My second topic locked....I'm becoming a regular. Not good.
As an update; expecting to be served tomorrow. W has no intentions of trying at all. OM in picture, not sure how involved he is, she has told me she has a 'crush' on him, but it's definitely changed my W's view of me in a hurry. I'd like for him to disappear...poof! I would love to 'serve' his wife tomorrow after I'm served...I know that's not recommended, but I'd love to make his life miserable too.
So....had a very good coaching session this morning. Improved my PMA immensly, helped me set some good goals for the coming days, as well as give me confidence in my abilities. I am still hopeful. We have a long way to go.
One of the topics in our discussion was not letting W believe I had any hope. In the past this was potentially making her react to me in negative ways to proove there is no hope, when in fact she is confused and has shown that potential. By me showing hope to her, she never really has to think about me really moving on, me really detaching, and her truly living without me. I'm going to do my best at this. Show her no hope.
However, my question has arisen regarding wedding rings. She has removed hers. I am still wearing mine. If served, is removing my ring showing a sign that I am not giving off the impression of hope? Is it detaching, becoming more independent, a moving on signal? It sort of scares me because I do still have optimism, crazy as it seems.
My other question is in regards to IT...how do I post in my history links to my previous threads as only two words and not the entire HTML?
I'm sorry you are about to be served with papers but take heart, it's not the end.
If you re-read the email from your W in your previous thread, she is giving you the blue print to the way forward. As your DB coach has suggested, and from what I've picked up, you have yet to show your W that you accept things are over, so she reacts by fighting harder to show you that it is. Your talks get back to how you think you can make it work out in the future. Give it up, detach, step back, drop the rope, do all or any of these things any you will see W change.
The stuff about wedding rings is personal and will differ in each sitch. In my case W had the PA but still wears her wedding ring. I took my ring off sometime ago and I'll never put it back on again. However if we do manage to reconcile, I'll wear a new ring, no big fuss about it but a new one to symbolise a new R.
Take care
Me:50 W: 49 T:20yrs M: 14 yrs D:11 2005 PA 2006: EA (2003 : 2007) 2007: April ILYBNILWY Aug PA, Sept Separate 2008: Feb Piecing 2009 Limbo 2011: Separated (same house) 2013: Divorcing
I like the name of your new thread! My kids and I just got back from Mexico and my son has a new favorite soup - Tostada. I like it a lot too, but dont think I can make it as good. At least we have a lot of Mexican restaurants nearby which hopefully will have this soup.
I filed today and will give my W papers next week. I still keep my rings on as a symbol that I honor and respect my marriage until it is over legally.
It is kind of hard not to have bad feelings towards the OM, especially considering he is married too. Just keep in mind that you have more honor than him and let him alone - he is a scumbag and not worth the worry. If your W and he get further along in their A, I am positive his W will find out on her own.
As for your IT question, I think a lot of people put a link back to the thread that just locked as the first item when they start a new thread. You will probably want to add the following to your signature so as to shorten it and just show "First Thread"...
I think ill hand her back my ring when she hands me the papers. that will symbolize to me the official dropping of the rope.
I wouldn't do that - I see what you're TRYING to do, but it almost seems spiteful and vindictive. If you don't want to wear your ring, take it off, put it in a drawer, and go from there.
I still wear my ring - My W has never made a comment about it, and I even play with it all the time.
Rings???? That's up to you....you could wear it or take it off....that's your call. I took mine off...didn't matter though....just like in your case...she was looking forward and not back.....your call.
Tostada my ring is off, hers is still on. I want to work on the marriage she does not. I guess you can draw your own conclusions. My conclusion is it doesn't really make a big difference.
She has sent me a few 'attacking' type emails...basically asking me to make this all easy and leave the house, it would be best for the kids. She even took some shots at rewriting our history some more..such as me not ever taking care of the kids or that her entire marriage was hell. Those are completely not true. She also wanted to tell the kids a bunch of stuff that basically made her look good.
I have replied that I probably wouldnt agree to a parenting plan that was less than 50/50, that I wasnt planning on leaving the house, and that I was going to tell my kids the truth.
Of course she didnt like that reply. Sparked back that it will be a long battle and she may leave the house and take the furniture with her because I dont like that furniture anyways. How strange is that. Furniture? And...she's paranoid I would tell the kids something to make her look bad. I probably wont, but I definitely am not going to lie to them for her benefit. I think it's good for her to stew on this a bit.
Her second attack was it was best for the kids if I moved out, I'm immature for not protecting the kids, she would put her name on all the bills etc, and that I am going to react without thinking. ha! I dont do anything without a lot of thought about it.
everything now is for the benefit of the kids. If it really was, wouldnt she put some effort towards us? everything is really for her benefit.
I only replied to this latest attack 'Im sorry you feel this way'.
I was out all day yesterday and returned last night. I said hello when I came in and she offered me some pizza. Those have been the only words said. Nothing more last night and definitely nothing this morning. I left for work this morning.
Also..i sent her an email letting her know what I was going to do Saturday. And...I gave her a bunch of checks to deposit yesterday, yet they were deposited for $300 less than I gave her? I asked her why and that I noticed she had pulled out $400 from ATM since last Tue...here's a person that would buy a latte on a visa, bcause she didnt carry cash. Now she needs $700 in cash in a week? More secret stuff. I have not rec'd a reply from that email. I know its probably not helping my situation to bring this up with her as I know she will be pissed. But i have to stand up for something. This is ridiculous. Also...bank of america called this morning to ask her a few questions about her visa application. So...she is working on separating everything. I'm already prepared though on my side.
As bad as all this is...i still want it to work out. I was sitting in bed last night and looking up at a wedding picture of the two of us. I just kept thinking 'where did she go'? Where did this person I have been with for so long go? thus...I really think she's not that far away. Just the alien spinning around inside her...where's the antidote?
Hey Tostada, You are probably going to get a barrage of posts saying you are doing this or that wrong. As far as I'm concerned, I am rooting for you all the way. I am a few days behind you at most. All this DB stuff is fine but at some point one comes to the realization that he has to stand for something. You do not want to leave the house and that is fine. She wants out of the relationship let her leave. I would be a little more careful regarding your finances. I thought you consulted a lawyer. Did they not make any suggestions? Why should you settle for less than 50% with the kids if that is what you want. As far as the truth is concerned, I would not go out of my way to make my wife look bad to the kids but i would definately not lie to them. Why should you compromise your integrity with your kids to protect someone who is prepared to blow up the whole family unit? Keep your chin up.
