W still angry with me, but the intensity lessens

[sandi2]

Home for lunch, so will try to talk a bit now. IMHO, instead of looking at the R as being in limbo, just try taking it a day at a time. I know from my own experience that I did not really want to talk about our MR b/c I did feel like I was responsible for "breaking" it (although I felt my H was to blame for some things....but that is my stitch). If she doesn't seem to want to talk about it, then I would suggest you don't push it. My take on it would be the very best friend you can be to her day by day. Really work on that, Lan. I know that men don't want to be "just friends" with their W's, but think of it as your tactic to winning back her heart. It is hard for most females to jump out of one affair or R or love (call it what you will)straight into another. A lot of men and/or women that do go straight to another, but there usually is trouble b/c they didn't give enough time to get over the last one. There has to be an emotional divorce or detachment of some kind from the last involvement b/f you jump back into another....even if it is the man you are M to. Until she has finally emotionally detached herself from the OM, I don't think she is going to be ready for much more than a friendship type of R with you. I think she is trying to be "willing" and right now, Lan, that is about as much as she can give, even though it doesn't appear so to you. My H was hurt when we tried to talk about our MR after OM and he said I didn't talk like I wanted to try hard enough, but I was just trying my best to be "willing" to be willing to just try! That is a hard and big step to take that LBS need to realize about WAS.

I hope and pray she is not still contacting the OM! Only time will tell for sure about that. I know how she felt about your snooping b/c when my H snooped on me, I felt so violated. I know that sounds stupid since I was involved in an EA, but still that is how I felt. I was so furious that I almost hated him for that. So, you must not do that anymore and take a chance of getting caught or you may lose her for good.

You see Lan, I think if my H had left things alone, that the online stuff would have played out in a short time. But when he confronted me about it and everything hit the fan, it just pushed me closer to the OM. That is when it really turned into an EA b/c it immediately shifted into high gear when I thought things were over between my H and me. I gather from what you said that is when your W decided to go on and have a PA with her OM.

Anyway, my advice to you is to keep everything between you and your W "light" and friendly and not get into anything serious. I know how hard this is for you b/c if things had been turned the other way around in my stitch, I don't know if I could have left it alone. I would probably wanted to do nothing else but talk about our MR. Thank goodness my H isn't that way. Maybe your W is looking for you to "fix" the problem, but more than likely she is just needing a lot more time. Much more than you may feel that you are able to give her sometimes, but you have to look at the final outcome.......keep focused on the goal. You will win her heart back but it will take time with no pressure on her at all. If my H had placed any pressure whatsoever on me.....I would have been out of here in a flash. He still isn't putting pressure on me, for which I am thankful. There has been one friend here on the board that has tried to put some pressure on me to take certain steps of action and that is when I can tell that I'm not ready.......not really ready in my heart. So, it is unbelievable how much time it takes to get over some things. If I had had a PA.....there is no telling how long it would have taken me to get my heart back where it belonged.

My H hasn't tried as hard as you are trying (in some areas), but he has been understanding and patient. I don't know that he completely trusts me yet, but I think he is trying for his own peace of mind. I always keep the door wide open when I'm on the computer so he won't think I am up to no good. I don't want to hurt him again or give him cause to worry. He has not tried to push me into any touchy-touchy stuff except when I give him a good-bye peck or a hug sometimes. Nothing heavy. Just keeping it light. He acts like a good friend and that is what I need him to do now. Hopefully in time we will have a good marriage again. You have to realize that we were not sleeping together for years before I got involved with OM over the internet, so it's not just that that we have to deal with, but OM sure did a lot of hurt to the R. I never gave my H any reason whatsoever to mistrust me before OM. That was the one thing he and I had that was never doubted......trust in each other.

Anyway, just keep trying to keep things "fun" and friendly and try to stop noticing every little move she makes and placing so much emphasis on it. You are going to go nuts doing that. I have noticed that seems to be what the LBS do and they set themselves up for disappointment a lot of times b/c they do this. So, try to relax some and just allow things to fall into place without you pushing them or trying to "fix" everything. Only "time" can fix some things. Time and a lot of love and patience.

Take care.