Brit, I can tell you from my experience (W is still living with me) that things can be very awkward at times. You really have to treat the situation like you are a roommate (I really should take my own advice). I would say if you think you can keep yourself and your emotions under control why not give it a shot. If you do move in take the situation week by week and decide if it is working or not.
M: 30 W: 29 D: 4 S: 2 M: 7 years Dropped bomb: 11/26/07 My sitch
I'm not quite sure what to tell you Brit. I know I would love the chance to live w/ my H again, but I know he is ready. The way your wife has been up and down lately, I don't think she is ready even though she made the offer. I am afraid at this point it could do more harm than good. I do think the closeness of the new place sounds great and help a lot w/ your coparenting. Maybe you might want to casually drop a "D and I looked at a place nearby, but it isn't available until ..."
Talked to W briefly this morning - She was having a problem at work and needed some help from me to figure it out.
Tonight is usually dinner night for us all. She has to come down this way to get D anyway. I've no idea if she'll come over for dinner or not - Guess we'll see what happens.
Brit, I can tell you from my experience (W is still living with me) that things can be very awkward at times. You really have to treat the situation like you are a roommate (I really should take my own advice). I would say if you think you can keep yourself and your emotions under control why not give it a shot. If you do move in take the situation week by week and decide if it is working or not.
We've stayed together a couple of nights since she moved out - Nothing crazy, but we survived and if anything, it was really positive. I really don't feel uncomfortable with W, or feel like I am unable to control myself around her - We usually have so much contact anyway, it hardly makes any difference.
The weird thing is that the more time we spend together, the better things seem to be. It's confusing.
I'm not quite sure what to tell you Brit. I know I would love the chance to live w/ my H again, but I know he is ready. The way your wife has been up and down lately, I don't think she is ready even though she made the offer. I am afraid at this point it could do more harm than good. I do think the closeness of the new place sounds great and help a lot w/ your coparenting. Maybe you might want to casually drop a "D and I looked at a place nearby, but it isn't available until ..."
We'll see if anything happens tonight and if we do anything over the weekend. Maybe I'll invite W out to lunch or dinner on Sunday. She has D all weekend, and it's tough to do that on her own.
I am REALLY at odds to decide how to handle W right now. She seems interested in what I am doing, in terms of finding a place to live, so I don't want to exclude her and make her feel like I don't want her to know what is going on. I felt horrible when I was at lunch with her yesterday - She just seems like she has lost interest in everything in her life. Guess I need to find the balance between not being too pushy or seem like I'm pursuing, and making her feel like she has someone to talk to. It's not even like she fakes feeling good around me like she used to.
(3:59:29 PM) W: am I picking up D tonight? (3:59:36 PM) H: if you want (3:59:40 PM) H: did you want to get dinner? (3:59:59 PM) W: sure (4:00:24 PM) H: why don't you just come over and we can pick up D on the way (4:00:30 PM) W: ok
I'm not quite sure what to tell you Brit. I know I would love the chance to live w/ my H again, but I know he is ready. The way your wife has been up and down lately, I don't think she is ready even though she made the offer. I am afraid at this point it could do more harm than good. I do think the closeness of the new place sounds great and help a lot w/ your coparenting. Maybe you might want to casually drop a "D and I looked at a place nearby, but it isn't available until ..."
We'll see if anything happens tonight and if we do anything over the weekend. Maybe I'll invite W out to lunch or dinner on Sunday. She has D all weekend, and it's tough to do that on her own.
I am REALLY at odds to decide how to handle W right now. She seems interested in what I am doing, in terms of finding a place to live, so I don't want to exclude her and make her feel like I don't want her to know what is going on. I felt horrible when I was at lunch with her yesterday - She just seems like she has lost interest in everything in her life. Guess I need to find the balance between not being too pushy or seem like I'm pursuing, and making her feel like she has someone to talk to. It's not even like she fakes feeling good around me like she used to.
When my H was in his deepest depression he had lost all interest in almost everything.
I agree that you should let her know where you are looking and what is going on w/ your moving.
When my H was in his deepest depression he had lost all interest in almost everything.
I agree that you should let her know where you are looking and what is going on w/ your moving.
Well, W just left - D ended up staying with me tonight because it got too late (how's that for co-parenting!). W is coming over tomorrow to hang out and help me pack up stuff. We didn't make official by any standard, but next weekend she's going to help me move out of here and move in with her for a while.
Now for the fun stuff - W is a wreck. Hardly ate, came home and spend forever in the bathroom, didn't hardly talk or have any fun. She faked it pretty good, especially with D, but I could tell her heart wasn't in it at all. We went out for dinner together, drove by a couple of houses I've been looking at, stopped at her house to change D. W has obviously been spending a lot of time working on organizing and cleaning up her house.
We had a number of strange conversations over dinner. She told me that I 'need to get laid' - I made a joke about her talking about that the other day, and she just laughed and said 'you know how frigid I am'. She talked a little about OM, but said stuff about his gf and some other girl he is trying to date. I don't know if it's a line of BS or what... Guess it doesn't make any difference. W said she's going to be like her 50yr old single neighbor.
Random stuff
1) W was really impressed with the house I'm trying to get. She said 'That's a cute house. Better than a dump I live in'. Her place is small, but it is very nice and well maintained. I'd be happy living there if it was mine. Of course, that comment fell on deaf ears.
2) W told me repeatedly about her money woes. She couldn't afford D's daycare last month, and she said she can't pay it this month either. I told her if I stay with her, I'd pick up her rent next month - She didn't like that idea too much, but she didn't all out refuse. She's not paid her rent this month yet ($785 rent, $1k in her checking account right now), and I doubt she'll be able to afford it until next pay period (2 weeks from now).
3) W speaks in absolute negatives about herself. She compliments me and makes comments about how successful I am and how well I am doing. I asked her how she was doing this week - Said she was 'doing okay'. So I asked her how she was really doing, and if her anti-depressant medication was helping. 'not so good'. Said she was feeling really 'blah' and didn't have any interest in anything anymore.
When she left she just picked up her stuff and wandered out the door. I stopped her and gave her a hug, a kiss and told her ILY. She looked at me with empty eyes - Not just devoid of love, but totally lacking any spark of life. First time in almost three months she hasn't reached out to me for affection when we are together. She didn't push me away or say anything about it, but it was like there was nothing there at all.
Feels more like MLC than anything right now. It's really difficult - Two weeks ago, just before Christmas, we had an AWESOME weekend, followed by a really good Christmas together. She was kind, generous, affectionate, interested in me and D, then within the space of a couple of days she just dropped off the planet completely. Hell, she didn't even ask about D this morning until I brought her up mid-afternoon. She ALWAYS used to ask how she slept, if she got to school okay and everything else.
I have a feeling I'm going to feel a lot different when I move - Even packing stuff up here and looking at somewhere new gives me a feeling of 'refreshment'. I really wish W had experienced the same clarity and excitement for life when she moved.
Any ideas how to deal with this? Obviously everything I've been doing for the last three months isn't going to work, since she's just checked out of life completely.
It sounds like your W needs to GAL herself. I know you say she suffers from depression, but if she gets busy with something, that would surely take her mind off being depressed. Does she have any hobbies or activities that she ever had an interest in trying? I guess the trick would be for you finding a way to get her started into doing something that would make her happy.
Right now it seems she sees you as doing so much better and happier in life than her and that only adds to her depression.
Seems like you mention that she laments a lot about her loss of the OM. Have you considered that she might be so depressed as to be suicidal? I know that I am taking no chances with my W even though she does not seem depressed - just angry and irrational. That is the main reason why I got the guns out of our house and over to a 3rd party this afternoon.
It sounds like your W needs to GAL herself. I know you say she suffers from depression, but if she gets busy with something, that would surely take her mind off being depressed. Does she have any hobbies or activities that she ever had an interest in trying? I guess the trick would be for you finding a way to get her started into doing something that would make her happy.
She really has no hobbies, and few friends. She used to do a lot with people from work when we were together, but that has all fallen away. She used to be really interested in computers and stuff, but even though I sorted a lot of things for her during my packing and helped her get stuff together, I don't think she really does much with it.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
Right now it seems she sees you as doing so much better and happier in life than her and that only adds to her depression.
Sounds reasonable - She really has no prospects of things getting better any time soon. Throwing more $$$ at her never helps.
Originally Posted By: KerryK
Seems like you mention that she laments a lot about her loss of the OM. Have you considered that she might be so depressed as to be suicidal? I know that I am taking no chances with my W even though she does not seem depressed - just angry and irrational. That is the main reason why I got the guns out of our house and over to a 3rd party this afternoon.
I don't know why she is suddenly so quiet and unhappy. Maybe it's OM, maybe it's something else. W has talked about 'ending it all' in the past, but I know that with D she wouldn't do anything stupid. That said, I don't know if her depression is just when she is with me, or if she's holding herself up when she is at work, and just totally lets herself go around me.
I'm debating if I should bring it up to her today - She might get offended or defensive, but I'm not sure if I should just let it go. The last 10 days or so have shown a major change in W's behavior and attitudes, so I'm naturally concerned for her. I doubt she'd be terribly responsive....
Not really sure how to handle this. I think backing off and ignoring her isn't the right thing to do - She's obviously in a lot of pain right now.
