I am not going to post all the nuts and bolts but rather just say that I'm trying to get myself back to where I need to be spiritually. I all but turned my back on my faith due to anger & unforgiveness in my heart. I'm the only one I can change, you know. I tend to forget that. And it is especially true when dealing with an addict. I can't change his behavior but I SIMPLY MUST change my reaction to it. Most nights lately I have spent either in alanon chat rooms or online reading about alcoholism. I have not pulled D12 out and I do not intend to at this time. What I have done, is schedule visitation. I am hypervigilant but I will not keep patching everything up and smoothing crap over. I am very much present in D12's life and activities. I will minimize her exposure to anything & everything that is not acceptable. She and I have talked about her dad drinking and driving. What I know is that if I hover and I run at the drop of a hat for anything she needs, that is me still trying to "fix". Jeff has to learn to deal with life on life's terms. I am watching out for my daughter and she is communicating with me and as long as that is happening, I have other things that I have to attend to. Mainly, my own spiritual crisis. For whatever reason I can't even begin to fathom, I am the one that has been given the tools. Granted, I'm tired and at times I feel faithless. When the rubber meets the road though, I know where to go. This recent situation drove me back to my knees just like 2 years ago. Tonight I sat in my car waiting to drive D12 home from skating and I just talked to God about it all. I kept asking for a sign but the one question that He seemed to keep kicking back to ME was "will you pray if you have no guarantees you will be reconciled?" To me, the question was "How much do you love him? Do you still want him saved even if he isn't coming back to you?" My answer was YES and I told God all the reasons why, too. Yes, I will pray. I know there's no one else praying for him and I want him delivered and made whole if for no other reason than it is best for him and the kids. Once I got D12 out and took her home, the world was already whispering in my ear and by the time I pulled into my apartment complex I was talking outloud to it reminding the enemy that the unbelieving spouse is SANCTIFIED by the believing spouse and we are still married, I believe and THAT IS FREAKIN' THAT. I then came on in the apartment and eventually logged in here. That is when I clicked on a link to one of my old threads that OJ gave a new member earlier today. As I was reading, I found this:
Update" 11/3/07
This is gonna be quick but I will try to be thorough...
I'll preface by saying that H brought D12 by the apartment Weds. after trick or treating. We had a nice visit. H talked to S15 about coming and spending the night with him Sat. (tonight) and also on Monday because school is out Tuesday. The plan was made...They were supposed to be working on S15's car but H's parents needed a storm door hung so H called last night and asked S15 if he minded if they went over and did that, S15 of course, said no. H picked him up this morning. I later picked up D12 and she ran some errands with me this afternoon. I started feeling like crap (pms headache) so I took her home at about 5:30 or so. H was grilling and they all told me I was staying for dinner. I really wasn't feeling up to it so I explained to them that I was going to come back to the apartment. D12 was kinda mad at me, but I have to grab these headaches before they take hold of me and I needed my pms meds. She made a remark about "Mom must have a date...". That did not leave my head the whole way back to the apartment so when I got here, I took the meds and waited an hour or so then called them to see what they were doing. H told me to come back over if I wanted to, so I did. I just didn't want anyone thinking I had a friggin date, that's basically why I went back.
So we eat, I wash dishes, H and I mess around, flirt, talk as we always do. He's getting the tests on the arm next week. They think it's a cervical issue, based on the preliminaries. How screwed up that he's out of work again...it's weighing on him. Just when he's getting back on his feet after the knee surgery and climbing out of the debt that left him in, this crap starts. We sat down at the kitchen table and he started talking. He said that's what he missed the most. Talking with me. He talked about this new medical issue, drinking, finances, trying to keep up with everything in the house, keep track of D12's school stuff and make her pull her weight, plus he's trying to get a business off the ground...I just sat there and I started thinking this is all such bullshit. At first I wasn't gonna say it but then I said to myself I haven't got one damn thing to lose - hell pride flew out the door at S15's birthday party last month - so I said it: "I want you to let me come home so I can take care D12 and her school work and the things inside the house so you can concentrate on things you like to do and the things you want to do, like build your business while we work on our relationship with each other". Remember now, that worked for us for the most part - me overseeing school stuff and household chores - obviously though, some things would be different now that he has a clue about what that entails and I have a clue about the outdoor stuff. At first he just sat there then I looked at him and he was kind of smiling and clearly thinking...He said it wouldn't work with things like they are now - I said "you mean spacewise, with me and S15 having to cram ourselves back in here". That was what he meant. He started talking about he got screwed on the refinance and there is no money anywhere and we would need to build an addition and how would we do it? Well, clearly I don't have that answer right now but I know this, if we both get on the same page and make this decision, there is nothing between heaven and hell, or IN hell that I won't overturn to make it happen.
We did not get too much further than that tonight, which is fine. It's now on the table. I did mention the money that I dump into this apartment every month that I could be putting into our home and family. I got up and walked behind him sitting in the chair and leaned down and put my arms around him and told him I love him and kissed him. Being the frisky male, his arm wasn't so bad he couldn't reach around and cop himself a little feel .
I gathered my stuff and told the kids "bye" and he walked out to my car with me. He hugged me tighter than he ever has before and then he wrapped his hand up in my hair and kissed me.
I don't know where the heck we go from here but I'm keeping this issue alive. We are so screwed separately, either way we look at it. Our family is jacked up, we're both alone, struggling and so freakin clearly love each other...that I am tired of the crap. This is just stupid. If the only thing keeping us apart is the fact we need an addition so badly, I'll become a damn carpenter or start begging contractors for charity or something. This I know, we can't cram these two kids back into the same room like it was before I moved out and he moved back in. That would be our undoing. These kids are too old to share a room and since they've been split up, they have actually developed a good relationship. They were "arch enemies" before. We're not screwing that up. The house is just too small now.
So we need a miracle.
Oh, and yes, he did say, "...if we do this..." so it's definitely a thought that he is also entertaining. And besides, you can DB better from under the same roof I hear.
Oh and one BIG thing, he's not under the influence tonight for some reason. I was actually talking to my husband, not a beer can. "
Kinda makes me think of Bill Engvall's "HERE'S YOUR SIGN" jokes.
Anyway, I have another long road ahead of me, I feel. I'm going to become involved in alanon as soon as I can find an actual meeting place. In the meantime, I will keep on as I have been. I am picking D12 up tomorrow. She called and asked if I could take her to get gym shorts (they just moved back into their newly renovated middle school, so they haven't really been having PE because they've been parked in trailers on the grounds of the high school for 3 months). I will not be going into the house. H and I need to stay apart for a while. He is still resentful of my outburst over the other night. What I know is that he knows I was dead on. He need not see me though and feel like it's being rubbed in. He's in good, capable hands. My job is to look out for D12 and stand in the gap for my husband. That's it. The rest is between him and God. I know one thing, he won't be able to escape His grasp. Just as I could not. No matter how far astray I went I couldn't and I swear no one kicked and screamed their way out of that miry clay in Psalm 40 harder than I did. As he once prayed fervently for me, I will pray for him and come hell or high water, which will BOTH come if my past experience is any indicator, I will live to see the day that my husband is made whole.
