emotionally detaching myself and i don't want to

[thotitwudbdifrnt]

i am at my wit's end. i am sorry that this post is so long but i really help and support. i have posted this on other forums but need a response.

i am new to this site, first of all. i divorced over sexual issues 9 years ago (the ex chose porn over me and wanted to have a 3some and had an affair bc i wouldn't). i waited so long to find someone who didn't have these traits. i thought i found him bc he told me he wasn't that way at all. but on our wedding night, he 'accidentally' ordered a porn movie in our hotel room. i thought, oh God, don't let this happen again. then i found out that he was keeping in regular communication with an ex-lover. i was so mad. he wanted to let her stay at our house because she needed help. i said it was not apporpiate to do that. he said he was joking to make me shut up. but later, when he was tipsy, told me that she had asked if he would like to sleep with her again. i felt so betrayed and angry. but he told me he really didn't sleep with her to begin with. really.

our sl was never what i thought it would be, or what i wanted from the beginning. he said that he had had so much sex in his life that it didn't matter anymore. i was crushed. so i told him that crushed me. he made no response.

i tried all the tricks you hear about. i dressed up in something sexy. and you won't believe what he did! he called his ex-gf who was a stripper bc it reminded him of her AND i was standing right there with the outfit still on! once again, crushed. i just cried and went to work. he apologized for it but it still wounded me. he didn't even want me like that.

then, recently, he stated that we should go to a swinger convention. i lost it. i cried like i had lost my child. i said that it was so disrespectful of me as his wife especially since he knew that i had divorced one man over the same thing. i asked him if i had made a mistake, a horrible mistake. was he going to be just like my ex? he said he was only joking so that i would shut up. but, once again, crushed. but this time the injury was worse. he apologized. then he just left it to me to get over it.

he is someone who doesn't want our relationship to be like the others that failed. but sex doesn't matter to him at all. and he won't even ml on special occasions, like birthdays, anniversaries, and new years (most recently). i realize that i am hd compared to him. but he won't compromise at all. he just says no. just like that. no. then he says that if i ask again i will make him mad. if i leave him alone about it, he doesn't want to for a month at a time. during which time i feel so bad.

i am trying not to pull away emotionally from him but it is hard. my heart is hurting and doesn't want to hurt anymore. he says he is attracted to me. and i am very attractive. he fell in love with me bc i am so passionate about everything. and passionate about love. how can my passion and happiness continue with him treating me like i don't matter (in this area)?

i asked last night for him to just hold me and he put a pillow between us and but his hand on my shoulder. then i asked if he would hold me without anything between us (i didn't want sex) and he said he was comfortable like he was (his main goal always is his own comfort). i finally asked enough that he got a little mad but moved the pillow... but left the dog between us. i had to move the dog. then he just laid on his back and put his arm under me. he stil didn't hold me. all i wanted was to be held!!!! i can't tell you how crushed i am and i can't talk to anyone.

when we dated, he would kiss me for an hour. i have asked for him to kiss me for one minute (literally) and he said no, that it was gross. i feel that he finds ME gross. my body. everything. why didn't he tell me all of this before we got married? i would have thought harder about the decision!

i feel doomed. i love him so much and he loves me. other than this, our life is so great. he tells me i am beautiful, he tells me he loves me, every day. several times a day. but i feel disconnected and unimportant bc he doesn't care about something that is important to me. am i doomed to live a life where i feel that i can't even flirt with my own husband bc he says it is gross????

i would LOVE any advice you may have. please help me here. i need it so much!