I started my thread a year ago in Newcomers but now I think it is time to move over to Separated. This has been a long ordeal as I'm sure many us have found out.
H and I have been separated exactly 1 year today and now even though he seems to be coming around, I am having doubts about whether I even want to continue fighting for this relationship.
From my last post....if H knocked on my door TODAY, I don't know if I would want him to come back. I'm a little confused right now and don't know why. I miss H terribly...but I'm oddly happy with my life right now. I think what I miss is the intimacy...just having someone to come home to, or someone to call when I'm having a rough day....someone to cook dinner for or watch TV with. I don't want the hassle of trying to work on a relationship or deal with his issues. Am I detaching too much?? Is that even possible?? Like I said, I'm kinda 'indifferent' right now and that's scary. I could take him or leave him...it doesn't really matter.
At this point, I believe if I met someone else I wouldn't even try to reconcile with H. This bothers me. It feels like I am deserting my marriage...the same thing he did.
This is what is bothering me and I don't know what to do about it. Are these feelings normal when you have detached...I mean REALLY detached....from your spouse?? Did I go too far???
Need some help here before I do something stupid....
I don't think you went too far. I think you are becoming what YOU want to be and thats part of our journey here. Like you, I feel the same way about my W. I don't know if I want to get back with her anymore. Especially after what she did to the kids this holiday but I guess thats why we are on this journey to make ourselves who want to be and know that no matter what happens, we will be alright. We just have to keep moving forward and understand and appreciate both the good and bad.
I feel you NT...its like I'm walking on a tightrope. If I lean too far one way, H gets angry and withdrawn. If I lean the other way, I'm feeling used and cheated and angry. I don't know how long I can walk this line....
What your W did to your kids was unthinkable. H and I do not have children together but we each have kids outside of the M. I could not imagine not doing anything with/for my son. It goes against everything in me. But they seem to be OK with it...krazy.
I was given a bit of advice I think I need to consider...'If you don't know what to do, then don't do nothing'. I'm going to lay low for a few and see what happens. Easy for me since H and I don't have any reason to talk or see each other (like I said, no kids together) so it shouldn't be too difficult. I've been living my life without him this long...what's the difference now right???
My frame of mind scares me a bit as I'm fluctuating between 'I miss him' and 'F him' but I do know that I am a LOT better off than I was a year ago! I just wish there was something I could do to jumpstart something now...I'm so tired of waiting.
I know....patience....patience...patience....yeah.
Hi Love_Jones. I just ran across your posts and I am glad to have read them. Kind of gave me some insight into my own situation. I commend you for sticking it out for a year. I totally understand how you may feel like you don't want to work it out. I have been seperated from my husband for a little over 2 months now and it hurts like hell. I get the same push pull reaction. He opens the door I try to come in and he slams it in my face. I too know my h well and know that crying, begging, nagging will just push him away even more. I have been down this road before with him when we were dating so I kind of know that going dark is the way. The thing is we do have a kid and he comes by daily to see our son. That makes it hard because he looks so damn good and hell it has been 2mths, but also because I do miss him. I don't miss the fights, I don't miss the moodiness, I don't even miss the daily cooking. I do miss having someone to share a joke with. I miss going to the movies with him. I miss hearing about his day. For me it is especially hard because my h has been a fixture in my life since I was 11. We were best friends for many years before we started dating. I have not only lost an h, but also a friend. It sucks. I asked him to leave because I got tired of hearing about him not being happy and thinking this marriage was not going to work. I kind of suspected he was cheating and I knew the day would come when he would start consistently coming home late or not at all. I knew I would loose my mind when that happened so I asked him to go. He fought me on it at first, but then he agreed. He has been gone since 10/31/07. I would love for him to come back but we have so many issues to work on. I am in school and so much of the financial burden falls on him. Coming home now would be a mistake, but I would love to at least start dating and laying the ground work for starting over when I am done with school in May. Don't know if this will happen. I am getting that he does not ever plan on coming back. What I don't understand is how can a man who is good enough to pay all the bills while he is away, travel at least 1hr a day to see his son every day be such a mean bastard to me. I have not been the perfect wife, but I don't deserve what I am getting. How come I gave him the space to be free, yet he is angry with me? Shouldn't I be the one angry? I have to face my life as a single mom, something I never wanted. How come after how bad I I have been treated I am the one pouring my heart out on on this board at midnight and he is sleeping pretty? How come after all this madness I still want my marriage to work?
Okay so there is my rant and some of my story. Anyway, I reached out to you because I thought you might be African-American. Is that so? I kind of wanted to get the perspective of another African-American woman. Marriage in our comminity (if you are AA) is almost non existent and I think it is one of the reasons that we struggle financially and otherwise. I think it is so important for my son not to be from a broken home. I don't want him to be another stat. My H is a good provider and good dad, but I want him to also understand how being a good dad ties into being a good husband and being with his family.
I am glad to meet you but sorry that it had to be under these circumstances.
Take a breath honey....
OK, first...yes I am African-American and I am from the Chi...WESTSIIIIDE!!!!
Seriously though...I completely agree with your point of view about marriage in our community. I see this as a problem as well even though I came from a family who values marriage (my parents were married for 42 years before my Dad passed away).
Second...I feel for you. I really do. When I first came to this board my H had just walked out on me about a week prior. I read so many of these stories and felt the heartbreak on this board and thought, 'OMG!! These people have been separated for months! It's only been a week or so for me and I CAN'T STAND IT!!!' I never thought this would happen to me so I couldn't believe that I would be able to handle H being gone for months at a time. Here I am a year later and now thinking, I don't even know if I want this fool no more!
Now....if you're on this board have you started your own personal thread? You will get invaluable advice here, comfort, and a few knocks up-side the head (if necessary) It will also be good for you because you can come here to vent instead of going off on your H. Let it out here...
First things first, you need to make a conscious decision as to whether you want to try to save your marriage. This is the first thing you have to do. If you decide to save it then prepare yourself cuz it's not going to be easy and it is going to take a lot of patience on your part...A LOT. You will have to endure things that you otherwise would not and you will have to do a lot of soul-searching to find the things in yourself that might need to be addressed.
If you have not bought any of Michele's books, I would advise, do so immediately. Read them...then read them again. Follow what she says. Call and set up a counseling session for yourself if you need to. They are very helpful and can get you started in getting your life and your emotions in check.
Hope, you must realize that the man you married is gone. Not just physically but mentally, emotionally, etc. The man you married may come back...he may not. But don't despair...that doesn't mean that he can't be a better man if/when he does comes back. It does mean that YOU can be better if he DOES NOT come back.
Lastly, take care of you and your child. This is your focus now. You cannot fix your H, you cannot change his mind, you cannot help him. He has to do this all on his own. In the meantime, do for you and yours. Do things that make you happy even if you don't feel like it. Eat well, stay hydrated, exercise, whatever you need to do to relieve the stress. Visit family, get back in touch with friends, find things at school that interest you. You will hear that a lot on this board but it is real and very important as you move along on this journey.
Hang in there honey...we are here for you if you need us. If you want to talk privately, click on my name and you can send me a personal message with your info.
Ok...so since Xmas I've been trying to see just where H is as far as our R is concerned. So on the suggestion of a friend I called H yesterday and asked him if he would like to come by for dinner this weekend....got his VM....left a message. He didn't call back that day. But he called me the next day and kinda put a smile on my face.
Apparently H was involved in a car accident...he was not hurt but the car was damaged pretty badly. Now...usually I'm not happy about car accidents....really I'm not. I'm not happy bout this one either. That's not what put the smile on my face...what did, was the fact that this time...IT'S NOT MY CAR!!!!!!!
Over the 12 years of our R I have purchased 6 cars that mostly he drove. In the past H wrecked damn near EVERY car I bought. He wrecked his latest car a month before he left last year. I got rid of it after he pissed me off even though he insisted that I give it to him after he left....he dumb.
Anyway...just the fact that now 'Shorty Mac' will have to deal with yet another one of H screwups is what brought on the smile. I still chuckle when I think about it...HA! It's not me this time!!!!
Oh yeah...I forgot all about the dinner. I had my good feeling for the day
Thanks for the message. It helped. I know what I need to do, but putting it in action is so damn hard. I have loved this man since I was 11 years old. He has been part of my life for 22 years. I mean I know that is not a long time, but I am only 33 so more than 1/2 my life I have known him. What makes it harder is that I have to see him on a daily basis. No other man since I was 22 has made me feel like him. I never once wanted to cheat, I never once wanted to be with someone else. It really is like aliens abducted my old H and I have no clue who this fool is that they left behind. The personality change is dramatic and almost overnight. I really do think it is a mid life crisis. I went back to school to get my nursing degree and GOD willing I will be done in May. This a a second career for me and I think me getting so close to being done caused him to evaluate his life and just started making him realize how he is no where near where he wants to be. He wants to blame me, but the truth is I never, ever stopped him. There were other issues and I was in no way perfect as a wife. I just wish this was all a bad dream. I swear if I could wake up and just do this over there is so much I would do different.
Talked to H today. He was supposed to bring his money to pay the cell phone bll...of course as usual he doesn't have it. Why do I put up with this sheeit??? I should cut him loose...don't know why I haven't yet.
Lately everytime we talk he sounds so sad. I asked him why he sounded so sad and he gave me some lame excuse. OK fine...whateva. I was pissed that he shut me down so quickly like that. Went and had myself a good cry this morning. But now...few hours later I'm thinking, 'Hold up!!! Why the HELL am I crying??? I should be GLAD that he sounds sad everytime I speak to him. Maybe paradise ain't all that wonderful like he thought it was....hmmmmm???'
Yup...now I'm happy. I'm going shoe shoppin'...yay for me!
