W gave me some documents covering "Domestic Abuse". While I am horrified that she thinks this about me, I am also open minded about it. I don't want to be that man to her or to the children.
Some of the documents are really disturbing. One is entitled "What you should know about your abusive partner". This seems like a foregone conclusion to me.
In it, there are a bunch of questions. One is "Should we try couples counseling?" The answer given is NO. "Can He change?" Not likely. Only if he participates in a 48-week program. "How do I know if he is changing?" The document lists a bunch of positive and negative signs.
Signs he is not changing (and my answers for me): - does he tell you that YOU are abusive? (No, I've never said that to my wife, though I did tell her that I felt she had abandoned me. This was met with anger and rejection.) - is he pressuring you to go to couples therapy? (Yes. Not currently, but in the past I have asked her to return to therapy.) - Does he make his abuse sound like less than it really was when he talks about it? (Well, yes. Because I don't believe it WAS abuse. But you see, if I deny it, then I am, by this definition, abusive. If I don't deny it, then I am also abusive. Umm....help me out here... How do I get off this merry go round? Where's the exit?) - Does he tell you that you owe him another chance? (Yes, I have done this, in the summer. Not in those words, but I asked her to give our marriage another chance. This is abuse?) - Does he try to get you or the children to feel sorry for him? (Not really.) - Do you have to keep after him to attend his meetings and appointments? (No, but I don't go to DV counseling (yet)). - Does he expect something in return from you for the fact that he's attending a batterer's intervention program? (No. I'm not in a program. But sheesh, now it is battery?) - Is he pressuring you to drop the restraining order? (There is no such order.)
My thoughts on this. It feels like a witchhunt. If I want to stay married, then I am abusive, by definition. If I want another chance, that is abuse. If I deny that there was abuse, or if I try to say, my behavior did not constitute abuse, then I am abusive.
I know I wasn't the man she wanted or needed me to be. Why else would she go to the other man? But I never had malice in my heart. I may have been unskilled and an oaf, inattentive, and even hurtful sometimes, but not abusive. I never wanted to dominate anyone or abuse anyone.
In particular, the aftermath of the affair I behaved terribly. I was very shaken and disturbed. an emotional wreck. Just a wreck. Traumatized. She is po'd and cannot or will not forgive me for my behavior. In her eyes, I am unforgivable. Or, maybe just irredeemable. She's said, "I forgive you, but that doesn't mean I want to be married to you."
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
