New guy, hurting and needing direction

[fooled again]

Dazed,

Yes, you are getting really, really good advice here. I wish I had come here in the beginning when I first found out about my H's A. But I have learned so much here, have found so much comfort and strength here.

A couple of suggestions/concurrences w/ others' suggestions:

Hold off on the ultimatum for now, though at some point in the future, when you have tried nearly everything else, you may choose to go that route. Read, reread and re-reread DR on Infidelity and The Last Resort Technique. I still reread those sections about every week or so.

I would not tell everyone about your sitch, nor would I contact OM's wife. Do confide in a very good friend, but be sure it is someone you know will support you in whatever you choose. I have lost a few very good friends over this b/c they couldn't deal with (1) what my H did to me (I told them too much), and (2) the fact that I have chosen to try to save my M. Most friends and family will tell you to give up on your M, and get a D. You really need to make sure you are doing what you think is the right thing to do for you, not what others tell you is the right thing to do.

Your kids are #1 - do whatever you can to make them feel loved and safe and secure. And yes, you should move back home - your kids need you there with them through this, and you need to exercise your rights, which you should see a lawyer about.

Don't expect too much from yourself - this is like PTSS (post traumatic shock syndrome). Take care of yourself, and EXERCISE - it really does use up some of that anxiety and nervous energy that makes you feel crazy, at least for a little while. And definitely find some things to DO that make you feel good - this really does make all the difference. I just couldn't shut my mind off, my heart would start beating fast, I would walk around the house crying, pulling my hair - all completely useless and I nearly went crazy. That energy had to get out of me.

Finally, and this is the hardest thing to do, start to imagine your life w/o your W. I know you don't want to, you just want to fix it, but the minute I was able to create a mental picture of myself living w/o my H, I felt calmer and better able to deal with the situation. I realized that my life would not be over if my H chose OW over me, that I would survive, though it wouldn't be my first choice. I truly believe that's the secret to PMA, creating pictures in your mind of yourself succeeding and of surviving and one day being happy again.

I am so sorry for your pain, but you are among friends here. You should feel safe saying anything you want to say, asking any questions you have and venting as much as you need to. I cannot begin to express how much of a difference it's made for me.

FA