H and I own business together, still talking

[grid, lost]

[quote=micoms]Grid,

Part of my W's problem is she has no hobbies or interests. In MC she told C that. All she does is go to work and sleep, I'm not kidding. One night she went to bed at 7PM and slept until 10:30AM the next day, 15 hours of sleeping, no she wasn't sick. This is one of the reasons MC says W is in a crisis, she thinks W may have a repressed trauma in her childhood or teenage years thats going to come out. she asked me to try to remember

.
HI Mike,
You and I must have married people from same gene pool. My H has very few hobbies or interests. Still not as isolated as your W has made herself. Then they always set high goals like marathon or something!!!

One thing she said would be fun was running a marathon!

LOL well you two could do a relay marathon! I always wanted to be able to run a distance like that but do not have body for it. I am built more like a body builder and use to be unbelievably strong! Honest even got into weight building but then you realize you are a slave to weights! But fun too.

She always looked at her paychecks as paying her car payment and 1/2 the house payment. I just deposited my checks, never thought it went to specific bills, just the account.

See this is a bit of what I was trying to express in last post. I know exactly what she is saying. H always made lots more $$$ than me. So my small amount went for a couple expensives and i am out of money but H still has some left over. Guess money really is a power thing after all. We had to change that game of bill paying. does you W save a little bit every pay check? christmas club, etc? This helps in one not feeling so powerless over money issue

I'm about to go stir crazy, don't know how people can just stay home. I'm more than ready to go back to work. If you go to movie with H just be sure to wear safety glasses, don't want to get hit in the eye by flying popcorn,LOL.

See what I mean about wishing to work even if you don't have to. Defines alot about who you are in society, etc. Your own self worth. some people are just wired this way and do need to work. Ok I will be sure and wear safety glasses and we should have a pair or two laying around here for our business. lol
Wouln't that be a great joke to play on H. Get him to go to movies and then put the glasses on!!!!! ROFL then when H asks why your wearing them!!!!!!!!!
I

thought I read in your post somewhere you're a CPA, any way to get a PT job doing that for extra cash?

Yes, you did. I became so burnt out from the numbers work I'll never go back. That is why i was working for non profit, consulting not numbers. right now the SPCA is sorta considering hiring a part time community out reach person and I am one of the persons being considered "if the board approves position and $$$ to fund can be found"! stay with Passion Passion Passion.
Say, do you think I should send web page for this: retrouvallie, and then challenge H to have the courage to spend one weekend with me. One weekend for a new culture experience, no committment after that????? Bet he wouldn't have guts to do it???? What do you think??
lol
later, have to drive to a local town and pick up a dog pen I bought before Christmas. Bet they think I am never coming back for it.
grid, lost

[micoms]

Grid,

Just got home from rehab. I guess my W having no hobbies or interests helped set off her MLC. For so many years her life was defined as being mommy, looking and caring for the kids that she lost her own identity and took on mommy. Now that the kids are adult ages, the youngest is 19, She is no longer needed as mommy and I guess she's confused as to who she is.

I've known people who have run a marathon, n one said it was fun, an accomplishment yes but not real fun. I have a cousin who used to go out west and run in 100 mile races, talk about punishment on the body.

For years my paycheck was mailed home, W would cash it and give me my allowance for the week. I probably went 12 years and never cashed one of my checks. I've always take out what I need for the week and deposited the rest. Oh we also had money taken out and put in a credit union. We always used the credit union money for Christmas, vacas, house repairs etc. Didn't need to take out loans for new furniture, appliances, carpet...

Retrouvaille is more than one weekend, there are follow up sessions after the weekend. Don't know how long those meetings are but it's every other weekend for six more sessions. It is conducted by a priest or minister and three couples who have been where we are and got their marriage back on track.

Just now found out a friend of ours husband died last night of a massive heart attack. Chuck was only about late forties. Guess I'm pretty lucky, I didn't have a heart attack when they found my problem, I had angina pain. My W was a girl scout leader with his W. They were troop leaders for our youngest D for about 9 years together. Never thought about that was one interest, wonder if W would be interested in doing that again. I used to be a boy scout leader also, was scout master about 3 years and had a position in the counsel for 4. I've been asked if I might be interested in getting back in.

Need to find out where and when funeral will be. So sad, don't know if he had any warning signs. His youngest is still in high school.

Going to talk to W about the Dr Phil thing this week end. Talked to S25 about what he thought about it. He said mom needs some help, she doesn't think anything is wrong with her, maybe this would make her realize. Also talked to D19, she said mom has changed the last few years, she's different, seems depressed all the time. Of course W doesn't think she's depressed at all. W would go out with D19 on weeknights to a bar D and her friends go to. D said mom was kind of embarrassing, she said W tried to act like she was twenty again.

Mike

[grid, lost]

Mike
How was rehab??? When are you returning to work?? Soon isn't it???
I am sorry to hear of the death of your close friend. Loosing friends suddenly is just aweful. Terrible.
Makes you all so thankful for your own family and everyone's well being. Yes, you are very lucky to have your heart problems found early enough to be able to help. How did your heart problems manafest (sp) themself??? Chest pain, blood tests???
Are you aware (I wasn't) for woman most heart attacks are silent.??? A family friend woke up one moring with badly swollen legs, no prior problems, walked 1 1/2 each day. She went to see her Dr. that moring, couldn't find anything wrong, just to be safe did an EKG. Her Dr. never said a word, turned and dialed 911. By end of day, she was told needed
to be put on heart transplant list. Having silent heart attacks and only 10% heart muscle left !! Can you believe it??? I never heard of such a thing.

Certainly sounds as if your W has lost all self and Mike, did not in anyway mean to imply the paycheck to be negative on you. Just speaking from my own experiences. sounds as if your family has always been quite lucky as you've had stable employment ! Wow, almost unheard of today.
Scout leader is a good idea. W would be back around community and youth. Youth always picks up ones spirits, don't you think?
I mentioned the retrouvaille, more in joking than serious way. H would never do that. Besides, he went to Catholic school as kid and well lets just say, you come out committed to catholic church, etc. or you will never commit. lol H does not go to Catholic church! He can be really alot of laughs at party with couple drinks and then have him start telling about days in Catholic school. lol Stories about the Nuns are just too much.........!

It's funny the D19 and bar scene. A good friend and I just last fall were talking about how many parents of her college age son, were out on the Youth Bar thing. Parents split, all around your age, mom or dad out at bar with 20 yr olds . some dating younger than their own kid!!!!!! Guess it is safe to say those people are in MLC !!!lol Has to be a bit hard for your daughter. Her mom hitting on guys D is suppose to be eyeing up????!!
Then there are us LBS who are so borring???!!! lol
BTW, see my post about your pizza sauce?
grid, lost

[grid, lost]

<Going to talk to W about the Dr Phil thing this week end.>

mike
can I be fly on wall next to your table and listen in????
grid, lost

[micoms]

Grid,

Just got in , went out with S25 tonight. Rehab was OK, did about 10mls on bicycle and another 2 on treadmill. I'm the youngest one there by about 10 or 15yrs, lol. I get there early to get extra time in. Get to go back to work 1/15. They are sending me downtown, I've been an out route guy all my career, I took care of the west side of town. Now I'll be stuck in three buildings.

My heart problems started one morning I woke up at 4AM, heart pounding and chest hurt a little, took a few breaths and it went away. I thought I woke up from a bad dream. I refereed a soccer game that night without a problem. Woke up 4:30 next morning with the same thing only it didn't go away and I noticed my left arm felt weak. Had S25 take me to hospital. EKG showed normal, blood taken and cardiac enzymes showed no heart attack. Scheduled me for stress test, last 30 seconds of stress test I had some chest pain. That was a Friday, they held me in the hospital and did surgery Monday. Doctor said chest pain was from angina. After surgery doc told me no damage was done to the heart, no heart attack. They went in to do 2 bypasses, ended up doing 4. Worst blockage was 70 to 75%, another 60% two others were 50%. said if I put it off I would have probably ended up with a heart attack and damage to the heart. I had a physical a month before I had the problem everything was fine. Blood sugar 93, cholesterol was 3.5, blood pressure ok, no signs of any problem. Doc said 60% of all heart attacks happen between 4 and 6AM.

Mike

[grid, lost]

mike
WOW you were lucky on the heart problem!!!! Good thing you didn't do as so many of us would have, just shook off the waking up in AM.
Wonder why most heart attacks happen in AM between 6 and 4???
Sorta like most people die between 1 AM and 5AM??
Has to have something to do with our body's rythm.

I still have to go and pick up my dog crate/pen. Purchase it before Christmas and found it just by accident. One of those times when stop at a store you have always wanted to stop at . lol Even had dog with me to test size. There is the exact size I had been trying to find for 2 yrs !!! Off size.
Had dogs with me so I couldn't put it in car.
Better go pick it up before they resell and I'm another two yrs getting one.
later

[micoms]

Grid,

I would have thought at that time in the morning your heart would be at its slowest working pace and would require less blood. Like I said I refereed a soccer game the night before, did a center for a girls u13 team. Ran a lot during the course of the game without a problem. You'd think that my problem would have shown up at that time.

Must be a huge crate for the size of your dogs.

Went out with S25 and some of his friends last night. Had a good time, they thought I was ok for an old guy. They want me to go out again tonight with them. One girl who was there was complaining about the cost of her student loans, $1400 a month!! She about got sick when I told her how much I paid when I went to U of Cincinnati, back then it was $249 per quarter, $748 per year for a full load with no restrictions on the number of hours you could take.

W said she was going to babysit GS tonight maybe I'll stop over and see her and talk about the DR. Phil thing. Friends funeral is Sunday, might take her out for dinner afterwards. W asked me Friday night why I wanted to go out to dinner with her, I told her because I like spending time with you, it was good to see you Christmas and NYE. That even though you want a D, i still love you and enjoy your company. I think I should have left out the I still love you.

Got a call from another former girl scout leaders H about Chuck's death. Talked with him for about 45 min. Told him about a few things. Told him major problem was her job hours the last 4+ years, we'd go 4 or5 days and only see each other at bed time.

Got to get tires for D19's car.

Mike

[grid, lost]

Must be a huge crate for the size of your dogs.

LOL, no, all biggie dog crates stay here in house most of time, use them for feeding and after bath, etc. Actually to be honest after having these big guys eveything and I do mean everything looks small. Crates, dogs, grooming tables, you name it. LOL one time I said to H now we have BMDs every other dog looks small to me. He replied, they look small to you because they are comparred to our dogs .
This crate is a siize down and use this size for dog shows. Small enough to lug around and large enough dog can lay down in ok. Since dog isn't spending a lot of time in crate, at show, he is not in need of a 5 star crate to stay in. the crates take up so much room in vehicle for show travel want them as small as possible.! Of course smaller the crate less they weigh.

Went out with S25 and some of his friends last night.

Had a good time, they thought I was ok for an old guy. They want me to go out again tonight with them.

running with the young crowd these days are we. lol????? I bet everyone has fun when you are in crowd. Have a feeling you can tell a lot of good stories and jokes.

She about got sick when I told her how much I paid when I went to U of Cincinnati, back then it was $249 per quarter

, Price of school these days is insane!!! Feel sorry for kids these days. How are they suppose to get ahead with cost of everything. Salaries just do not keep up for them.
I have wanted to take a additional college course here and there, Yikes, cost! Forget! We do have a tech. school runs a lot of short courses in evening for adults only. Everything from dog training, to sign language. I keep trying to get them to do carpentary (sp) for woman. No success. Maybe I should just call the union (captry. union) and ask them to hold a class, now that is an idea. Maybe I'll just do that.

W said she was going to babysit GS tonight maybe I'll stop over and see her and talk about the DR. Phil thing. Friends funeral is Sunday, might take her out for dinner afterwards. W asked me Friday night why I wanted to go out to dinner with her, I told her because I like spending time with you, it was good to see you Christmas and NYE. That even though you want a D, i still love you and enjoy your company. I think I should have left out the I still love you.

Awe, hurts to hear you say you should have left out the I love you part. Really sad, shows what a hurtful situation we are in. And yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. funny you would post this as just returned from couple miles of walklng with my dog Mark. I was thinking just about the same thing about H, emotion wise.
Now remember if you talk with W about Dr. P, must run home and post, everyone is sitting on edge of their chair to hear about W's thoughts. Since I am jealous of your success, lol, had to send email with what took place for H and I. Our only edge would be if they wanted to do show on OW, over load of major life (negative) events, financial distress, and disability.
I even presented email as if the "three of us" would come on show.!! How you like thatone, OW, H and self. Somehow I do not see H and OW willing to come on Dr P show !!

Now back to your W, careful if have dinner with her after funeral as her emotions are going to be low and hurting. Then again maybe she will be emotionally at a point of willing to take in exactly what you are saying and what she is about to do. I sure do wish the very best for you Mike. Do feel your W is getting close to either agreeing to put D on hold or try MC. When do you go to court? Have you found a MC yet? Just keeping on you about this as you will have such a short time window and last thing W needs is empty time to consider backing away! Then again maybe my thoughts and plan would totally back fire on you. That is what is so hard, don't know what to do.
BTW, I am seriously considering the Marriage Coach with DBing. H will be here Jan. 17th and we will be spending all day 18th together. Might be wise to talk with a coach before then and have a plan in place. What do you think?
I am going to give H a birthday gift.
My next book to read is titled: "Anger, a miss understood emotion". Now realize we both tossed a lot of anger around.
I don't know about yourself but I just keep kicking myself for never seeing the light and reading a few books before all this happen. Try to believe it was the illness and failure to be able to mind read H. Illness causes you to become so self centered. Don't mean to but just feel so rotten no one else seems to be able to reach you.

Talked with him for about 45 min. Told him about a few things. Told him major problem was her job hours the last 4+ years,

I just can't figure out your W with this job???!! Why is the question for which there seems to be not a clues to an answer. Do you have any idea why your W would keep such a job with such terrible hours?
How can one even have an A if when your up everyone else is asleep. Does the job pay extra for such terrible hours?
How in the world did W ever come by this job anyway?
Who do you have to thank for leading her to her employer? LOL
I have to run. Need to head over to stable see my minie.
later,
grid, lost

[micoms]

Grid,

Not going to run with the young crowd just all my friends are married. S25 says his friends think I'm OK, they've asked in the past when he goes out if dad is coming tonight also. Went to S26's house Sat night, watched my second favorite football team play, who ever is playing Pittsburg this week. Had a good time, his IL and SIL were there and some other friends. One of his W's friends went to school with D24 and played on the soccer team when I was an asst coach.

Went to friends funeral with W and d19 tonight, line was 2 hours long and just as long when we left. He was only 48yo, his W and mine were girl scout leaders together. No warnings at all, just a massive heart attack he had been to see the doctor in Oct.

Don't think W is rethinking D at all, makes me wonder if she is seeing someone although D24 says she never goes anywhere. First court date is Wed for property settlement. Then on the 23rd for spousal support. If she goes through with the D she won't be able to stay on my ins plan. I have great ins, $300 deductible per year. My bills for bypass surgery were over $100,000, I paid out $300. Don't know what she can get from work but nothing like mine I'm sure. Company pays $7 per hour we work for our health care.

Now that I've read a lot of R books, I can see where I could have done things differently and should have initiated communication about problems. If I'd read these books when she first left or when I first noticed a problem maybe we wouldn't be in this mess. All I can get from her is we grew apart.

I have no idea why she keeps this job and hours, she doesn't really have to work, I make enough to cover our expenses. It seems a $10/hr job with better hours wouldn't be too hard to find. She has had better paying jobs but "loves her job". I think she likes the people although I recently heard her complaining about co-workers being two faced. Years ago when we were young she worked part time in a deli at a Thriftway grocery store. At the time we just had the two sons. I was studying for the Mechanics exam, I'd put them to bed at 8PM and study until W came home at 11PM. Then she got every other week end off and if you worked Fri got Sat off or if worked Sat has Fri off. She is working for Wal mart, they don't care about their employees. They have scheduled her in the past to start at 4AM work until 2PM, come back in at 8PM until 11PM and back in at 4AM. Thats a caring employer isn't it? I think the OM was a co-worker, they scheduled their days off together.

Mike

[grid, lost]

Now that I've read a lot of R books, I can see where I could have done things differently and should have initiated communication about problems. If I'd read these books when she first left

WEll you could always take your W to see Boulder, Colrd. and spend day with Michele, she does private one on one couples.
We all wish we had read these books earlier. Trouble is part of the split up is MLC,since we have not knowledge of this how could we have prepared. As I told one C, we encourage people learn learn right up to PhD level and yet almost zero relationship education. Well du, is it any wonder relationships fail???. just my thought , plus MLC is not about working things out it is about running!!!!

Don't think W is rethinking D at all, makes me wonder if she is seeing someone although D24 says she never goes anywhere. First court date is Wed for property settlement. Then on the 23rd for spousal support. If she goes through with the D she won't be able to stay on my ins plan. I have great ins, $300 deductible per year. My bills for bypass surgery were over $100,000, I paid out $300. Don't know what she can get from work but nothing like mine I'm sure. Company pays $7 per hour we work for our health care.

[/quote]
yea, both of you are going to loose out economically, alot. Your W is not even thinking in real terms. Just like my H. Look at our business and income issue??? H will do nothing!

or when I first noticed a problem maybe we wouldn't be in this mess. All I can get from her is we grew apart.

She is working for Wal mart, they don't care about their employees. They have scheduled her in the past to start at 4AM work until 2PM, come back in at 8PM until 11PM and back in at 4AM. Thats a caring employer isn't it? I think the OM was a co-worker, they scheduled their days off together.

Mike we can't change the past, we can only deal with everything one day at atime. Your W is not thinking at all. Why are you doing property and income settlement's when you are contesting D? thought court dealt with that first??? Are you contesting D?

Take some time and go for a brisk walk. Refresh your mind. After Sunday and funeral you need to walk abit and get your mind off all of this. Remember drag your feet on D. Does your W say anything about D to her kids and if so what sort of feedback is she giving them? Your kids must be really upset.