You posted while i was posting.... THANKS!! cause i missed that in the last one!
Originally Posted By: Atlas
As in call you from lunch and let you know what is going down when he walks through the door. Builds excitement and he can have his "immediate sex."
Maybe I'll ask him to try that again. He doesn't much like talking about sex. I don't really know why. He's got lots of sex issues. the lights, the morning, no real talking about it... I used to ask him to tell me what he wanted to do to me or tell me what he wanted me to do in the morning, so that way we could think about it during the day, but he just said it seemed wierd.
Quote:
But he has to get that he just can't play sodoku on the lap top all night then roll over and go alright get your clothes off.
ROTFLMAO.... not soduko, but like warcraft, xbox360 or something and yeah... that's his idea of sex talk. Or maybe, "hey, wanna do it" LOL... too funny
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Ya it's a tough talk, and it takes time for a guy at that age to get it to sink in. This is how you could approach it. Guys are like a car, you take the key insert into the ignition and vroom they are off and running.
Well women are more like a harley. You may have to get some carburator juice, kick and kick and kick some more. Little rev here and there, and evenutally the damn thing will start.
If he can't get that, then he is in trouble. Have you ever looked at the charts of how men and women excite and climax. Men are a like a huge ice cycle pointing up. While women build up slowly and then platue and can hang there for a long time.
I can't remember what book it was in, but the author talks about when a women gets ready for a date or night out, her sexual ritual starts from the shower on, this is what is happening with all the make up, clothes changing, looking, relooking, etc.
While guys we know exactly what we will wear, can be ready in 30 minutes and off we go. Your going to just have to teach him.
Maybe make some coupons for this or that, that he can redeem. Let him know they are only good if he redeems the coupon with at least two hours prior to action.
Or next time he starts up and is all over you. Stop him and say, you are going to take a bath first, then put on something that makes you feel good and then you will be ready. That can give you some time, and if he asks, you say you just want to be the best you can for him and be ready.
In "the guide to getting it on," Paul Joannides says that foreplay is everything that has happened since the last time you had sex! :-)
Atlas just totally suggested Michele's technique of "Say When" from SSM! ("I'm tired now, but if you can wait for me to take a 30 min nap, I'd be happy ...?" or "I'll be happy to do that after I take a shower?")
W and I have a pretty good comfort level with the whole 'how each of us prepares' thing. It took us a while, but now it generally works pretty well.
If I've made overtures, and she's not sure she's ready, she has a couple of ways of buying the time she needs:
Often, she'll head to bed while I'm still wrapping up evening projects, TV, games, hobbies, etc. She'll let me know that she's going to 'power-nap' and that I'm welcome to wake her up when I come to bed. It combines a confirmation that she's heard my signals (or sends one of her own if I haven't! ) with having the time to clear her head of everything else and be there as totally as possible.
The other may work for you too - we like it in the morning sometimes, and if I express interest, she'll ask for time to grab a shower. She discovered early in our relationship that she finds my touch on her skin right after a shower particularly sensual. Something about the heat, relaxation, etc. This also has the obvious added benefit of giving her the 'brain' time she needs to be ready.
I can't remember if morning was a preference or an issue for your H, but I figured I'd share if it might help!
Same But Different
T - 7 years M - 2 years (my 2nd) Bomb (ILYBNILWY) - 10/19/07 WAW - 12/29/07 W home 12/30/07
My D(18) lives with us
'The aliens abducted my wife, and all I got was this T-shirt!'
Atlas - you are too funny. you met a woman, she's just gone a little crazy. Hang in there Thanks for the suggestions on how to tell him i need time. I guess it jsut seems weird to me cause i'd really prefer to just avoid it, so i don't want to bring it up. I might try the coupon thing. I used to do that when we were in the first years of dating for like massages or a night out of his choice or something else... I can use that for sex. Maybe i'll even put in somethings that he wasn't willing to try before, then if he gets a wild hair, he can try one of those.
Transformer - i wish i could read more often like you. H gets all weirded out when i'm reading R books around him. I've tried, i'll take the cover off, but he asks and then i tell him and its a disaster. I think i'm going to get the ssm book though and read it soon. I read novels all the time (read about 150 pages last night) H was wondering what i was reading. I read him a little bit and he thinks i'm crazy. Anyways... now i'm rambling. Thanks.
SBD - Mornings are an issue. I think it has to do with the light (he hates having the lights on). Atlas is probably right about it being a maturity thing as far as understanding what the other needs. I think the thing that is going to be the hardest for him (always is lately) is that i never needed time before. We women may platue and hang there for a while, but it just has never taken me long to get to that point. I always wanted him. Now i don't at all. It really sucks for both of us.
It's like we both have the same goal of things being like they used to be and even better, but he thinks somehow it's just going to magically happen and I know it's going to take a ton of hard work.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
I can't imagine what your sitch is actually like. Obviously, mine is so different. Things don't happen magically, they do take time and lots of work. I know you've read my thread and sex wasn't an issue with us even after we split. Now, he isn't even hinting at it. I try to look at the positive: at least I won't feel used. But, I can tell you, it's a horrible feeling to feel like your S doesn't desire you sexually. The sad thing is that he was overly sexual during our marriage and it use to drive me crazy. Now I miss it. Hang in there. I know that you can't MAKE yourself feel something that you don't. You're still piecing your M back together. Just keep reassuring him that you find him desireable.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
Thanks blindsided - It all takes a lot of hard work and time. I think he thinks if he does a couple things that he used to, that it will put it all back together. Nope, sorry, we have to completely rebuild if we don't want the house to crumble down at our feet again.
I wish i found him desirable. That's my biggest problem. I would say it's not so much the being in love, but I think the 2 are directly related in my case.
My sitch is weird. I've spent a lot of time in this M feeling like H only had sex w/ me because 1)that's what M people do and 2) he eventually needed a release. I sincerely wanted to feel that sexual connection to him, but i never got that back. Now, it's just the opposite. He wants sex and I'm just doing it. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% there during, but it's not cause i desire or want him, but because i just want him to be happy and that does it.
It'll take time. Hopefully it all comes back...
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
last night he was rediculous and i'm not taking that kind of nonsense anymore.
the last couple nights I'v done a few loads of laundry, but haven't had the time to fold it, so it's just kinda laid out in a pile. I called him and asked him if he wanted to go take D3 to see Alvin last night (we've been wanting to do this) cause my sister and BIL would watch the baby. He said sure. He was happy(or seemed so) on the phone. I got home and he's angry and pissd off and telling me he can't effing find a GD thing. First of all, language like that is not going to get me to do anything for him. I got the girls situated and then asked him what he needed. I found what he needed out of the laundry and he got dressed. I picked up fast food for dinner since i wouldn't have time to cook and got that ready for the girls. I cleaned up a bit while everyone ate and then i ate a little. We left and in the car he's being obviously upset. I asked how his day was, he said "fine" it was more of a growl than actual talk, so i asked him what was wrong. H:he was frustrated because (paraphrase) he can never find anything, cause the house will never be clean enough and it doesn't matter how many times he tells me how much this bothers him that i just don't care. M:I told him that I'm sorry he feels that way and that we've both been sick lately and once we are feeling better I'll be able to keep up on the laundry better and do some more detailed stuff around the house and that i appreciate what he's been doing to help. H: yeah, sure. M: Can you help me to understand why you are do upset about this all of the sudden, i talked to you a few hours ago and you seemed fine. H: Do you know how frustrating it is for me to look for the shirt i want and not be able to find it in the closet where it goes? M: so you are mad because i didn't have the laundry folded. (bit my tongue and didn't say, well you could get off your ass and fold it )
H: well, i shouldn't have to search everywhere, i didn't know where my stuff was and it's just rediculous that it took so long for me to be able to get ready cause i had to wait for you. M: (opps, i let go of my tongue ) it took me about 1 minute to go through and find your things. I told you this morning that they were in the pile because i washed them. If you wanted them you could have gotten them yourself. H: i'm not dealing with that M: so you are mad because i didn't get your clothes ready for you. H: it's just frustrating, i didn't say i was mad. M: ok
i was quiet and he asked why and i said i would hate to say something to put any further strain on the evening.
I got an apology about 45 minutes later. He said that he's sorry for being that way. That he knows he could have just gotten it. I said thank you. Conversation needed more, but seriously, the little one was there and we were about to get into the movie.
whatever... just venting here before i go home, so i'm not holding on to that!
ok... i feel better now!
have a nice weekend everyone!
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
) with having the time to clear her head of everything else and be there as totally as possible.
)
) it took me about 1 minute to go through and find your things. I told you this morning that they were in the pile because i washed them. If you wanted them you could have gotten them yourself.