerance and different ways of living life. If you can't detach in the same house then definitely separate. However any M that is heading back to friendship, is moving in the right direction; its just not moving at the speed you want and may not get to the end destination in the time you want.
A few thoughts from "the fence"...it was painful sitting here, but I've got myself a lovely cushion of resolve now and I'm going to live life from here for a little bit and see how far I get.
Good luck to all of you in this impossible conundrum with impossible answers.
