Ongoing affair, D papers filed, advice wanted

[SirPrizeMe]

runningoutoftime, I want to understand what you mean.

From what you've described it seems like you are trying to coerce or control her, and shame her into "wanting" to be married (which would actually push her away).

I don't know about "shame her". Coerce her? Control her? I don't see that. I am asking her to work on the marriage. She is spending time visiting OM. I am pointing out she could spend time working on her marriage instead. Is that shame? I asked her to give me one thing to work on myself. I get that it is pursuit. But control? Seriously, help me see this.

Also, what type of responsibility does she need to accept? I'm not quite sure what you mean by that. Does she want to stop the divorce and work on the marriage?

Responsibility for the failure of the marriage. She puts it all on me and flatly refuses to accept responsibility for her part. I am willing to accept my part. She says "it's only you!"

If you are both in divorce she can spend time with anyone she likes. I don't mean to sound rude here, but what are you doing to make any woman want to spend time with you?

Of course she can spend time with anyone she likes, whether we are married, divorced or otherwise.

What am I doing to make her value me, or want to spend time with me? I'm feeling a bit defensive about the way you asked the question, but here ya go:

• working every day so I can pay for her house, her car, her lifestyle. In the meantime I am living in a borrowed room.
• delighting our children with a bountiful christmas.
• spending quality time with the children.
• listening to her when she wants to talk.
• going to church myself after a long hiatus.
• new clothes, new haircut, new cologne.
• being calmer, happier, having fun on my own.
• keeping up with my hobbies, activities.
• ongoing therapy.

Why do I feel like you are coming down on me? What's the deal here? What is it about what I wrote that is ticking you off? Have I offended you? Do I sound arrogant or something? Do I remind you of someone you don't like? Seriously. I want to know.